Tag Archives: Closure

Open, for Closure…

So, for the past year I’ve been working on this book. I walked away from everything to do it. I walked away from a certain life, from a certain livelihood.

The stories, the feelings, the emotions, and all that came out of me in this process, I could never explain. It hurt to remember and to recall. It hurt to recognize that these things were my reality, were my past.

And 6 months ago (January 26) I even stopped cutting hair in order to focus on it. I did that against advice and better judgement and common sense. I did it because my heart told me to. I did it because my spirit spoke to me what my heart was saying. I did it because my mind was willing to listen to both my heart and spirit, because for so long I had fought doing such. And thus I went further into a seclusion. Further into an isolation. To get what I had been searching for all these years.

And so, in these last 6 months I have experienced the most amazing of revelation and recollection. I’ve wandered through the bowels of history and flushed out feelings and parts of me that had long been compacted and obstructive to the natural flow of me being able to live a certain freely. And in these 6 months I’ve allowed myself to just stop. I stopped trying to do “everything”. I stopped trying to “make it work”. I stopped trying to “prove myself”. I stopped holding everything in. And I began to let it all out. Even what I didn’t put to those pages, I spoke to myself. I faced my self and recognized who I was and who I had become. I faced myself as a human. I realized that I was not “the only one”, not the demon, not the monster, not the negative image that I had imagined myself to be. And I faced my hurt. I even faced those who had hurt me. I faced the largest hurts of my life and stood firm in the presence of them. And I didn’t run, like I used to. I didn’t fold, like I used to. Instead I stood there. Instead of loathing, I laughed.

And in these 6 months, things that I did not expect happened. Things like, my health improving. 15 plus years of hypertension came under control. My prescription medicine dosage was lowered. One medicine was taken away all together. I didn’t workout, in fact I had canceled my gym membership 7 months ago because I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t go to therapy or get some alternative treatment. I actually went into a much darker place. I didn’t learn a technique, breathing or meditation. Nope, none of that. I have probably been more anxious and on edge than ever because I had found myself broke, immobile, and in this spiritual sense of solitude that had alienated me from what was once, “normal” and routine.

But yet I was getting better. Healthier. Freer. I felt so much better. I stopped communicating with 95% of the people that I had been in contact with. I did that so that I was not influenced or persuaded to feel some sort of guilt or inclination towards having to do or be what I “was supposed” to. And that was hard to do because I walked away from friends, family, opportunity.

But every month I would go to the doctor and my blood pressure is lower than the month before. The doctor said to me last month, “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it. It’s working.”

And I came home that evening and thought about that and realized what I was doing. I was letting it out. I was getting rid of all of the toxic and poisonous language and mess that was in my life. That was in my heart. That was in my head. I was writing stories that I needed to tell, to myself, in order to realize that I had come through. I had long tried to dismiss and distance myself from my past. In that, I had not ever dealt with how I felt or what I felt. I had run. I had hidden. I had avoided. I had lied to myself about who and what I was, and what I had been through.

And now I was writing it. Jumping all over the place. None of these stories making sense, in terms of fitting together. But one would lead to another. That would inspire the memory of another. And before I knew it I had remembered a long forgotten history. And in the darkness I saw flickers of light that were strong enough to illuminate old hopes and dreams. I started to feel differently about so many things, and such my feelings were validated and vindicated in the knowing of my own self. Certain, because I had come to enter an awareness that I had long thought I had been separated from.

Yesterday I was walking to the store and I spoke these words…

“I’m ready to talk.”

I didn’t even try to say it. It wasn’t loud. I was by myself. There was no conversation going on around me. There was only silence.

But yet I spoke those words…

“I’m ready to talk.”

And in that same moment I realized that the book that I’d been working on was not ever meant to be for the public that I thought I was writing it for. The book was for me. It wasn’t for presentation or performance. I once believed that I was writing the book for profit and for acclaim. I was writing it because I believed it to be my purpose. It wasn’t. It’s purpose was to get me to talk. It’s purpose was to get me to feel again. It’s purpose was to get me to remember. It’s purpose was to get me open.

This morning I awoke feeling a “different” than I have ever felt before. A weirdly wonderful that seems legitimately belonging to me. I woke up today feeling that I deserve to be. What ever follows “be” is my choice. It’s my choosing.

So I choose to SPEAK.

The book that I was writing was titled: “OPEN, for CLOSURE”. It was a story of how I got to a place of being vulnerable to change. How I got to a sense of belief and faith in the power of my own self. The book talked about tragedy and loss and grief and how families and communities often fail to protect us. It was a book about redemption and justification. It was a book of remorse and regret. It was a book that detailed, in detail, some of the rawest and most terrible moments of my life. It was a comeback story. The book was not an “I win” in the end story. The book was how it is to not win but to still have hope for victory. The book was a question, a question of what if the “good” never comes. What if the answer never is. What if the problem is never solved. What if “closure” never happens.

The book was about my life. It was about my story. And today I realized that I’d rather live it. I’ll write that book one day, a while from now. It will be a part of a different book. It will make much more sense for others at they time. But in this moment, writing it did what it was supposed to do, for me. It got me where it was supposed to get me, open.

Because I am “open, for closure” and such I have it. I am open to the idea and the opportunity. I’m open to the notion. I get it now.

I’ll start putting what I’ve written thus far on my blog. The book is better as a discussion. I’m going to be able to discuss it there.

At about 3 o’clock this morning I looked at the date:
July 23, 2014

8 years ago today, July 23, 2006, The Messengers reality show began to air. That show, and me publicly sharing parts of my life for a television audience, began this healing process. There were events and occurrences that happened during my experience with that show that started this process. I began to heal then. It’s taken 8 years. I hadn’t even thought about it, the show, in a long while. But when I thought about the day, this morning, I started to remember things that begun this journey. And it makes sense. To me, at least.

And I’m okay. I made it. I’m ready to talk. I’m open. I’m open for closure.

Closure. A resolution.

CLOSURE and RESOLUTION are two very different things;
YOU may never get resolution in or on certain matters because resolution most often requires someone else to take responsibility for whatever it is that has left YOU open, hurt, broken, or taken advantage of and more than likely that person or those people are not likely to adjust or amend how they operate or have operated, what they did or are doing because how they have been or are operating is due to who they were or are and not who YOU are or were to them.
Closure, on the other hand, requires that YOU take advantage of YOUR brokenness or pain by being open to the healing effects of faith, hope, belief, trust, and time in order to begin to operate outside and beyond the horrors of hell that YOU may have been put in or through despite the facts and truths of how much had or has happened. Resolution normally holds someone else accountable while closure makes account for YOU!
Resolution, to our normal idea and practice, aligns with the mitigating factors and realities of justice, vengeance, retaliation and/or retribution. Closure realigns YOU and constitutes YOU a factor in spite of the presence of reciprocity or responsibility of other parties. Resolution makes YOU a part of whatever conclusion justifies your satisfaction in seeing them “pay” for what they have done, closure sets YOU apart from what they have done. Resolution is a reminder, closure is a release.
Most times we confuse the two, closure and resolution, or we combine them unknowingly as we seek to redeem or rehabilitate ourselves, our feelings, our dreams, our trusts, our families, our hearts, and our pasts and they are not always synonymous. As we seek healthy interaction and inclusion we often measure our progress based on the amount of “justice” that has been served or the “karma” or “payback” that has availed itself unto the person or people that so harmed us and by virtue of being able to appreciate that they have or are suffering some consequence or constraint gives us a sense of confidence in not being singled out or severed by their act or actions, instead we are led to believe that our closure is contingent upon the opening of their wound or the eruption or corruption of their world as was or is ours. And often, if we have not dealt with “closure” properly, aside from resolution or the idea of resolution, to see a person suffer does nothing to or for us. It instead leaves gaping holes and questions, surmounted by immeasurable pain and prolonged devastation and chaos., it only facilitates the perpetuation of habits and histories of tradition that become ingrained into the system of our lives and livelihoods and is soon a part of our individual and immediate culture. It sets up the premise and personification of generational and bloodline curses and habits, it forms the negative identities that become our reputation and resolve as well as our reflex and response to ourselves and others. Unresolved issues promote unimaginable, unbelievable, and unthinkable ways and means of survival that most often are generated out of desperation and a dire need to gather attention in some fashion as a way of being able to feel existence as because most tragedy and trial done to or involving us leaves us feeling alienated and/or unknown. We then become offensive defenses that are hypersensitive to the chance of being hurt and so to eliminate that variable we become the arbitrator and administer of the pain, or the punishment. We do unto others before they can do to us.
That is what happens when things are unresolved and when we depend on resolution as our closure. This is the cycle and circle of mediocrity that seasonally plays out in our lives and in our interactions and becomes the way that we relate in our relationships, friendships, and acquaintances. This is what happens when we rely on a system or the system of authority or the system that we are or have/had been part of to mandate and manage itself to our safety, security, and significance. That system being government or grandma. The law or our loved ones. Whatever “system” it is that should, or should have, protected us, that should have shown care and consideration towards our “best” interest, that should have defined its success and survival on the premise and platform of those that it is charged to be responsible for. Quite often that system, government or grandma, fails us. Even being all that we may know as love, support, foundation, integrity, character, morality, family, value, inspiration, motivation, habit, choice, everything and anything that has to do with everything or anything, these systems fail us and our idea of success is to operate and succeed in these systems, to the degree of difficulty known to be overcome by those before us have that been able to survive it. So then we are resolute in the resolve that when these systems “fail” us we must obtain closure in order to function aside of the disappointment and devastation and that closure, as I mentioned earlier, is to be due to what we can get “resolved”, whatever “resolution” that satisfies our appetite or thirst for being equal, being deemed “justified”, being seen as matter. And it, this idea, feeds on itself as a nutrition, and that is most dangerous and unhealthy. YOU become what has been done to YOU and you feed from that and thus become more of it. As the saying goes, “Hurt people HURT people”.
Or YOU get closure.
And closure is simple.
Closure is believing that nothing or no matter what has happened, YOU still have to keep going. Closure doesn’t mean that YOU have to or are going to forget the past, nor does it mean that YOU won’t run into “it” along the way but closure means that YOU won’t continue to be vulnerable to it as YOU had or have been. Closure means that YOU allow YOURSELF to breathe and to rest and to grow above and beyond whatever circumstance or situation, instance or individual, that YOU encountered along the way that seemed to have happened to distract, destroy, or distance YOU from YOUR destiny. Closure is YOU being able to tell YOUR truth with the facts that are YOURS to tell in order to expose YOU to the benefit of being able to have overcome the trials, troubles, and tragedies of YOUR past. Closure is knowing that things happen, life happens, to everyone, anyone that is living and the fact that YOU are still living gives YOU a chance to live more life, alive, in the face of adversity and on the heel of a history that may have not been so much so to the expectation and desire of YOUR plan. But closure is a chance to try again. Closure is a guarantee that YOU won’t be hurt like “that” before and YOU won’t respond like “that” again. Closure is YOUR safety, security, and significance. Closure is YOU taking the power away from who or whatever hurt YOU and instead empowering YOURSELF to move on, up, and over into better days. Closure is YOUR resolution. Closure doesn’t mean that “justice” doesn’t need to be served, it means that a need for justice won’t define nor deny YOU going forward. Closure will open YOU up to new opportunities and new people that YOU will make YOURSELF available to and YOU will benefit from because of whatever YOU had been through, whatever YOUR story is. Closure doesn’t take away the pain, it shows YOU that YOU are able to progress through it. Closure shows that YOU can be vulnerable and feel and TRUST and believe and have faith and LOVE and that YOU CAN AND WILL DO THESE THINGS AGAIN! Closure is YOUR rest assurance that YOU are free from the binding ties and turbulences that had marred or marked YOUR path before this point and are now just place-markers, reference points, along the way of YOUR journey to remind YOU of what YOU can and have accomplished. Closure is a success in and of itself and though it does not guarantee that things will always work out YOUR way, it shows YOU what YOU are able to work YOUR way out of! Closure eliminates a lot of the hard work that comes with having to deal with people or be dealt with by them.
YOUR resolution should be closure. Maybe they get what they deserve, maybe they don’t. YOU don’t deserve to suffer because of it.

-see

©2013 Cornelious “See” Flowers