Monthly Archives: July 2014

Dear young Me,

This morning I saw an old picture of you.

You were smiling.

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I remember you smiling like that. I remember how often you smiled like that. Those smiles were real. They were so real.

I looked at your eyes in the picture. I remember that look in those eyes. Those eyes carried a smile that was even bigger than your smile was. Those eyes smiled so happy and excited and curiously. Those eyes smiled so certain and believing and determined. Those eyes smiled like they should, because they were supposed to.

I remember that.

I remember what you were seeing back then. I remember all of it. Even the bad stuff. And you still smiled.

Then I started smiling. Because I started to remember some things that you had said back then…

Your favorite car was a mustang. You used to carry around a little matchbox model of one with you. You used to tell grandma that you were going to buy you one day and you were going to take her for a ride, wherever she wanted to go. You promised to drive her around the world in your mustang.

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And you used to promise your grandmother and your mother that you’d buy them both houses. You used to ask them how many rooms they wanted and what color they liked because you were going to make the houses exactly like they liked them. And they could have all of the nicest. most expensive, furniture and jewelry and cars and boats.

I remember you wanted the family to be together. I remember your hopes for family.

I remember your feelings being hurt a little, here and there, as life began to enter your smile. Life that was full of circumstances and issues begin to creep into your world. Life that was dealing with those around you but affecting you all the same.

I remember you holding your mothers hand once while she held you, while she cried about things that were going on. I remember you promising yourself that one day you’d be big enough to fight life for her.

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And then grandma got sick. Cancer, kidney failure, diabetes, all of the other health issues that she suffered through. I remember you wanting her to get better.

I remember your confusion about religion. Because grandma and them were Jehovah’s Witnesses but momma was baptist. And none of the men you knew were either. I remember how you questioned God about those things. Because their beliefs in God kept them from being able to do certain things as a family. I remember your questions.

And then you got molested.
You kept it to yourself.
And you started to have sex. You were only 10.
You kept it to yourself.

Momma made a few decisions that you didn’t understand.
And you started witnessing some of the things that momma was going through..
Momma told you to be quiet.

You kept smiling.

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I wish that the extent of what you went through ended somewhere back then. I really wish that all you had to deal with was that stuff. And that stuff was horrible. I saw you robbed of your sexual innocence. I saw the inception and development of habits and traditions that would eventually poison the pure intentions and hopes of your heart. I saw you begin to lose faith and confidence in people. I saw you begin to discover the ugly and cruel of life. I saw you begin to accept that there was a such thing as impossible.

You had a secret and you were told to keep it.
You were told to keep what went on in the house, in the house.
You watched as people went about life as if certain things weren’t happening.

That is where the problem started. That is where your habit of hiding and keeping stuff to yourself began. That’s when people started telling you that you were “strong”. What they were really saying is that you knew how to keep a secret. Momma used to always tell you how “strong” you were and how proud that made her. It was her way of telling you that she could trust you to keep her business “out the street”. That made you feel responsible.

And you didn’t want to let her down. That’s why you kept the other stuff secret too. That’s why you never even told her that you had been abused. That’s why you hadn’t told her that you were having sex. You didn’t want to let her down. You didn’t want to disappoint her.

You should have said something.

Because you had every right to. You did not have to go through stuff like that. And the truth is that some more stuff is going to happen and you’ll feel like it was your silence that allowed it.

Your mom gets murdered.
You won’t know how to deal with it.
Grandma dies.
She was the only one that understood.
You’re going to find out all kinds of things after their deaths.
You won’t think that you can go on.

But you did and you began to believe that it was just how life worked.

That silence and secrecy only got worse. You got better at it. And you learned to smile in spite of it. Your smile seemed so able to assure everyone that you were okay. And you thought that you were okay.

Dear young Me,

Today I found a picture of you. It made me smile. Then I felt a little sadness. Then I decided that I had some words for you…

• How you see you is more important than who else does. –
I remember how insecure you were about your teeth. They always called you “Bucky”. I remember how bad that made you feel. Especially since there was nothing that you could do about them. Teeth were natural. Teeth were part of what “God” had given you. I remember you hated smiling because of your teeth, but you couldn’t help it. Smiling came just as natural.
I remember something that you were even more embarrassed about than your teeth. Not having a belly button. You hated having to take your shirt off. In school. At the beach. At the pool. As you got older, around girls. The hernia surgery as an infant had taken away your belly button. I remember how unnatural and incomplete you had felt. That insecurity coupled with the secrets and other issues had begun to diminish the esteem you had in yourself. You started to feel bad about things that weren’t even your doing, things that definitely weren’t your fault.
Well, guess what, you had nothing to worry about! That crooked smile is going to get you just as many girls as a mouthful of aligned pearly whites ever could. I promise you that. And that belly button, you won’t even remember it. You’ll get older and it’ll be a footnote. You won’t hide it. You won’t care what people think about it. And actually, people are going to think its cool. I know, right!
There were a lot of other things that you used to struggle with about yourself. You’ll learn to love and appreciate them as well. Funny thing is, people liked them even though you didn’t.
And the stuff that people made fun of you about wasn’t about you. The belly button, your height, your teeth, your nappy hair, your shoes, your clothes… All of that was their way of struggling with their own identity. Trying to make you feel bad about who you are distracts people from facing themselves.
But it’s only important if you make it important! You have to live with you and there are a great number of people and places that are willing to accommodate once you make that decision. The most important thing is that you learn to acknowledge and accept who and what you are in a comfortable way. You can change things, but know that no exterior change will erase an interior thought or feeling that remains there. What you believe about you is what the most important people in your life will believe about you!

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(I had a lot to say to you about that because I know that to be where it started. Here are some other notes.)

• You are alive. That is amazing. Embrace it. –
Life is really a gift. No matter how it’s wrapped. Everyone has some issues. Everyone has some problems. Everyone has some drama. But you’re here. You’ve got a chance to fight for a chance. Make the best of that chance. There is so much to try and attempt for you. There are so many possibilities. Of course there will be pain. There is going to be a lot of pain and loss. Geez, you are going to lose some people. Some of your hardest days are ahead. And it will be tragic. Loss is always a tragedy. But in loss you will discover strength and character.
Loss is also going to illustrate that fragility of life. You will be exposed to the vulnerability and risk of being human. You will bear witness to weakness and sadness and grief, beyond what you could ever imagine. And it is going to hurt. Unfortunately, you are going to internalize and hide your feelings about it. But eventually you make it through. And you’ll be a better person for it.
And you’ll still be alive. That is definitely amazing. Loss will teach you that so many don’t get that chance. Embrace yours.

• Dream. Remember your dreams. Never forget them. –
Remember when you thought that you could be a super hero? Remember when you wanted to fly? Remember when you wanted to save the planet from destruction? Remember your dreams about saving the world? Plans were born of those dreams. Don’t ever give them up.
Remember that you want good. Remember that you want love and peace. Remember that you want happiness. Remember that you want to believe people. Remember that you believe people.
Your dreams are possible! There is resistance. There is confusion. There is not a lot of support from the people closest to you. You think that it’s because they don’t like you. You think it’s because they don’t want to see you “make it”. It’s not any of that. You’re different and they don’t know what you need. They are familiar and accustomed to a certain way. Eventually they’ll learn that they were trying to impose their own beliefs and limitations on you but in the meantime, you’ve got to keep dreaming. You’ve got to remember what’s in your heart. You’ve got to follow the inner voice and pull that draws you to opportunities and places that do recognize who you are and what you want. Don’t be afraid to leave. Go! It’s okay, you can come back. You will return, many times. And even though people appear to be fighting you at every turn, about every choice and decision that you’re making, it’s not what it looks like. You’re encouraging them. You’re inspiring them. You’re doing exactly what they expected you to do.

• Be prepared to make adjustments. Make adjustments. –
“The way it is” is different from “the way it was” and might be a hell of a difference from “the way it will be”.
Don’t get too attached or comfortable with anything. Life is too fragile. Life is too susceptible to elements outside of your control. Things happen. Good things and bad things. Things that interrupt the flow and monotony. Things that alter the situation beyond what you may be able to comprehend at the time. So be ready. Be flexible. Learn some new things. Learn new words, new places, new people. Learn outside of your comfort and convenience zones. Be ready to move with the wind and opportunity of change. Allow yourself to accept change and different. Allow yourself to change and do different!
Sometimes the thing that you feel you want to do is a direct result of what you’ve been exposed to or what has been expressed to you. Be willing and open to new things. Adjust. Adjust with the time. Adjust with the seasons. Adjust with your age. Adjust with your maturity. Adjust with your growth.

• Trust is important. Trust yourself first. –
You cannot be afraid to be vulnerable. Don’t do that to yourself. Trust establishes connection. Trust establishes relationship. Trust establishes bond.
You need these things for your health and well-being.
You need to trust yourself in order to recognize trust in others. There are things and feelings that you will understand only after you have attained a particular level of trust within yourself. You have to trust your mind and your heart. You have to trust your feelings. You have to trust your “gut”. You have to trust your instinct.
Your word is one of the first things that you will need to trust. You have to trust your own words. Your own word. You have to establish standards and boundaries, limitations and limits, for yourself, by your own self-application of trust. You have to know what you can and cannot take, allow, do, be. You have to secure yourself in the foundation of that trust in order for you to be able to recognize or realize trust in others. If you trust you, once you trust you, you will be able to perceive when a person has trust in their own selves. By that factor, you will be able to allow yourself to trust your heart, and feelings to the unknowns of life. Because you need to.
You’ll be let down quite a few times. But even that is necessary. It builds you up. It creates better and stronger boundaries. It teaches you lessons that must be learned before you enter into agreements and partnerships, eventually relationships.
It all starts with trusting yourself.

• People are going to let you down. It’s life. –
It’s a part of life, kid. And you’ll never get used to it.
I wish that I could walk you through life if for nothing else but to protect you from this behemoth of reality. People are going to be your undoing. They might just as well be how you arise, but they are going to be a part of your fall.
People are going to disappoint you and let you down. People are going to take advantage of you. People are going to misuse and abuse you. People are going to incorporate you into their mess. People are going to manipulate you. People are going to attempt to encourage, influence , and persuade you to do, be, become, think, feel, and act to their desires, wants, and expectations. It’s going to be subtle, it’s going to be subversive, it’s going to be surreal! But it’s going to happen.
The truth is that people aren’t just going to let you down, you’re going to let them down as well. You’re not without the ability to be just as human. And the fact is that letting people down is a very human thing. Sometimes you’ll do it inadvertently. But there will be times that you do it as a defense mechanism. You’ll have moments where you do it in retaliation and for retribution. You’ll do it as a reflex, responding to your own hurt and harm.
And because it’s life, it will be a part of this cycle that you’ll never be able to control, only manage. I pray that you manage it well.

• Find a way to trust people, anyway. –
I hope that one of the lessons you learn is that people don’t always deserve to be forgiven for what they’ve done but they always deserve to be given the chance to be understood as being human. Stuff happens. People will “turn” on you for the darnedest of reasons. Pushed to an “edge”, there is no telling what someone is capable of. You included! So be willing to trust people. Limit your exposure by limiting people’s access to you but don’t cut off humanity for the sake of being bitter.
You need people. You’ll need people. You’ll always need somebody.

• Love yourself. That’s enough love to carry you.
I cannot stress this point enough. I wish someone would have told you that early on. I wish that someone would have been willing to give you the self-confidence and self-assurance that would have reinforced the belief and understanding in you to discover what love really is. I wish that you hadn’t been warped and confused by some of the things that you were exposed to. I wish that you hadn’t experienced sex so early and then went on to confuse sex with love or sex with communication, or sex with trust.
You are in for a long road to recovery. It is going to take years for you to break the emotional and psychological stronghold that those unfortunate events will hold to you. It will cause all kinds of issues and it will reek havoc on how you identify emotion and feeling.
But self-love, is a difference maker. The road to loving yourself is a long and arduous one. But once you get there, things will be so much better. I promise.

• Don’t let anyone hurt you with their mess. No one. Ever. –
Be careful with what you allow yourself to feel responsible for. Be careful who you surrender the power to influence you to. Watch out for those serial manipulators and people who play on your heart and emotion. You have a big heart and you’re naive. You’re gullible. You are prone to believing and trusting people, face value. That has let you down often. That will let you down often.
But you have to get up. You are going to have to get up and fight through the feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Because you will invest your time and energy into people and so what they have going on will affect you and they will make you feel as if things that have to do with them, automatically have to do with you.
You’re not responsible for everybody. Don’t let them make you feel like you are.

• Speak up. So that you are heard. –
You have every right to how you feel. You have every right to express how you feel. No one will ever know if you don’t speak up though.
From early on you brought into the culture of silence and secrecy that allowed for things that went on in the dark to ruminate and fester. That stuff became toxic thoughts and actions. It became bad habits and traditions. It separated you from open and honest relationships.
And that became what was once labeled as your “independence”. But you weren’t independent, you were insecure. And you just kept on smiling.

• Never lose that smile. –
You have no idea how much life your smile brings to a room. Don’t ever stop. I know it hurts sometimes. I know that sometimes that smile is a disguise hiding every horror and hell that you’re going through. I know that smile is masking pain and troubles. That smile is hiding grief and depression and stress that began to deteriorate your health and your psyche.
Just don’t lose it. It makes people feel better. It shows people that things are going to be okay. That smile is a medicine. It is a cure to a sickness. It heals. It’s self-medication. Keep giving the world doses of it.

• It’s your youth, there will be a time to grow up. –
I wish you would have tried a little more of the things that kids did. You were forced to grow up too fast. You hid in the presence of older people because you felt responsible. And for some reason you were allowed to. I wish you would have done some more juvenile stuff. Your teenage years weren’t spent “trying to be grown”, they were spent having to be grown. You had to mature fast. You had to be a certain responsible and accountable. You felt a certain responsible and accountable. You were really hurt and afraid. I wish that you would have gotten counseling or therapy and given a forum to discuss your issues. Maybe then someone would have heard your cries and gave you the correct direction.
I remember momma always telling you to “go be a kid” and you hated that.
Believe me, you’re going to wish you had done it afterwards.

• Much more will happen. –
What happens when the “worst thing that could happen”, does?
Something else.
That’s what happens. Something else happens, a new “worst thing”.
If you could take any advice that I give you to heart, I’d encourage it to be this: YOU HAVE NO IDEA what you are about to go through. And every time it seems like the waters are calming or a storm is passing, BAM!, you will be hit by something else. Each time a thing that you never thought would be possible.
From death to heartbreak to failure to trouble. You are going to have some unbelievable things happen to you. You are going to do some unbelievable things. And time won’t heal all of it. Time won’t make every amend nor will it apologize away the stupidity or unfortunate nature of some of your mistakes. And those mistakes will compound. Believe me, you have no idea how bad it’s going to get!

• You are going to get through it. –
Guess what… You’re going to survive those things. You are going to overcome so much. You are going to win so many battles. You’re going to make it through darkness, tunnels, over mountains, all those proverbial obstacles and the real ones too.
You’re going to do some amazing things in the midst of it all. I know how much you worry about stuff. I know how much you internalize and let things get in your head. You’re golfing to make it. I promise you are.

Today I found a picture of you and a feeling came over me. It was a familiar feeling. At first I hesitated to allow myself to feel it but before I knew what I was doing, it had totally encompassed me. And I was doing something that I remembered doing when I was about your age, I smiled so hard. I smiled like I didn’t have a care in the world. I smiled like it mattered. Like nothing mattered but yet everything did. I smiled with hope and dreams and possibility.
You were the reason that I smiled and that felt good.

Oh young Me, I wish I would have known then what I know right now. I wish I could have given you the courage that I just discovered before you discovered the facts of life. Because what I know today is that those facts are able to hurt you when you have fear. But when you have courage and determination, those facts are bound to your preference. You get to choose how they affect you.

It’s crazy.

There are so many things that I’d love to say to you. So many details. So many pitfalls that I would love to help you avoid. I wish that I could fight the battles for you. I wish there was someway I could give you what I now know.

But, it’s so much and I wouldn’t want to ruin that smile. And plus, well after all of it, I’ve got my own smile back. Thanks to you somehow. So in some way, it was the way that it was going to happen.

I’ll smile for you. From now on. I’m going to smile because I have every right to. I deserve to. Especially after all that has happened to us.

I can’t believe we made it.

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Sincerely,

A much older You.

-see

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
@seethepoet

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Open, for Closure…

So, for the past year I’ve been working on this book. I walked away from everything to do it. I walked away from a certain life, from a certain livelihood.

The stories, the feelings, the emotions, and all that came out of me in this process, I could never explain. It hurt to remember and to recall. It hurt to recognize that these things were my reality, were my past.

And 6 months ago (January 26) I even stopped cutting hair in order to focus on it. I did that against advice and better judgement and common sense. I did it because my heart told me to. I did it because my spirit spoke to me what my heart was saying. I did it because my mind was willing to listen to both my heart and spirit, because for so long I had fought doing such. And thus I went further into a seclusion. Further into an isolation. To get what I had been searching for all these years.

And so, in these last 6 months I have experienced the most amazing of revelation and recollection. I’ve wandered through the bowels of history and flushed out feelings and parts of me that had long been compacted and obstructive to the natural flow of me being able to live a certain freely. And in these 6 months I’ve allowed myself to just stop. I stopped trying to do “everything”. I stopped trying to “make it work”. I stopped trying to “prove myself”. I stopped holding everything in. And I began to let it all out. Even what I didn’t put to those pages, I spoke to myself. I faced my self and recognized who I was and who I had become. I faced myself as a human. I realized that I was not “the only one”, not the demon, not the monster, not the negative image that I had imagined myself to be. And I faced my hurt. I even faced those who had hurt me. I faced the largest hurts of my life and stood firm in the presence of them. And I didn’t run, like I used to. I didn’t fold, like I used to. Instead I stood there. Instead of loathing, I laughed.

And in these 6 months, things that I did not expect happened. Things like, my health improving. 15 plus years of hypertension came under control. My prescription medicine dosage was lowered. One medicine was taken away all together. I didn’t workout, in fact I had canceled my gym membership 7 months ago because I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t go to therapy or get some alternative treatment. I actually went into a much darker place. I didn’t learn a technique, breathing or meditation. Nope, none of that. I have probably been more anxious and on edge than ever because I had found myself broke, immobile, and in this spiritual sense of solitude that had alienated me from what was once, “normal” and routine.

But yet I was getting better. Healthier. Freer. I felt so much better. I stopped communicating with 95% of the people that I had been in contact with. I did that so that I was not influenced or persuaded to feel some sort of guilt or inclination towards having to do or be what I “was supposed” to. And that was hard to do because I walked away from friends, family, opportunity.

But every month I would go to the doctor and my blood pressure is lower than the month before. The doctor said to me last month, “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it. It’s working.”

And I came home that evening and thought about that and realized what I was doing. I was letting it out. I was getting rid of all of the toxic and poisonous language and mess that was in my life. That was in my heart. That was in my head. I was writing stories that I needed to tell, to myself, in order to realize that I had come through. I had long tried to dismiss and distance myself from my past. In that, I had not ever dealt with how I felt or what I felt. I had run. I had hidden. I had avoided. I had lied to myself about who and what I was, and what I had been through.

And now I was writing it. Jumping all over the place. None of these stories making sense, in terms of fitting together. But one would lead to another. That would inspire the memory of another. And before I knew it I had remembered a long forgotten history. And in the darkness I saw flickers of light that were strong enough to illuminate old hopes and dreams. I started to feel differently about so many things, and such my feelings were validated and vindicated in the knowing of my own self. Certain, because I had come to enter an awareness that I had long thought I had been separated from.

Yesterday I was walking to the store and I spoke these words…

“I’m ready to talk.”

I didn’t even try to say it. It wasn’t loud. I was by myself. There was no conversation going on around me. There was only silence.

But yet I spoke those words…

“I’m ready to talk.”

And in that same moment I realized that the book that I’d been working on was not ever meant to be for the public that I thought I was writing it for. The book was for me. It wasn’t for presentation or performance. I once believed that I was writing the book for profit and for acclaim. I was writing it because I believed it to be my purpose. It wasn’t. It’s purpose was to get me to talk. It’s purpose was to get me to feel again. It’s purpose was to get me to remember. It’s purpose was to get me open.

This morning I awoke feeling a “different” than I have ever felt before. A weirdly wonderful that seems legitimately belonging to me. I woke up today feeling that I deserve to be. What ever follows “be” is my choice. It’s my choosing.

So I choose to SPEAK.

The book that I was writing was titled: “OPEN, for CLOSURE”. It was a story of how I got to a place of being vulnerable to change. How I got to a sense of belief and faith in the power of my own self. The book talked about tragedy and loss and grief and how families and communities often fail to protect us. It was a book about redemption and justification. It was a book of remorse and regret. It was a book that detailed, in detail, some of the rawest and most terrible moments of my life. It was a comeback story. The book was not an “I win” in the end story. The book was how it is to not win but to still have hope for victory. The book was a question, a question of what if the “good” never comes. What if the answer never is. What if the problem is never solved. What if “closure” never happens.

The book was about my life. It was about my story. And today I realized that I’d rather live it. I’ll write that book one day, a while from now. It will be a part of a different book. It will make much more sense for others at they time. But in this moment, writing it did what it was supposed to do, for me. It got me where it was supposed to get me, open.

Because I am “open, for closure” and such I have it. I am open to the idea and the opportunity. I’m open to the notion. I get it now.

I’ll start putting what I’ve written thus far on my blog. The book is better as a discussion. I’m going to be able to discuss it there.

At about 3 o’clock this morning I looked at the date:
July 23, 2014

8 years ago today, July 23, 2006, The Messengers reality show began to air. That show, and me publicly sharing parts of my life for a television audience, began this healing process. There were events and occurrences that happened during my experience with that show that started this process. I began to heal then. It’s taken 8 years. I hadn’t even thought about it, the show, in a long while. But when I thought about the day, this morning, I started to remember things that begun this journey. And it makes sense. To me, at least.

And I’m okay. I made it. I’m ready to talk. I’m open. I’m open for closure.

What’s next… (After I’m so…) [POEM]

Hope the reflections bring about respect
Thinking about those back in the days
make me wonder about what’s next
You for it
Or just flex?

It was bad back then, no lie
Gangs, drugs, rap music, and some guns
But we had “stop the violence” movements
we were able to move around, some fun

There was beef,
legit or not
But there was a sense of order
we had spots

There was community
and a sense of pride
but somewhere in between Harold and Hadiyah,
It died

And music went from
Common to a mindless behavior
as Jesus alternated
between a charm and a Savior,
either way Jesus ain’t gone save us
We are responsible for applying the lessons that the story of Jesus gave us

I remember when you were “bogus” or “out of pocket”
and somebody “called it” for the blocks
When you were able to post up on the porch,
a legitimate neighborhood watch

We used to kick it
whether you were “sent off” or “on a mission”
and the real D-Boys wanted to do something good
and we listened…

and I miss it

Social media has made us anti-human
propaganda got us believing the hype,
undue influence
opposition prepared post put us in the paint,
from righteous to ruin
The media, the madness, this mess,
congruent

So now we “turn up” instead of turn out
we went from “burnt up” to burnt out
and the old heads are tired
Everything they worked for,
didn’t really work out

We brought into being independent
without independence
and such we scattered about our history
without any dependents
from the first descendants
to being first offender defendants

Ignorant

I remember when hustle was hard work
until you came up
That was how we came up
now the hustle is to hustle
Rob, Steal, and Kill
that’s how they came up,
then call it “squad”
so they gang up
bad representation,
society blame us

Indignant

And still we skirt the real issues
fighting for freedoms in no mans land
400 years of hurt and still mis-used
Stuck in a religious time warp,
No matter what God ole masta gave us,
them still his views

And our inheritance
became irrelevant
It was once intelligence
became benevolence
feasting from the rations of a welfare portion
that’s not heaven-sent

So the “I’m so” is the “oke doke”
a nice distraction for the brunt of jokes
and debating legislating plants
is the blunt of smoke

We still got probationary voting rights
Evil is evil, you can’t vote it right
the miseducation taxed Lauryn Hill
and making niggaz laugh axed Dave Chappelle
what story shall we tell?…

Too many babies, too many babies
burying children, too many lately
Too many ways to explain it off
who do we blame, it’s OUR own fault,
We brought into it, WE brought them to it
WE have to call it off!

So,

I hope these reflections bring about respect
the good ole days are gone,
What’s next?

-see

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
– @seethepoet

Time/Life…

“In the end… Life gave us nothing. Life was just as vulnerable to ourselves as our own susceptibility to the spontaneous, to the opportune. Life is neither definite nor undecided, it is both. Life is what we get from time. Time is that which is all that we aspire life to be. But time pays us no mind, for time will and has always, a life of its own.

It is give and take. You TAKE your time, GIVE your life. Or you GIVE your time and TAKE your life. Respectively.”

-see

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
– @seethepoet

I’ll give you some bargain advice…

So, life diss-ed YOU.

Life gave you a dis-ease.
Maybe life gave you a dis-ability.

Or life dis-owned you.

Sometimes life dis-tracts you and dis-courages you. Life dis-counts who you are and dis-tances you from your rightful place and potential. Life dis-proportionately suffers you tragedy and turmoil. Sometimes life dis-approves of how you want to live. Often life just outright dis-agrees with what you want and believe you deserve.

Life gives you dis-comfort. You adapt. Life dis-credits you. Then life tells you that you are dis-connected!

All the while teaching you some very hard lessons about life, lessons in dis-obedience, dis-function and dis-honesty.

Oh, “life” will dis-appoint you.

Then life has the nerve to turn around and dis-play how bad it’s treated you, for all to see!

And then life will dis-miss you!

How did life earn the right? How did life get that much power? How dare life do that?

Why is life picking on you?

Does it even matter?

Ever had the feeling that life just dis-likes you? No matter what you do. No matter what you overcome or accomplish. No matter how much you face or take. No matter that you’ve come through more than whatever is a fair share of obstacle and issues.

Ever just had the feelings of dis-honor or dis-pleasure, with yourself, behind being unable to maintain a momentum or success that is able to sustain you or your progress? Ever just felt dis-lodged from the greater meaning or bigger picture of things?

Ever just felt dis-posable? Like you’re by yourself in a place filled with people, but no one pays attention to you. Like you’re not necessary. Like you’re not needed. Like you’re really not there. Like you’re speaking a completely different language. You seem dis-torted. You get dis-oriented.
It causes you dis-tress. You become dis-trustful.

You feel like you might as well just, dis-appear.

*Dis-claimer* – *Dis-claimer* – *Dis-claimer* – *Dis-claimer* –

[All of that is what life is supposed to do. All of it is a part of life. All of it is necessary. If you want to LIVE.]

It is time for you to do some diss-ing…

• YOU have to DIS-COVER the truth that life doesn’t always DIS-CLOSE to YOU: That truth is that it is up to YOU.

• YOU have to dis-miss any and all of whatever it is, that is only in YOUR way, until YOU move it or move around it.

• YOU have to develop the mindset and attitude that dis-regards whatever the history or the normal -which has not been good for YOU- has been.

• YOU have to dis-arm the enemy or foe against YOU. YOU have to show that YOU are a formidable presence. YOU have to learn and educate YOURSELF in the disciplines and techniques that prepare YOU to win the fight(s) of YOUR life.

• YOU have to dis-prove the critics, the stereotypes, the history, and the haters. It’s not their responsibility to show what you’re worth, it’s YOURS!

• YOU have to dis-tribute the good and positive news about YOU. YOU have to be your BIGGEST fan! Don’t let anyone tell YOU different. YOU have to believe in YOU and YOU have to love YOU and YOU have to care about YOU. YOU have to trust YOU. YOU HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS FIRST!

• YOU have to recognize dis-comfort and be willing to make changes and adjustments that bring about the different or alternatives that are necessary. YOU have to dis-continue sitting and wallowing in self-pity or depression or sadness about issues with “life”. If YOU can change it, do. If you can’t change it, DO! There is not many greater feelings than overcoming a once insurmountable odd.

• YOU have to dis-pose of the past, and the mistakes, and the failures. YOU have to decide to utilize the lessons that were learned through the experience(s). YOU have to operate with the wisdom of having “gone through” for the purpose of getting through.

• YOU have the dis-tinct power and opportunity to do what is in YOUR ability to accomplish. So, dis-turb the mediocre, dis-rupt the status quo, dis-continue the generational curse or tradition of whatever has been holding YOU back, down, or away from a greater destiny.

• YOU are not a dis-grace! Don’t EVER let anyone else’s dis-belief dis-respect YOU.

• YOU might have to dis-sociate YOURSELF. YOU might have to be dis-creet. Oh well, … Grind, Hustle, Persevere… Let YOUR absence be YOUR dis-guise.

And keep living. Barring the criticism, beyond the critique, and beside the critics! Because life is not always going to present you a bouquet. Life might just give you the seeds. More often life will only give you the perception that there is a possibility, just not for you. So you have to make it happen and possible, for yourself. Even if life didn’t give you those seeds, you have to go get them too!
And life (people) will be “dissing”, hating, opposing, challenging, stopping, and preventing you, the entire way. But you don’t have to let it do what they intended, you can flip it on its head whenever you take charge and decide to dis-miss the negativity or the ignorance.
Because any “diss” only matters what it matters to you. And in this life, you are going to be dissed. You are going to be hurt and talked about and opposed. You are going to be tested and put to the fire.
That’s what life is. Especially a FULL life.

And YOU don’t get a dis-count!

-see

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
– @seethepoet

Mission “Aborted”… [POEM]

My city is known
for abortions
of Black Youth,
they might tell you different
but I got proof:
at least 21 attempted this weekend,
at least 3 went through
no medical card needed,
any age is approved

How are we Blaming Chief Keef
for “Indian in our family” problems
Mayor pass on responsibility,
Folks say Hoover can solve ’em
but this ain’t nothing new,
It’s a blood renaissance,
no Harlem

Chief say it’s a gun issue
but that’s not accurate
We can find the guns
Where are the advocates?

While we ignore the 70 story elephant
the propaganda is evidence
but that’s not relevant…
This ain’t about races,
It’s about location
We call it Chi-Raq,
They want their city back,
they’re impatient

They redlined the red-liners
until they had secured enough tax dollars and subsidies to grant reason and justification to plead for their safety,
Lately…
They’ve been building up barriers and buying back Bronzville, putting off projects to refurbish the projects, while pushing the problem further south,
Meanwhile,
The wild hundreds doubled,
our decimals subtracted
we aren’t supposed to remember
so we reacted…

According to plan

And meanwhile,
schools close
like soup kitchen doors
after dinner
as if hunger only takes place
between the hours they give us,
BUT,
watch what they do
with those buildings

Non-talk of the real issues
while these kids walk
in these still issued,
no matter how they help you play,
they still gym shoes
Nike made 2 billion bucks,
gave Jordan a house nigga cut,
But…

We got dem J’s tho
and can play some spades Bro
Rap used to be different,
I remember them days, Yo!

But,

They deliver abortions here
on-site services
any age group is eligible
for no reason purposes.

-see

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
@seethepoet

An open letter to the non-black guys who do “Hood Pranks”…

An open letter to the non-black guys who do “Hood Pranks”…

Stop.

Dear young ambitious soul(s)…

I saw another of your pranks today. This time you went into the hood and said, “My neighbor” but in a way that sounded like “My nigger” to elicit a reaction from the unsuspecting bystanders that you encountered.

That’s what the video was supposed to show, right?

Well I hope that it is just like most reality tv, scripted, and played out according to previously informed and made aware participants. It is my sneaky suspicion that it’s not real. I want to believe that it’s all a rouse to get attention and to play on the vulnerable funny bones of Americas willing viral audience. I hope that it’s all made up.

But it’s probably not. You are probably really doing it. And it’s not really funny.

There are quite a few reasons why these pranks are way more dangerous than they are just innocent hidden-camera stunts that are engineered to provide content and credits for your burgeoning YouTube careers. I know that the views and clicks are bringing in good revenue dollars and probably anointing those of you who do it production and creative credibility that might soon or later translate into box office credential. I get that this is probably just for your résumé. I understand that at the end of the day it is all about business and you’re in the business of funny. I get that. I hope that I get that right. I hope that this is the case and you’re not, well, you know, just trying to hurt us by showing the inevitable, one of us hurting you.

I’ll give you a few reasons why you need to stop though:

1. Saying “Nigger” is not, nor will it ever be a joke. Playing up the stereotypes or demeaning habits of niggerdom is not a funny barb either. The word “Nigga” is not acceptable. Despite what any “nigga” tells you about how they’ve made “nigga” a term of endearment or a word that has been diluted of its conceived and concentrated origin. I don’t care how comfortable it may seem that some of Black America is with the use of the word “nigga”, they are not. It is not a comfortable word. It is not a good word. That word is a business. It is a business that keeps us out of business and there is no good business in it.
The word “nigga” or “nigger” is not and has not ever been a prank. That word represents the worst of what this country has done to a people. That word represents captivity and slavery, forced labour, rape, de-masculinization, degradation, torture, fear, ignorance, insecurity, hopelessness, distress, poverty, humiliation, among other things. None of it positive though. Please don’t let these “niggas” that make a living off of the word influence you to believe that that word is by any means okay to use. IT IS NOT! It is not a word to play with.
But you already know that. One of the big problems that I have with these pranks that go along these lines is that the people like yourself pulling them know that this language is very much hot-button. That’s why you use the terms and words with the people that you do. You know that it will illicit a reaction. You know they’ll get riled up. You know they’ll be ready to fight, or even worse. And you know that it’ll be good tv. Because you know that “niggas” have always been good tv.
That is wrong. Stop.

2. “Niggas” can’t retaliate. “Niggas” can’t get reciprocity. “Niggas” can’t do the same thing. Not in a way that would be funny. Period.
If a black man went into a Jewish neighborhood or an all-white suburb or into any other ethnically centered homestead, with a hidden camera trying to pull “pranks”, guess what, he’d probably be arrested. He’d be followed. He’d be under suspicion. He might be run down and killed.
Because that’s how “niggers” get treated here.
You see how liberally and unscathed you are able to walk those streets to play these pranks on those people? Yea, they can’t do that. They can’t walk to stores to buy skittles and iced tea in their own neighborhoods without being accosted by the skeptical eyes and ambitions of an assumed watch. Some of those brothers get gunned down. They can’t even wear hoodies without being labeled suspect. Their hair has become probable cause. They can’t ride trains and cause mischief like “everyone” else without being “accidentally” killed. They can’t stroll neighborhoods without being interrogated and questioned. They can’t “play” in those other neighborhoods because they’re not wanted there. They’re not accepted there.
You know those pranks you pulled that you filmed using your cellphone? Well, a few black people have been killed for pulling those out. Or their wallets. And trespassing would probably be used as a justification defense in the event something awful did happen.

3. You are going to get hurt. Unfortunately. Because them “niggaz” don’t play.
I hope it doesn’t come to that. I really hope it doesn’t come to that. You see, Sir, you’ve got your prank tv, them “niggaz” got WorldStar. And right now, they’re looking for content. The new trend is to capture violence and the hatred and ugliness as it happens and upload it to WorldStar. Some of the pranks that you’ve pulled are justification for some of these “niggas” to do something to you and well, you know how you scream out, “It’s a prank!”, well, I hope you get to that before one of these idiots gets to screaming out, “WorldStar!”. Because that’s the cue. That is what gets the cameras to rolling. And right now them “niggers” you’re making fun of have become obsessed with finding violence funny. And even though a great number of us despise everything that WorldStar is and stands for, there is a market for it. And it is doing very well. That mRket has been doing very well.
That’s all a part of what being called a “nigger” in the first place was about. Even though they think they’ve flipped it on its head, they haven’t. They’re playing right along into the scheme of what “Nigger” was supposed to do. They are buying into the market that was created on their backs to profit off of their backs and they’ve never turned away.
And you and your pranks are products in that market.

I would love to suggest that we boycott you and your pranks but that’s not feasible. The fact is that there is a market for our pain. There is a big market for our buffoonery. There is a big market for us being taken advantage of. I’d venture to suggest that in this country, some of the biggest markets are profitable because of us being taken advantage of.

So I figured I’d bring my concern to the seller and not try to convince the buyers that they’d be better off not buying into your brand of funny.

I wish it could be all fun and games. I wish that I could watch your pranks and not cringe at the uncomfortable sense of ignorance and foolishness that I believe floats right beneath your sense of humor. I wish I could laugh without feeling this sense of being taken advantage of. I feel taken advantage of. I see my people being taken advantage of. I see unfairness. I see the lingering and residual pain of slavery and racism wrought throughout your “joke”. I see grandiose and audacity that is blatantly callous and deliberate. I see a minstrel show. I see a circus act. I see “niggers” being put on to “perform”.

The crazy thing is that every time I’ve watched one of these pranks, I’ve waited to see if one of them “niggas” gets in your ass. I’ve maniacally tuned into for a “WorldStar” moment. Like, in the one prank that was done where you walked around asking if anyone “had beef”. I just knew that would find you on the business end of a KO that would go PrimeTime. I hate to see videos like that but there is a sense of retribution in that kind of violence. There is a sense of vindication and affirmation in that kind of violence. There is a sense of pride in “protecting” your people that comes with that brut kind of violence, in this time.
And these “niggers” are hungry for it! No joke.

Mr. Prankster, there is other material out there. In your neighborhood. Why not go there? Why not make fun of how your people were oppressed or forced into sub-standard conditions and beat? Why not make a mockery of your peoples impoverished situation? Why not play games with your own ethnicity in a manner that continues to degrade and defame their intellect? Why not call your people a name that is no joke, but make a joke of it? Why not do these things at the expense of your own? Why not make a dollar from that?

Because there is no market for it, huh? I understand. Or because it’s not funny. Or because no one will watch it. Or because you know that your people won’t upload your videos to WorldStar like my people do, huh? Yea, I understand.

So let’s go play with them “niggers”.

That’s not going to be funny that much longer.

The other day I saw a YouTube video where a cage full of lions were “performing” for this circus. It was going according to the trainers, or the masters plan. And then one lion, well, that lion singled out the one trainer and well, let’s just say that the lion had enough. And some of the other lions decided that they’d had enough as well.

I don’t speak lion. But I can decipher “caged”. And what “caged” is saying is very clear.

I am afraid that some of these “lions” have had enough as well. Especially of being “niggers”, “niggaz”, or “niggas”. It’s no joke out here. They’re just about tired of being baited. They’re about tired of being made fun of. They’re tired of being treated like that.

I hope you understand their sense of humor.

Seriously,
-see
@seethepoet

F.A.R.T. Now.

So I have some advice for you…

Fart. (F.A.R.T) Fart now.

Let it go. Get it out. Don’t be ashamed. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t be unnatural! Fart!

Too many of us hold in what we have no control over. And the fact is that everyone has to deal with some type of sh*t that produces or can produce some type of festering backup of pressure that needs to be expelled.

We all have “gas”, build up and backup related to our consumption or exposure to what we intake. Gas is a natural thing. Sure it stinks, sure it is uncomfortable, but why in thee hell are you holding onto it? Why are you trying to find a secret place, an isolated place, a dark corner to run and hide to in order to release it?

Guess what? People need to know your fart! They need to know that you fart. It will help them release their own. They’ve been holding in and building up trying to be perfect around you or for you and the truth is that their just as uncomfortable as you are!

Let it go.

And laugh about it! Smile. Learn from it. It’ll teach you something. That smell will tell what’s been going on with you. That smell will indicate what you’ve been eating on. That “smell” (the effects, conversation, revelation) will bring you into reality.

And getting rid of that pressure and discomfort will allow you to FULLY engage life, actively, going forward.

So, F.A.R.T (Find A Reason To) NOW! Let it go! Let it out. Release. Free YOURSELF!

It’s time.

-see

… Oh, and spray, light an incense, burn a candle… Or open a door, crack a window. Whatever helps!

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
@seethepoet