Running out time.

“People will usually begin to make the right choices when the wrong options cease to exist.”
-see

Today’s -see

RUNNING OUT TIME.

I look at life through my eyes, through my experiences, through my perspective, and through my struggles. Inadvertently I end up holding people responsible to the standard and expectations of my joy, my pleasure, my happiness, my peace, and my hopes because I have always and continue to see what is possible. I’ve seen miracles happen. I’ve seen change come about. I’ve seen “dead” things come alive. I have been exposed to so many different variants of life and living and I have been subjected to acknowledging the particulars and specifics of those who “live” these spaces with an access that is quite interesting, to say the least. It is an arduous task to justify why it all makes “sense” to me but I guess, no I’m sure, that’s my purpose of sort, to make it clear for someone who may not.

“Excuses are poor means of self-pity.”
– My junior high science teacher, Mr. Vereen

Mr. Vereen used to ALWAYS say this to us in response to almost ANY explanation as to why something was not done upon his request or to his specifications. Any thing that was contrary to his will and way was an excuse, or so he seemed to imply, and that gave his students and students that were not his and even some teachers the impression that Mr. Vereen was mean. Something about him was rather cool to me, but he was a jerk! He was certain or so it seemed that he was right or he “knew” he was right and that made everyone consider his “rightness”.

I don’t remember how well or how not well I did in his class. I don’t remember much of or about his teaching methods or anything else that he said other than that quote -that because I have not googled it yet I attribute to him- and the frequency to which he used it. Very important words though.

—–

Self-pity- (From Wikipedia)

Self-pity is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it. It is characterized by a person’s belief that he or she is the victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence. Self-pity is generally regarded as a negative emotion in that it does not generally help deal with adverse situations. However, in a social context, it may result in either the offering of sympathy or advice. Self-pity may be considered normal, and in certain circumstances healthy, so long as it is transitory and leads to either acceptance or a determination to change the situation.

—–

As I go about these days, these “new” days, these days that are all about this “new” me, this different me, this “knowing” me that I am coming to recognize and know for myself, I am increasingly, rapidly becoming aware of just how “messed up” some of my actions and words were. I am beginning to learn just how severe some of the extremes of my personality had damaged my opportunities and relationships. I am being forced through the transition of my growth process to recollect on my methods and motives that I used to accommodate the comfort levels that were necessary for me to maintain my leverage and position in the mediocrity that gated me inside of the walls of my suffering. I’m busting out of it now.

And in freedom is where I truly recognize my “prison”.

I was talking to a friend recently who was giving me a detailed account of a situation that “seems” to be destroying her family right now. For arguments sake I do understand that there is ALWAYS more than one version and perception of a story and with that in mind I do not jump to conclusion in assuming which side may be right or wrong. The story that she was telling me though is eerily similar to a predicament that one of my family members is currently in and at the same time I have another friend who is in the same “place” with his life. Hearing these stories is not new to me because I am accustomed to being told others “life story” and issues because I am the latter part of the self-pity definition, I give great sympathy and advice for others, to others, just not so much, before this point, to myself. I also believe that one of the reasons that I hear these stories is my belief in the “spirit” of things. Most of the things that are presented to me I am somehow, somewhat familiar with or experiencing and I offer to suggest that the Law of Attraction is very much real, the energy of your spirit gravitates to and attracts into your life things that are your “vibrations”. So the issues that I’m presented with are just Thea reflections of my presentation. I will keep getting the broken people as long as I stay broken.

“We are cooking with grease NOW!”
-My step-dad.

I’ve come to believe that a great number of people who decide to get married do so because there is a such thing as divorce. They know going in that they have an out. Because they have an out they don’t feel the pressure to HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK or DO EVERYTHING THAT MUST BE DONE IN ORDER TO ENSURE THAT IT DOES WORK and instead they do just the minimum, visible maintenance that satisfies the “perception” or allowable doings. I used that analogy because it was the first one that came to my head but it actually has NOTHING to do, in terms of specificity, with the issues that I was presented with. But for the sake of entertaining my idea, ask yourself this:

If you knew that you HAD to spend the rest of your life with this one person and could only be intimate with this one person and had to entrust this one person WITH KNOWING AND CARING FOR ALL OF YOUR NEEDS and on top of that you would have to trust that this one person would do the same for you as you have done, would you get married?

That damn grease just popped somebody.

You get the point though.

Many of the decisions that I made in my past, careless and confusing as they were, were made because I had the “wrong” options available. I had defense mechanisms and “outs” that I knew were safety nets and all too willing to catch me when I fell. Because I had these “outs” I didn’t really have to STEP UP to the plate and hit for myself. These “outs” were family, friends, places, and things alike that all were available to me and I had knowledge of them. These “outs” prevented me from having to be accountable or responsible. These “outs” were based on facts and I used that fact to support the justification of how I behaved. The problem there is that facts are not always all of the truth and the truth is not always honesty. Those “outs” were also learned behaviors and elements of the generational traditions, habits, and curses that had plagued my surroundings and were the examples shown me on how to “deal” with life. I picked up quite a few bad habits by virtue of being taught those things through the people I looked to for guidance and instruction. And the stories and conversations I heard about the people who, unbeknownst to the people talking about them, who were people I wanted to have in my life or emulate, were always nasty, hate driven rhetoric born out of anger that was response to a bad relationship or lack thereof and the issues that stem from people who “got together” with the knowledge that they could live apart. The divorce “out”. (That last concept is for the single parents that discuss the “other” parent in a negative way thinking that the child isn’t listening or paying attention or not old enough to “know what’s going on”.)

Self-pity can be a good thing, excuses (as Mr. Vereen would say) are just poor means to get there. You need reasons.

Without going into a long, over worded, “teachery” message about today’s writing I just want to say this, the reason I had to start making the “right” choices is because I had started to hate the “options” and alternatives. So I stopped moving. I stopped running. I started feeling. I started communicating. I listened. There are some valid problems and issues that I was dealing with and were definitely out of my control in terms of me being able to have prevented or thwart them from happening but my response, though sometimes a learned behavior or habit or made under duress, stress, and undue influence, was me. I accept that. I am better equipped, knowing that fact, to handle things going forward. I feel better now going into situations with the mindset that the situation is a MUST DO and not a “may work out” or “just in case, I’ve got…” type of deal. I can grow from here. I can GO from here.

BEFORE NOW, the excuse I had been using was everyone and everything else, the reason that I am different now, doing things different now, and who I am doing this for NOW, is me. That’s the RIGHT choice.

Oh, that title…

I often here people talk about “running out of time”. It’s usually in reference to having something to do or that needs to be done. I decided to RUN OUT TIME in order to get to where I needed to go. I have somewhere to be, in my skin, someone to meet there, me.

-see

©2012 Cornelious M. Flowers III

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1 thought on “Running out time.

  1. Kristin Tran :)

    I really enjoyed reading this post. For me, there is no time limit. No time limit for love, where you need to be in life, school…etc. Just try to make due to the best of your ability. Go with your passion. Fight for what you believe in, and most importantly don’t rush love. Mistakes are key to the development, but if you can avoid some along the way by taking your time, why not? 🙂

    Like

    Reply

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