Monthly Archives: February 2014

Today’s -see 2/24/2014

YOU are bigger than any loss that YOU will ever take!

The “gain” in “gone”.

Life constantly reminds us of change. Look around, look out the window, gaze across your view. Look at the sky or to the ground, observe the seasons. Look in the mirror. Really look in the mirror. There is the biggest example of change that YOU will ever know!

I took a 6 hour train ride and a 17 hour bus ride over this past weekend. There was once upon a time when trips like these were first nature to me. I could ride the rails and the greyhounds of transportation with such an excited patience and stillness. I enjoyed the views, the landscapes of the horizons and the fertile abundance of earths plentiful splendor. I could spend hours gazing off into sunsets and rises, at mountaintop or water views, I’d stare endlessly into the trees and fields and plains. Wherever I was going would be a distant thought as I would wander in the travel and moments of my routes. Wouldn’t notice any of the noises or sounds amongst me. I’d barely even see, let alone hear the people in the cars or seats right next to me.

Not this trip.

I heard every baby crying. Every snore, sneeze, cough. I think I smelled every unbathed, non-deodorized, fart. I heard every silly, ignorant, or stupid conversation. Every “crazy” antic and outburst. I heard every phone conversation, each broken word, curse word, inappropriate for public consumption word, every angered, frustrated, delusional word. I smelled every popcorn, peanut, flaming hot cheeto, White Castle burger, mild sauce, and the bus breath that comes with it. I smelled every opening of that bathroom door. And I looked out the windows, but all I saw was a long, very long, way to go.

But I changed…

These things were probably always here. I’m sure they were. I’m sure people always talked like this. And smelled like that. And babies cried endlessly, and hysterically, like that. And I’m sure that people have always eaten, and relieved themselves on the buses, or on the train. I’m sure of it. And I had the patience and perspective to be able to enjoy it all. Until I was a parent. And my bills were past due. And my personal life was in disarray. And I was dealing with severe health issues. And family issues. And dealing with obstacles and challenges and problems that at 35, I can’t run from as I did in my teens and twenties. Mortality was not a factor back in the day. I had energy and excitement reserved for being able to leap and tower over and beyond whatever I was going through. Not today. Today that energy has to be compartmentalized and rationed accordingly. Today I am frustrated with the “resolve” I have that I once knew as a reflex. Back then, these were decisions that I made. Today they are but the choices I perceive as my only options.

Or not. Or I choose to think positively.

So on the 2nd leg of the bus journey we get this driver, James. James is a 54 year old man from Chicago who has been driving Greyhound for 24 years come March 2014. James likes tea and lemonade. James tends to think that he is also a comedian. Or at least equipped with a great enough sense of humor to control the room of his bus. I know these things because James frequented the mic and stage by taking full use of the intercom during our trip. And for the first 6-7 hours, I thought James was pretty damn annoying! And he would end every “set” with this…

“And remember people, if you want to stay positive, stay around positive. Stay around positive people. Stay around people that keep you thinking positive. And if they are not positive, well, thank God for caller ID and voice mail, and the unfollow button.”

And James said this about 4 or 5 times during the first 7 hours of the trip. I barely heard him. Especially over, well all those things that I was seeing, and hearing, and smelling.

And then I started smiling. And then I looked out the window. And then I saw some mountains that I remembered. And a lake that I recalled. As a matter of fact, I stopped at that lake before while driving this trip with my son about 6 years ago. And then I started remembering those trees and the look of the sky, and all that field.

And none of my problems went away, but I put them in perspective.

Today is today. Yesterday was today, yesterday. Today is always a chance to start over. Yesterday is always a chance you had. Today is new, always new. Yesterday is old, it will always be old. And the more today’s that you take advantage of, well the older and unnecessary it becomes to have so much faith or fantasy in what was, yesterday. These trips were once so peaceful and serene to me because they were the moment that I had and I reveled in them. It wasn’t that I didn’t see or hear what was going on around me, it was that what was going on in me was more important. I believed, I hoped, I had faith. I was so positive.

And slowly and surely, life happened. And mistakes were made. And problems occurred. And time passed. And regrets accumulated. And options seemed to narrow. And opportunities began to slow. And as an adult I have surrounded myself with more people who offer their views on reality from a sense of practicality as opposed to the younger version of me that sought out the dreamers and the doers and them that had perpetual optimism and hope. I spoke “life” and tolerated nothing less from anyone around me. And I took my bumps and bruises with a smile because I knew then what James has helped me remember now, today is a new day. Today is a new start.

On the way to my destination, one to which I have traveled many times before, there is this open field of farms. I always remember these lands because of their length and width and neat uniformity. Whether they are filled with crops or in the planting season. It is one long area of this purpose. And today I saw the fields and it’s all just dirt and openness. But I remembered that I’ve seen it like this before. I’ve seen it with just the dirt. I’ve seen it full of vegetation. And today I realized that both are life. Of course the crop season is life, growing and ripe, picked according to its fullness. But so is what I see today. Because underneath that ground is a process. A process of planting and fertilizing and nurturing. A process of steps. And that is a positive thing.

And before you know it, the bus was quiet.
Or I didn’t notice that it wasn’t. And I’m sitting there smiling. I’m sitting in the realization of the moment. A new opportunity to DO! A chance to change. A reason to try. Or try again. A reason to think, feel, and be positive. And if no one around me is going to be that for me, then I will be that for them! And maybe that’ll help a little bit. Maybe not with the smells, but life is a garden, and gardens use fertilizer, and fertilizer is, well, I guess the bad smell has a purpose too!

Thanks James,
Happy TODAY!


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers


Fire (For You)… [POEM]

I, once just a flicker
an alive kept spark
just barely being noticed
in an overwhelming dark

and my flame so being
as it tapered, to and fro
movement of the instant
giving me the way to go

yet burn had I always
purposed such to be
never to extinguish
it is fire, still in me

but now have I this glow
this reason to pursue
I, now a fire brightened
the reason thus is you

a fire toward redemption
a flame to recompense
be it warmth or so as it
I burn to such convince

a room no more hidden
I have torn apart enrage
I now tower as inferno
purpose so emblazoned

burn, my fire, burn
as your elements persist
I, a fire set by love,
under control of a kiss

now for you, blaze I, on
from way of your wind
a world now to conquer
till you decide its end

I, once just a flicker
on verge of letting out
you my dear found me
and set my fire about.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers

Work in progress … [POEM]

I am not good enough
nor will I ever be
to love you as I imagine,
or even as I see

I am only a star
you deserve every one
I am just a moon
you deserve the sun

Long to riches and favor,
spotlight and fame,
but now just an ordinary,
a much of the same

No word that I remember
or thing that I do
is sufficient to reward
the treasure of you

But yet I am fallen
a victim of sorts
under judge of your prudence
at mercy of your court

Convicted of passion
and sentenced to plea
I will spend my time serving
to the needs of your see

A slave set to master
subservient to rule
I am a clown to your circus
for your love I am fool

Thus obey as so ordered
and fulfilled as is promised
I give to thee my nothingness
a bulb to such blossom

In a garden that you’ve planted
a seed and fertile dirt
watered, your love and time
I will soon be thus worth

Then will I be special
as you’ve seen me all along
a rose in your window
a lyric in your song

And I will never be good enough
in the great that I will with your help be
to love you to the magnitude that I imagine,
or even to the deserve as I now see.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers

Always love… [POEM]

An always love
that was
that ever goes
and returns
burns like eternal flames
the same
through challenge
and change
as strange as it may seem
yet believed
and breathed into possibility
like leaves
on fruit trees
from a juniper breeze
teasing the arms reach
of what-if’s
and might-be’s
and not-quite-now’s
but likely’s…

An always love
that always was
exactly that
an always does
exactly match

even when things
are different-ly.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers

Today’s -see 2/14/2014

Love YOU “loved”…

YOU must love YOU. Because “loving” or being “loved” by anyone else is only possible when YOU know what love is for YOURSELF. DO YOU KNOW WHAT LOVE IS? Knowing is what happens as a result of experience and exercise. YOU have to DO love. YOU have to practice love. YOU have to perform love. For YOURSELF! Perpetually. Love (for others) is possible when YOU know and recognize love FOR YOU. That happens when YOU know love IN YOU! YOU must be the bar and standard for how love is translated, transpired, and transported, in YOUR life. No one can love YOU if YOU don’t love YOU. They can love “on” YOU, they can have love “for” YOU, and they can attempt to give love “to” YOU. But it can only be properly received and reciprocated if YOU know it for YOURSELF. YOU must be able to identify and define love as YOU see fit by having tried love on. YOU have to wear love, YOUR own specific love. The love that suits YOUR individual taste and take. Because love is a uniquely specific entity that is as it reflects. Love is the liquid of life, it conforms to whatever container it is placed in. And so just as cups with no bottoms can hold no water, or tiny cups hold tiny amounts, YOU must be able to receive the love poured into YOU and YOU must be able to accommodate the volume of love by being big enough to handle it. Or that love will just run through YOU. Or spill out. Or just make a mess. Of everything.

Today is a great time to learn love. For YOU. While we bask in the revel of this celebration that is to be symbolic of love and appreciation. As we are reminded of our haves and have nots by the constant imagery and marketing that today is. While we “smell” the roses and “taste” the chocolates of today. While we engage in the romantic gestures and ideas of what love is or said to be. While we send and receive notes petitioning and proclaiming our “love” for others, and for all. While we example to those that are watching us that today is all about “love” and the enumeration of ways in which to portray love. Or while we don’t. Or have not. Or sit alone. Or wait at the windows or doorsteps of opportunity for love. Or while we sit in the closets of our own abandonment and condemn love. For hurting us. Or leaving us. Or letting us down. Because that idea of love has done these things.

Today YOU get to love YOU. And tomorrow as well. And everyday after. And YOU get to love YOU forever. And YOU get to celebrate that love. And YOU get to express that love. And learn from that love. And that love will teach others. It will teach others just as it teaches YOU. To love. And what love is. And how love works. And why love works. And what to expect of and from real, true, and authentic, love. And it will be an experience. It will always be an experience. And YOU will be able to share that experience. And what comes with it. With everyone. On so many levels. In so many phases. And ways. And degrees. And stages. Through whatever. YOU, wholly, being and becoming an example of love. in the celebrations, in the challenges. Full. With more to give. Because YOU know what YOU can afford to pour out and where to refill.

Once YOU know love.
For YOU.
With YOU.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers

Love Me… [POEM]

It is not as easy
to love you
as it is
to want to
but I want to
so I’ll learn it,
so I’ll earn it
show that I can
on demand
present myself before you
just a man
and hope that you give me ear,
or a chance
to prove it
force me to your rules
or lose it,
the chance to choose you
as I choose me,
setting aside reason opposite,
so that you make your decision,
because you had other choices
other voices to consider,
but you listened
heard a standard in my tone,
a difference
and cheered it on
hoped that I pursued you
so you readied yourself,
for the chase,
so the case I should subdue you
and that was not easy
but you learned to
let me think I knew,
while teaching me
let me think I was strong,
while weakening me
you made me cry again
and try again,
you gave me my fire back
while extinguishing
old flames,
and the games,
and that same routine,
you blew worth into my value,
with change
and belief
not speculation, nor assumption
but release
and so I held on tighter
let down my defenses,
became the fighter,
that you knew I could be
hands held over my eyes,
but you knew I could see
you just wanted me to try,
you knew I would be
the perfect partner
once I had pulled it together
instead of parts of

strange to stand here today
standing here to say,
that I love you
in so many ways
for so many things
but for one specifically,
teaching me
to love me.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers

Model… [POEM]

We measure beauty
as if it could ever be even
and for good reason
to protect vanity
from the haunt of her secret,
that she feels ugly
that she is more than her fading identity
and so we protect her perfect
and profess her worth the sacrifice
so that she doesn’t feel dirty
but that she is always looking down
at someone
on someone
for something
and so that her perfect smile
can hide crooked words
things said to her less preferred
the doubts she reflects in placed mirrors
in bathrooms she hides from the world in
until she emerges,
the worlds ten
grace that is practiced
poise that is acted
pleasant that is actually
an act as well
until she can get back to the bathroom
and wash off her only strength
in front of her reflection
that she cannot convince
to stop crying
to stop lying
to stop trying
to commit
to being more beautiful
and more sexy
her self esteem flexing its weakness
perplexing its meekness
complex is its genius
but no one sees it
that she matters not
because it doesn’t matter
when you can be looked at
for being a look that flatters
and so she eats the idea,
pray she don’t get no fatter
from such a big appetite
and hunger
for being loved
for more than fair skin
and high cheeked bones
and eyes that look like rainbows
and body that fits any clothes
and pretty fingers
and toes
and hair
that if she chose or not to
would flow
lips that curve naturally
and the perfect everything else
when no one else seems to notice the reality
that all this will be gone
and she will have spent all of her life
hiding behind lies
that only she knows…

and we will continue
to measure her beauty
put her on covers,
in made up things
hidden by our perceptions
of made up things
and expect her to feel pretty enough
to say nothing
about her true feelings
and how she longs for a normalcy
that only being ugly brings
and that her truth is
she’d be a lot more comfortable
without being seen
for being anything other
than what anyone else sees
she’d rather measure her beauty
by the uglier means
how she is not so perfect
but just like she
that doesn’t get told so often
that the ugly girl
is all the pretty girl
ever wanted to be.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers

Pray. As YOU are. To He that is.

An ambiguous prayer may be answered by an ambiguous God;

A midnight prayer, a midnight God,

Or a specific prayer,
by a God who already knows.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers

Today’s -see 2/13/2014

It would be devastating to find out that people thought about YOU all along what it was that YOU thought about YOU all along.

Even though they didn’t say it. Even when they didn’t show it. They didn’t support it. They didn’t refer YOU or recommend YOU for it. It seems like they didn’t even recognize it in YOU or what was or is special about YOU. The fact of the matter is that they put up more resistance than anything. They ignored YOU, they avoided YOU, they caused YOU great pain, stress, and doubt. They pushed YOU away. They pushed YOU back. They talked about YOU for all the wrong reasons. They mentioned everything that YOU did wrong. They pointed out all of YOUR issues. They spread all the “bad” stuff about YOU, the “bad” that YOU have done, around. They told the stories of YOUR faults, of YOUR mistakes, of YOUR regrets. They made YOU out to be a monster.

And it doesn’t really matter who else believed them, the truth is that YOU started to. YOU STARTED LISTENING TO THE VOICES. YOU started hearing what they were saying and YOU started doubting YOURSELF. YOU started wondering if YOU were a monster. YOU started questioning YOUR mind, YOUR own heart, YOUR feelings. YOU started questioning YOUR own faith. YOU stopped feeling so sure about YOURSELF. YOU stopped believing and having so much faith in whatever “it” is, in YOU. YOU stopped having the dreams and the imaginations and the ideas. YOU started to lose it. YOU started to change YOUR mind. YOU started to do something else.

And then YOU find YOURSELF more alone than ever. And YOUR heart hurts. YOUR feelings are hurt. Time has passed, so much time has passed. YOU have gone further and farther away from YOUR dreams. YOU have drifted a long way from who it was YOU once were supposed to be. From who YOU just knew YOU could/should/would be. From where YOU wanted to go. Because YOU had to survive and “survival” forced YOU into settling for something else. YOU might have even gotten “good” at that something else. YOU got the attention, or at least some attention, for that something else. All YOU ever wanted was peace and to feel special and well, this something else kind of gives YOU that. Or it gives YOU just enough of it to not go crazy. And YOU can hide behind it.

Until YOU end up where YOU thought YOU never wanted to be anyway. YOUR biggest fear was failure. YOUR biggest fear was not making it. YOUR biggest fear was not trying. YOUR biggest fear was not going, not following YOUR dream. YOU had a feeling, YOU heard a voice, YOU saw a vision of it. YOUR biggest fear was to not obey that feeling, to not listen to that voice, or to not believe and pursue that vision. And YOU get to a point where YOU realize that YOU have done exactly that. YOU are exactly where YOU “never” wanted to be. YOU have become who YOU never wanted to be.

And then YOU run into someone who used to be one of the people that gave YOU the most resistance. That had the most doubt about YOU. That “hated” on everything YOU tried. The person that talked YOU out of every dream, spoke “YOU won’t” into every “I will” that YOU had, and gave YOU every reason why YOU shouldn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t. The person who YOU heard was spreading all of YOUR business around, telling everybody about all that YOU did wrong. A person that YOU shared every detail and description of YOUR hopes and dreams with, even while they seemed to doubt and give YOU distractions, and try to get YOU to detour. They tried to derail YOUR journey, they only put distance in between YOU and YOUR goal. And then YOU run into them today and they ask,

“What happened to YOU? YOU had all the talent and the gift and the skill and the potential. I just knew YOU were going to make it. I just knew YOU were going to be successful. What happened to all the stuff YOU were going to do? What happened to YOUR dream? YOU were such an inspiration. I learned so much from YOU! I just knew that YOU were going to do exactly what YOU said YOU were going to do! What happened?”


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers

Hustle… [POEM]

have to make it
because a few people won’t let me fail
won’t let me tell myself no
tell myself GO
face adversity with a fervor
looks like success
up even when down
going to deserve my benefit
because I invested everything I had
until I was empty,
watch God replenish it
starts within
won’t rest until I finish it
faced with the reality
this is what I wanted,
Isn’t it?
fear in limited supply
courage edition limited
one of the chosen
with audacity of the abandoned
proud to face my battles
pride stranded
wrestling angels
in the spirit of Jacob,
blessings demanded
might as well go for it,
still standing
no time to stop
just watch…
handed gems and little treasures
from pirates aboard measure
rest assured
pain will be overtaken,
by pleasure
no pressure
not just for me
or for my destiny
or for anything other than belief,
but forever.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers