Monthly Archives: December 2012

Merry Christmas

My greatest memory of any Christmas is from my childhood. I remember my mom watching us opening gifts, tearing away paper frantically with so much excitement and enthusiasm. I remember her face, an expression of joy and happiness that held only satisfaction and smiles, though making those moments possible for us had required of her tremendous sacrifice and discipline and love. As a single mom she did so much of what had to be done on her own but those details, she held inside for what made it all worth it was to see her children delight in the spirit of such moments. As we collectively but with no organization or form ravaged apart those layers of wrapping that concealed our hidden treasures, she only pointed to us where to go next. She knew, without having to look, which box or package belonged to whom and she just directed traffic, a conductor of sorts, a symphony of wonderful chaos.
In all of those Christmases there is something else that I remember, that I until now had no recognition of nor appreciation for but right now I totally understand. She always had to secretly wipe away a tear. Inconspicuously she would reach behind her glasses and sweep away the evidence of her determination and pride. The strongest cries are those that you have to hold in for the sake of someone else. As children we were oblivious to such and we would never have understood any mention of a “happy” cry or “tears of joy”, but this morning I do. The reason for the season is to observe and honor the spirit of giving. Some of us build this faith on a belief and trust in Christ, some of us on our remembrance per tradition, and others because of “presents” BUT whatever your reasons, in this moment, take full observation and solace in the joy of this day. Right now some child is smiling with no knowledge or clue of what had to happen to secure some game or shoe or toy or money… Some family, normally at odds, will compromise in this instance for the sake of what Christmas brings, or the plates that will be served today. Although not everyone will see their list fulfilled, there are homeless and abandoned members of our society that will be fed today, children that are not of privilege or sufficient means that will receive some trinket or toy by the hands of charity, donation, “secret Santa”, or from some individual(s) who seeks to do for someone else for the sake of bringing a smile to their face.
My mother has been gone a long time and never (in the flesh) got a chance to see me go through the things that she went through for us for my son, her only grandchild but I remember and I will teach him. As I wrapped a mound of gifts for my son, I felt tears start to build in me, recognizing a familiar feeling that I had known long ago. I conjured thoughts and feelings that acknowledged that I had finally began to recognize the “spirit” and “true meaning” of what Christmas is. I made a vow to myself to find ways to give this feeling to others through my service, support, and talent. It felt good. My son has yet to open his things but today, when he does, I have a feeling I think I will probably be getting a whole lot more out of what’s behind this wrapping than he will!






Heartbreak is the only reason to keep on loving

Or trying to find love where there is no pain….

Or finding patience in pain because pain attracts healing and cures

And forgiveness becomes a reason to be hurt again or an excuse you can use to justify why you do any of it…

Sex is how you explain it

Because words can’t and no one seems to speak your language when it comes to things that matter

And since sex seems to matter you make it a matter-of-factly type of means of communicating when you can’t

And it seems that you never do

But you keep trying…

Trying to make love to make sense to make something better because the thought makes you feel good

Or a memory makes you feel good

Or a fantasy makes you imagine that it will feel good

And maybe it does, if it does, when it does

But it does absolutely nothing to change anything significant

Because sex is definitely not significant

When it comes to love

It just magnifies heartbreak

And makes things difficult

And different

And makes fools of people who think that they are smarter than love

Or heartbreak

Or pain

Or anything that requires you to surrender possibility to the probability

That you will inevitably feel absolutely nothing as it overtakes you

Blame it on the chemical avalanche that rushes you and depletes you of rationality…

Yes, it’s a mess

Trying to fix broken people with broken means, things you picked up from other broken people,

Who are just being

The truth is that you only want to when you have no choice but to and that will only make things seem more important than what they really are until you realize that the only things that matter are the things that don’t mean enough to distract you from what gives you a chance to love

Without questions

Or sufficient answers

Or expectations

That judge mistakes

And circumvent adventure

With the chance to wait

Your soul doesn’t care what happened nor what is next

It cries out to give its best

To illuminate from behind the desk

That contains all of the files you’ve amassed and collected and repeatedly over-checked for where you could have done different

And maybe some type of map that could lead you from this prison

That holds you hostage and forces you to listen

To the sound of echoes that beckons you from assumption

Your memory only knows where it once was

Not where you’re going to be,

Heartbreak is the only thing that will make you able to see,

Just how foolish it all had came to be

Until you care enough to remain at ease

And breathe

The real sigh of relief

That makes you free.


©2012 Cornelious M. Flowers III