Category Archives: Inspiration

What are you waiting to DO?

You can want for it to happen.

You can wish for it to happen.

You can wait for it to happen.

Or you can make it happen.

And that, quite simply, is the difference between those who do, and those who don’t. That is quite often, most of the time, what really determines whether someone or some thing is a failure or a success.

Those that did it, or are doing it… DID IT. Or are DOING IT!

Those that “have it”, that’s how they got it: They did it. They didn’t wait. They didn’t ask for permission. They didn’t count all of the reasons that it might not work. They didn’t consider how unqualified or unconventional they are, relative to how things are “supposed” to be, or go. They don’t worry about all of the details.

They decide. Then they DO.

And they did it. They did what it took. They showed up. They made the choice. They made the sacrifice. They made the change. They had the discipline. They meant what they said.

They did what they said.

You’ve been thinking too much. Way too much planning and strategizing. Way too much consideration towards what may or may not happen.

Too much worry.

Too much concern.

Too much thinking.

Too much talking.

Too much self-doubt.

Too much procrastination.

Too much hesitation.

Not enough “JUST DO THE SHIT”.

Not enough recognition of the fact that you only get one life in this realm. You’ve been told the way things are “supposed” to go. You’ve been shown that this is the way that things have “always” been. You’ve accepted the status quo’s, the stereotypes, and the situations.

What if that’s just what they, whoeverthefvck “they” is, wants you to believe?

While “they” experiment, explore, and express themselves according to the truly “right” way to do this… by JUST DOING IT!

Stop waiting for someone to “give” you a chance.

Take your chance!

Stop hoping that someone gives you an opportunity.

Create your opportunity.

Stop accepting that it’s just not your turn.

Know that it’s YOUR turn…

To build that brand. To buy that house. To have that career. To visit that place. To live in that country. To own that land. To write that book. To open that restaurant. To create that market. To experience that peace. To know your identity. To repair those traumas. To connect with those people. To be that parent. To have those relationships. To make that much money. To be that person. To live that life. To experience that joy. To embrace that love. To know what it is to be healed, whole, and free. To be SAFE, SECURE, and SIGNIFICANT. To have that fun. To earn that living. To be that consistent. To be that dependable. To be that connected. To be the owner. To be the leader. To be the example.

To do it!

Listen up…

There are a lot of ways to do it. Whatever it is. But the ONLY way that it’ll ever get done is if someone does it.

You should be that somebody.

You should start right now.

What are you going to DO?

-see

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Thought for the Moment 11/28/22

It’s your turn, right now.

It’s not their time.

That’s what’s stopping you. That’s why you seem to be stagnate and in the same spot. That’s why it feels like you’re not growing, not moving, not going anywhere. Not getting what you, and the work you’ve done thus far, should.

Because you’re holding on to some people, and places, that can’t go with you. Not now. They’re not ready for the blessing, the opportunity, the promotion, the progress, the success, the greatness, that is ready for you, right now.

But you want them there. And you’re sacrificing your opportunity and chance to try to get them to where YOU believe they can, should, or deserve, to be. So you pull and push where you shouldn’t have to. You promote and promise where you shouldn’t need to. You play or pause out of sync with the rhythm and frequency that is naturally vibrating for you, in order to attempt to get them in tune, in step, aligned, and in accord with what is jamming for you.

So nothing is happening.

You may or may not believe in God. You may believe in happenstance and evolution. So you may not see this next idea the way I’m going to put it, but I hope you can rationalize within whatever your belief system is, in order to process this next point…

You’re up next for a blessing. An AMAZING opportunity and chance is waiting to blow your absolute mind! There is a light, so big, ready to shine on you and your story. There are resources and networks and possibilities specifically assigned to bring true the BIGGEST of your dreams, wishes, plans, goals, and aspirations.

God has a plan FOR YOU.

But you’ve locked elbows, fingers, and legs with some folks that God has not prepared yet. You’re holding on to some folks that God can’t use right now. You’re trying to bring with you some folks that God needs to stay where they are. They still have to go through some things that God has already gotten you through.

You believe they deserve better. You think they should be further along. You want them to experience a different level.

That’s not where they are. There are some things that you don’t know. There’s some exposure that you can’t afford. There’s some risk and issues that you’re not prepared to deal with. Not with the responsibility that is coming your way. Not with the lives you’re about to be in charge of inspiring, empowering, and exampling. Not with the time you’re going to have to invest into this next season.

That light that God has designed for you is BIG, and BRIGHT. It’s remarkable. It is FOR YOU. It just requires that YOU be set apart. You’re going to have to go this part alone. Those people that you’re holding on to, aren’t equipped for this journey. This is YOUR moment! It’s YOUR time.

You’re not letting go. God can’t use you like that. God needs you to know when to let go.

There are some people in the new room that are expecting ONLY YOU. They have an assignment to do something special and specific for ONLY YOU. They have a spot available, a seat ready, a job, a role, a budget, a stage, waiting for YOU.

But they can’t see you right now. Your space is crowded. You’re bringing baggage when the plan was for you to come empty. So that God can show you how God blesses.

You’re in YOUR way!

That dream. That idea. That feeling. That prophetic word. That potential. That story. That imagination. That plan… ALL of it can come to BE. You just have to be ready and willing, to do what it takes.

The discipline.

The determination.

The desire.

The dedication.

The decision.

This is on YOU. This is your choice. This is YOUR life.

YOU have to DO this.

DO IT.

-see

SEE the Poet

Thought for the Moment 11/25/22

You could have quit. You could have left. You could have argued your point, some more. You could have reacted differently. You could have been more understanding. More forgiving. More blind. More stupid. More in denial.

You could have fought “fire” with “fire”.

You could have been the same disrespectful. You could have done the same hurt. Told the same lies. Played the same games. Embarrassed them the same way. Made them look the same kind of fool. And worse.

But you didn’t do any of that.

You just stayed until you were READY to go.

You stayed until you had all the information your heart needed to be all the way broken. Irreparable for them. You stayed until your mind was all the way made up. Inaccessible to their manipulation. You stayed until your eyes saw fully and clear a truth that you have long been in denial about. Impossible to deny.

You stayed until all of the tears were cried. All the tears of forgiveness and pity and compassion and stupidity. All the tears of a particular hurt, a specific pain, a distinct timeline of events. A personal and private, maybe even secret, history of words and ways that you’ve had to suffer through.

With your chin up. Your head high. Your game face on. Your pride and potential being trampled and tried beyond abuse. Your name being distorted and dirtied against your dignity.

While simultaneously being the butt of the jokes. Being the words under the whispers. Being the destination of the pointed fingers.

You’ve been that.

And you still tried. Tried to reduce yourself to whatever amount of flexible you hoped would be enough for them to see that you’d do whatever. See that you’ve done whatever. See that you’ve let the unimaginable go. That you’ve stayed through the most horrible and hurtful of offenses. See that you’ve still cared. Stayed while being uncared for. Stayed while being uncared about. Stayed while being left, and ignored, and unconsidered, and dismissed, and denied.

You stayed the whole time. Present and aware. Trying to fix a broken that you had nothing to do with. Attempting to cover a hole much bigger than you were ever capable of. Trying to change a long made up mind.

Because you had hope. And of course love. And fear. Your fear was that deep inside they were feeling a pain that only you recognized. A pain that you had identified, and that your love, your trust, your understanding, your support, your dedication, your determination, and of course, your denial, could fix.

And you tried.

Until you couldn’t try anymore.

Until you couldn’t do anymore.

Until you couldn’t stay any longer.

You didn’t quit. You’re not wrong. This is not on you. There is no blame.

It’s okay to leave.

Surprise, you’re crying again.

But, it’s good to cry these tears. Tears of joy. That all of that didn’t break you. That all of that didn’t destroy you. That all of that didn’t end you. It’s okay to cry these tears. These are tears of profound revelation and respect, for yourself. It’s okay to cry now. Now that you know better. These are tears that will wash away the spit on your face.

Let these tears wash away the caked up disrespect and disregard. Let them dilute the concentration of hate and hurt that had long been aimed and assaulted upon you. Let these tears clear the blockage(s) that you had to create to protect yourself, to shield you from being so vulnerable. Over time you developed a hardened layer of emotion that allowed you to put up with more, for far less reasons or benefits than you did before.

Cry these tears.

These are tears of freedom.

These tears are going to heal you.

You used to think that because you were crying you were still in love. Or that you still cared. Or that you still wanted to be there.

That’s not what these tears mean.

These tears mean that you are still human. You still have feelings. There is still room to grow. And be better. And that you have the capacity to try, again.

Someone else.

Somewhere else.

Something else.

After you take care of you.

It’s time to take care of you.

-see

@seethepoet

Thought for the Moment 11/26/22

There is a difference between “letting them go” and “letting go of them”.

Some people, and challenges, obstacles, situations, and of the like, are in your life consistently and constantly because you keep them there. They’ve been trying to leave you. They’ve steadily shown you that you are not a priority, or consideration, or primary concern.

But you feel differently.

You have a different desire. And so you’ve maintained the mediocrity. You’ve kept the relationship and routine going. You’ve chosen to put up with being put last. Or put down. Or put away.

You’ve put everything but you where you’re supposed to be.

Letting them go is not always enough! You have to let go of them. Let go of the idea that you have of who they should, or could, or would be, if not for (insert whatever excuse and reason you might contrive to justify your perpetual support of the foolishness). You have to admit the obvious. Stop pretending that “what it is” is not what it is. Let go of the desire or demand for respect, responsibility, reciprocity. Let go of the want for redemption. Let go of the anticipated idea of regret that you might suffer once it ends. Stop doing that to yourself!

Let go of them. Release the hold that you have on that idea of what might happen if it ends now. Let go of the feeling that you’re owed the realization and materialization of their potential. If they turn out to be who you always knew they could be, with someone else, somewhere else, be okay with that. They were never going to be that person with you. Or for you. Even if they ultimately become that person BECAUSE of you.

Just let go.

Your holding on to something or someone for the sake of pride or guilt or fear or ego or unrequited love or image or perception or expectation or trauma or insecurity or tradition or comfort… is unhealthy. It is not stable. It rarely, if ever, matures into anything other than mess.

Especially when they would have been gone if it was up to them.

But you’ve kept fighting for it, for them.

Fighting every battle but the one most important.

The one for you.

It’s time to fight for you.

-see

@seethepoet

Today’s -see

Per my Bearthday:

I appreciate every text, call, post, thought, and feeling towards me for my Bearthday. I absolutely appreciate it. Forgive me for not responding to anyone, or not answering, or not returning any message, voicemail, or text. I wasn’t ignoring anyone. I worked most of my bearthday and the remainder of the day- and since- I spent gifting myself time to write this. Because it is time for my present.

Thank you!

—-

(From Wikipedia)

“In analytical psychology, the shadow (also known as ego-dystonic complex, repressed id, shadow aspect, or shadow archetype) is an unconscious aspect of the personality that does not correspond with the ego ideal, leading the ego to resist and project the shadow. In short, the shadow is the self’s emotional blind spot, projected (as archetypes—or, metaphoral sense-image complexes, personified within the collective unconscious); e.g., trickster.

…Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of one’s personality, the shadow is perceived to be largely negative. There are, however, positive aspects that may also remain hidden in one’s shadow (especially in people with low self-esteem, anxieties, and false beliefs).

The shadow personifies everything that the subject refuses to acknowledge about himself”  and represents “a tight passage, a narrow door, whose painful constriction no one is spared who goes down to the deep well.”
[If and when] an individual makes an attempt to see his shadow, he becomes aware of (and often ashamed of) those qualities and impulses he denies in himself but can plainly see in others—such things as egotism, mental laziness, and sloppiness; unreal fantasies, schemes, and plots; carelessness and cowardice; inordinate love of money and possessions. 
The dissolution of the persona and the launch of the individuation process also brings with it “the danger of falling victim to the shadow … the black shadow which everybody carries with him, the inferior and therefore hidden aspect of the personality” resulting in a merger with the shadow.”

-Wikipedia (Shadow/ Shadow work definition)

—-

Happy Bearthday to ME!
Happy Bearthday to ME!
Happy Bearthday to MEEEEEEE,
Happy Bearthday to ME!

It is my BEARTHDAY!!! And this year I’m going to CELEBRATE!

The description (of Shadow Work) above came from Wikipedia. I looked up the word or concept of “Shadow Work” in order to provide a definition for context as I set out to write what I’m writing today. I was hoping to find a clear and concise explanation that would give anyone unfamiliar with the theory an opportunity to clearly see what I’m talking about. Because I hope that what I am about to express is able to benefit someone. My real hope is that someone, much younger than I, is able to contemplate and configure this information while they are younger. And maybe they’ll achieve the peace and understanding that I am certain of, much sooner in their life. It’d be a real blessing and accomplishment if my son, my bonus boys, my friends and family get it. For, what good is the riches of consciousness and elevation if my immediate influence is not recognized and respected by those closet to me?

Yet, if anyone gets an opportunity to “overcome” as a response to what I share, I am grateful. Whomever this helps. I am pleased to say that the most important thing to me is that I’ve been helped by it. I believe tremendously so. In a way I’m not proficient enough in my words to even say. But I’m about to try…

—-

“A Winner, trying not to.”

Part, Stupid.

About a year ago, I announced that I was starting a podcast. To much fanfare and support, actually. I got a great response. I had a great concept. A terrific name. It sounded like an amazing idea. I was ready to do it.

I inquired of how to put together the setup that I wanted. I knew that I could just start with a phone and the internet, but I wanted to begin with something much more elaborate and established. So I priced the equipment that some “experts” had referred me to. I did a lot of research on what was a solid setup. I came up with a package that I was comfortable with.

As I began to figure out what I wanted and what I wanted to do, I decided that I would reach out and see if I could get some help financing my equipment. Because I’ve seen “support” for some of the weirdest and wildest ideas, I thought to myself that I should be able to garner interest and support for what I know is a phenomenal idea. I know that my podcast is going to change and transform lives. My story alone is going to break generational boundaries and blockages. I’m going to help some folks! And I know this. I knew this when the idea came into my spirit. I was excited that I’d been given my next move. I hoped that I was going to get immediate and overwhelming “support”. My concept is brilliant and I see the possibilities. The few people that I explained the premise to have all been extremely positive about how “well” this move could be. It looked like I was, as my Dad would say, cooking with grease!

I sent out a message for that “support”, asking a few people to donate to my cause. Because I had a number that would purchase the equipment and help me get the ball rolling.

::crickets::

I sent out another message, to a different batch of “supporters”.

::dead crickets::

No bullshit. And I expected that, for some reason. I had a couple folks say that they had my back and wanted to assist me, but couldn’t at the time.

::mummified crickets::

But anyway, “all” things work to the good.

—-

For a very long time I’ve been on this “journey”. This road to figuring shit out. This path of identity and definition and revelation and meaning and purpose. I’ve been at it for so long. I’ve gained a ton of experience and expertise in the journey. I know how to endure. I know how to wait. I know how to suffer. I have the patience of a rock! I’ve been at the “process” for so long, I should have an honorary PHD in the science and strategy of successful attempts at taking the long way to where you should be, lol.

No, for real. That shit is a laughing matter. That’s all you can do is laugh. Not to keep from crying either. But in appreciation for the moment. This kind of laughter is the best indication of you realizing your smallness in the greatness of God’s idea. My laughter is how I know the Universe, God, the spiritual realm, really rock with me. This particular laugh that will belt out of my soul at the most precarious of times is and has always been my confirmation of sorts. It comes packaged with a certain awareness and revelation. Every time this laugh has come out, it comes with this instant recognition of some mind-blowing presence of consciousness.

Saturday, October 1st, was no different. I was in the shower at 5:30 in the morning. Getting ready to go to work. I had slept well, for about 6 hours. I was rested and ready to get the day started. My first client was at 6am, double-strand twists. His brother was my next client and my following client after that was at 8, and a full day after. I was in the shower thinking about how fast I could get through the twists and get the day to run seamlessly, as possible.

Then I started laughing.

And as soon as the first chuckle chucked up through my throat, I knew why I was laughing.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!”

That’s what I said to myself. As I am smiling and snickering. Trying not to be too loud. It’s 5:30 in the morning and it would be rude to awake the house with my jovial banter of self-talk. Because that’s what I started doing, having this conversation with myself. While I’m laughing, in between the jeers, I’m speaking to myself…

“All of this time, that’s what it’s been about!”

“… Thats why you feel like you deserve less-than. That’s what you’re ashamed of. That’s what you feel guilty for. That’s why you accept mediocrity and lack and the point of you feeling guilt the way you do.”

I laughed some more.

“… You disappointed her. She asked you to do one thing. And you said NO! You let her down. You should have been there. She’s dead because of you.”

I laughed a little louder.

Then, quiet. All I heard was the water. I stood there. It was dark in the bathroom. I don’t usually turn the lights on when I shower. It’s my place of meditation and conference. In the moment I felt so powerless to controlling my power. I realized in that moment, my power. I have power. I have the power.

—-

March 25, 1994, 7:00pm, I was walking out of the door to leave my Mom for the weekend, going to my Dad’s house. As was the routine, for my siblings and I.

My Dad was parked in the driveway, waiting for us to come out. My Mother stood on the porch to see us off. As I passed by, she stopped me:

My Mom- “Corey, don’t you want to stay home with me this weekend?”

Me- “No. I’m always with you. I’m going to Rock’s house.”

And I walked past her, down the front steps, and into the car.

I never saw my mother alive again. I never spoke with my mother again. She was murdered the following day. In our home. In her bed. And I discovered her body 2 days later, Monday, March 28, 1994.

—-

As I stood there in the shower, in the quiet, in the loudness of the water echoing down the drain, I started to smile. Then more laughter. I might have teared up. Or maybe it was the mist and the hot of the shower that prompted my eyes to sweat but I could feel the break of the bough. The branch that has connected me to the pestilence of an impoverished place. The reason for this space I’ve occupied for such a time.

More laughter.

Then smiling.

I got out of the shower, dressed, kissed my wife and left for work.

I arrived at the shop a few seconds before my clients and I walked in before them. I began to open up while simultaneously thinking about the events that had taken place in the shower. After I’d turned the lights on and prepared my tools to begin the twists, the young man was walking through the door.

“Wait. What?”

The first thing I noticed was that he had no hair. Not bald, just a very low haircut. Not anything long enough to get the twists hairstyle that he’d gotten about a year ago. When his grandfather had called to make the appointment, I’d forgotten that I’d cut his hair down a couple months back. I wasn’t even thinking about it. So I expressed to him and his grandpa, who was now in the room, that we wouldn’t be able to achieve that service on this day. He understood- they both understood- and he came and sat in the chair to get a taper/lining while he grows his hair back.

But, now I’m here an extra hour or so more than I need to be for these 2 haircuts. I’m immediately pondering the purpose of this scheduling mixup. Because- those that know me, know- I’m always “connecting dots” for the spiritual meaning of everything!

Just then I had this feeling that I was here on this morning, this early, to deliver a message. Or at least I thought that, in the moment. Why else would I have forgotten that I’d cut all that young man’s hair off and that he couldn’t get twists that day, but for the opportunity to have a conversation with these two young men? Because they’d recently lost their Mom, to cancer. And I’d been thinking about them and feeling that I should reach out to talk about their grieving process. I know what it’s like to lose your Mom at that age. I know what it’s like to experience that disruption and the devastation that comes along with it. I know the man that their mother had in her life as a partner. He’s a good friend of mine. He is not their biological father but he had accepted them and they he. He and their mom were engaged to be married. He is still in their lives. I admire his integrity and character as it relates to how he’s handling that part. But I know- all too well- how traumatic and complicated this type of situation is for those young men.

And maybe I’m here this morning to speak a few words of encouragement into them. To offer some support, and another ear to hear their voices. To supply them with the resource of my experience and the information I have from having been dealt a similar blow.

Or so I thought.

I contemplated how I should start the conversation. Should I just dive right in? Should I ask if it was okay to talk about the loss? Should I wait until I feel like the moment is “right”?

“How are you feeling young man?” I asked as I placed the cape around him.

“Oh, we’re doing fine, See.” came from across the room. His grandfather interceded the conversation and answered me. I looked over in his direction and smiled to myself, thinking that he’d just interrupted my moment. I wasn’t even talking to him! Danggit!

I waited about 3 minutes into cutting and I decided that it was time to ask again…

“How’ve you been feeling?”, I said, with my hand on the young man’s shoulder so that he knew that I was talking to him. And I lowered my voice a little bit more this time. Maybe I’d spoken aloud and Preston, that’s their grandfather’s name, had heard me and assumed that I was speaking to him.

“We are well, See. How are you doing?” Preston belted out this time.

I smiled. A little laugh creased out the side of my grin. I now knew this was the reason that I was here this morning. To speak with him. I just knew it. I felt it. I laughed a little more.

“This part of my life, this part of my life is going to be called “Stupid”.

Preston laughed as I said that. Then he responded, “… We all have a time in our lives that could be defined by some of the stupid that we do. I’ve had some stupid moments in my life too.”

We both laughed a little.

Then there was a brief silence, as I gathered myself to say what I was about to say. I wanted to squeeze the previous 28 years of “duh” into just a minute or so of dialogue. I wanted to express my profound gratitude and glee at what I’d realized in the shower a short while before we found ourselves here.

And just then I realized the opportunity to have that conversation and speak to the boys. I got it!

“… I lost my Mom when I was 15. She was murdered. I discovered her body in her bedroom in March of 1994…”

Preston gasped. “Oh man, sorry to hear that.”

“… Yea, thank you”, I continued, “… It has been a long and difficult road since then. I’ve gone through just a ridiculous amount of suffering and frustration all this time. The grieving process just seemed to drag out for these past-almost- 30 years. I’ve been depressed and stressed and hurt and down and inconsistent. And all this time I thought that I was feeling that because of her death.”

“That is understandable”, Preston said.

“But it was none of that. That’s why this part of my life is called “Stupid”. Because I realized this morning, what all of this time, all of these years, what I’d really been hurt about.”

Preston looked over my way. Ready to hear what I was about to announce.

“… The last thing my Mother ever said to me was her asking me to stay home with her for the weekend. And I didn’t. I left. I didn’t stay with her and because of me not doing what she asked, not honoring her request, she was murdered. Murdered because I disappointed her. Dead, because I wanted to ‘live my life’.”

I paused.

“… I realized that is why I walk away from blessings. Why I turn down opportunities. Why I allow myself to be hurt or have the harm of hell happen to me. That’s why I don’t feel right walking in my power, enjoying myself, having fun, smiling, taking advantage of my gifts and talents, or the opportunities that come for me. This is why I abandon relationships or expect abandonment and pain and trouble and dysfunction. Because I felt like I deserved that. All she wanted was for me to stay with her that weekend. And if I would have, things would be different. Because I let her down.”

The next 2 hours were magical. Preston and I talked about so many things. The most profound of them being the common and repeated tragedies within the black family. The secrets and the skeletons that keep us mired in shame, guilt, and the poverty of lack. Preston is probably twenty years+ my senior and he shared stories of his life that were fantastically similar to my own experience. Talking with him came with a brilliantly cloaked awareness and satisfaction with what has been this long route I’ve taken to this point. I’d been comfortable with the scantly clad outfit that unknowingness and silence wore on me. I thought it fit. I accepted that it was what had been destined or meant, purposed for my life. At least my life post March 25, 1994.

Just, stupid.

—-

I started doing “shadow work” a couple of years ago. Well, I guess I’ve been doing shadow work for the past 12 years. Ultimately that was the reason I moved back to Chicago. I came home to get some peace and resolve, some information. I wanted clarity and closure. As much as I could possibly get, given the limited access that I had to details that I’d discovered over time. I’d been trying to deal the best way I knew how for a very long time. The problem was that it wasn’t the best way available, only the best way I knew. And I didn’t know much. Just thought I did.

Eventually I’d exhaust so many of the defense mechanisms and measures that my natural inclination had come to rely on. And time did what time does. Time forgets itself. Time forgets anything that is not a now. Time callouses the soft edges of innocence into the rigid realities of what has become of us. All that is left then are the scars of happened and hurt. In time, that’s what I’d become: One big heap of what happens when you’re hurt.

Now, there are soooooo many things that have gone wrong in my life. So much that I’ve done wrong. I’ve absolutely hurt, caused pain, lied, manipulated, stolen, hidden, misled, avoided, deceived, and disappointed. Sometimes beyond repair. I’d love to acknowledge just how sincere I am in saying that I have never intended to hurt anyone, but I accept full responsibility in the truth that what I intended is insignificant. What I did is what I did. Who I hurt is who I hurt. The pain that I’ve caused is pain, nonetheless and regardless if I can justify my actions. And who am I to attempt to minimize the magnitude of what my actions may have been to someone else?

I beat myself up EVERYDAY for contemplating that I could.

How stupid.

I’m learning all of these psychoanalytic terms and theories lately. Concurrently blazing this trail of ascension and growth out of the old version of me. In this very moment I’m learning that much of what I’ve experienced is absolutely normal for humans. That’s the message that I got out of my conversation with Preston. That we are all flawed and fucked up in some sort of way. We all make mistakes. We all let people down. We all fall short of some expectation. We all mess up. We all go through some shit.

A good friend of mine, Mr. Marvin, once told me, “See, we all have a little red wagon we’re toting along behind us. You never know what the next man is carrying in his”.

My wagon has been filled with trial and tribulation. Destruction, dysfunction, and detriment. Pain and procrastination. Anger. Shame. Guilt.

I’ve been pulling that shit along with me for as long as I can fathom.

The thing is that I’ve been obsessed with feeling that I was supposed to have this lot. Not because of any plausible theory and set of circumstances that could legitimately prove responsible for my disposition, but more of an idea that I didn’t have a choice. I had come to believe that my purpose was to be this “strong” person that patiently dealt with whatever the ugly of this life did to me. “Did to me”. I didn’t see it any other way than that I was on the defensive. Life happens to me. It’s been happening all this time. I have to deal with it. Helplessly.

“Toxic Shame”

Ever heard of “Toxic Shame”? Well, I’d never. Just like I’d never heard or properly understood the terms encapsulating conditions like Arrested Development, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Acute Stress Disorder (ASD), Secondhand TraumaReactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder (DSED), or other Adjustment Disorders, and etc.

I’d never had counseling or therapy services either. I was always told that I was “such a strong young man”. Everyone always commends or comments about how proud they are of me and the way I handled myself. I bought into that. Years later I appreciate that most of that came from a place of distancing. Those people, most of them, said those things to channel the responsibility away from their own lackluster and futile efforts to provide or produce any help in my situation. And that is just the truth. I’ve written about a lot of that before. This isn’t the time to go in greater detail. This is about my own accountability. My own bout with the demons I know.

And back to Toxic Shame.

So let me see if I can gather a good explanation of “Toxic Shame”…

—-

(From WebMD)

Toxic shame is a feeling that you’re worthless. It happens when other people treat you poorly and you turn that treatment into a belief about yourself. You’re most vulnerable to this type of poor treatment during childhood or as a teen. When you feel toxic shame, you see yourself as useless or, at best, not as good as others. 

What’s the Difference Between Shame and Guilt?
These two emotions are often confused with one another. You feel guilt when you know that you did something wrong. It can be a helpful emotion when maintaining relationships. Guilt can keep you on track when you’ve drifted from your moral standards.

But you feel shame when you believe you’re not enough, usually because parents or peers keep telling you so. Your confidence suffers from this deep-seated emotion that affects the way you see yourself. 
Guilt tells you, “That thing you did was wrong.” Shame tells you, “Because you did that thing, you’re a bad person.”

—-

I found quite a few definitions of Toxic Shame. That one added a little more context in regards to “guilt”. For me, shame and guilt have been synonymous. Not even sure- before seeing the definitions- if I’d ever differentiated the two. Reading the above excerpt summarized or solidified my idea of why they were the same in my purview.

I’m new at this place. This place I’m coming to find as being healed, being free, being okay. Being selfish for the sake of prioritizing my own needs and wants. I’ve been selfish before, it’s just usually me being selfish to one person or thing for the sake of another person or thing. Not for myself. There is a BIG difference. It makes a difference.

—-

Time-Out!!!!!

I have to pause for a second. I just received a text message containing a link to join a livestream for a church service.

I did.

At first I kept writing while listening. Then I stopped writing and gave the service all of my attention.

And I almost deleted this entire message.

Then I realized that herein lies the problem. You know what, I won’t speak for anyone else. I’ll speak for me…

One of the MAIN reasons that I am just now, at 44, seeing this process through is because the prevailing message that I’ve heard over the last 28+ years had been that I should LET IT GO!

Move on.
Leave it alone.
Don’t worry about it.
Put “that” behind you.
Start over.

That’s what I’ve been told, relentlessly. Religiously. And I believed it. So every journey that I began towards resolution was upended by the decision to let it go. Because, what good was I doing to bring up the past? How much more pain could I possibly inflict in the lives of others by bringing up these truths? How necessary was it for me to get “closure” at the expense of opening wounds and digging up buried secrets?

I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I was causing “trouble” with my insistent pleas for acknowledgment and answers regarding some of the things that I’ve been dealing with.

Mmmmmh, Mmmmmh, Mmmmmh.

I almost fell for it a few minutes ago. The sermon that is being preached is about “letting go”. And to that messages’ credit, yes, letting some things go is a pivotal step in the process of moving forward. But it is most often not, and shouldn’t be, the solution to real problems.

Some shit has to be acknowledged. Recognized. Discussed. Accepted. Dealt with. Resolved. Some shit has to be explained. Or an attempt made to get an explanation. Communicated. You don’t just “get over” real trauma! What you do is pretend to get over it. But it hurts you. It harms you. It haunts you. And it affects everything that has to deal with you.

Stupid-Ass.

The short of this long story:

Stress is a killer. “Letting go” is stressful. Deal with that shit. (Note to Self). Trying to accept “No” as the answer when you are not prepared to respect or respond to what “No” means for you can be a big(ger) problem.
And don’t assume “No”. Make them tell you “No”. Assuming a “No” because someone is avoiding dealing doesn’t always mean “No”. Sometimes it just means that we don’t know how to confront or communicate ourselves through.

That’s another talk. I have to get back to why I’m here at this moment.

—-

There are so many layers to this.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since the shower moment, and the conversation with Preston. I’ve been stealing opportunities to write this every day. Life is busy.

—-

I love that there is such a great and seemingly credible interest in mental health right now. It is so necessary that we acknowledge that our community is in dire need of services that can and will be used toward the betterment of both our individual and collective selves. I’m excited to see so many new advocates and organizations enter the space.

The mind is powerful.

—-

I didn’t really go into great detail about the specific shadow exercises that I’ve worked on because I think that anyone that undertakes the work should find what is going to work for them and follow through. It took me years to even discover the term, let alone to attempt the work. I will say this though, that I believe my own determined and direct desire to find out what was “wrong” with me intrinsically placed me on a path to healing. Sure, I could have been where I am today- as it relates to a better health report, peace of mind, and energy level- much sooner had I had an opportunity or awareness of resources that would have benefited me. But I’ll accept that my journey had to bring me this way, in order to see and say things that way that I can. And I believe in God. That God exists. Maybe not the way we want to assume or assert that God exists, but I believe that God does. I trust that God has a way. I think that “all” thing’s somehow work towards that way. That’s as much as I have on that subject. I don’t believe that I’m on earth to attempt an inquisition into Gods intention. I’m here to experience life, that God created.

That brings me back to “stupid”.

I haven’t been “living”. I’ve been existing. I’ve been surviving. I’ve been struggling. I make it look good though. You’d never know that I was going through much of the torment that I have because I’ve conditioned myself to present “fine”. I was raised to do that. Taught it. “What happens in this house, stays in this house” is the mantra I was given instructions to follow. I grew up and kept that same energy.
For most of these years, what happens to me, stays with me.

Some traumatic shit I learned in childhood.

One of the things I’ve learned in the last couple of years is how vital the way we listen and learn as children is to the rest of our lives. It’s pretty much all learned behavior. Our processes, coping mechanisms, thought patterns, habits, emotional capacities, triggers, traits, characteristics, operating practices and such are all part and parcel of our childhood experiences. The formative years create the ideas and identities that shape our everything! What we do now is the result of what we were exposed to then. And that goes for everyone. Not just me. I’m really learning to acknowledge and accept that it is NOT JUST ME.

One last story:

A few weeks ago, a young man whom I consider a nephew, or younger brother, shared with me that he and a close associate got into a physical altercation after an incident that happened between the two of them while in the company of their social circle. The young man that I know took offense to something that his friend did/said and he swung on him. That resulted in an altercation that led to him “beating up” his friend. It was a real fight that led to the friend sustaining some bloody injuries.

When I first heard about the fight, I got worried. I asked worried parent/guardian questions. I was concerned about the ramifications.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been worried about retaliation and the blowback that might come as a result. It’s been on my mind tough.

A couple of days ago I had a talk with the young man that I know and I asked…

Me- “Dude trying to get his lick back?”

Him- “No. He knows he was wrong. Ain’t no lick back.”

Me- “Have you seen him since the fight?”

Him- “Everyday. Actually I’ve seen him more since that happened than I’ve ever seen him. I guess it’s true that fighting creates the brotherhood. We’ve been real good since that happened.”

Me- “Hmmmph.”

And I realized in that moment, just how significant my childhood trauma is.

I don’t fight. I don’t argue. I don’t confront.

I walk away.

Confrontation leads to murder.
Arguing leads to murder.
Fighting leads to murder.
Love leads to murder.
Secrets and hypocrisy lead to murder.
Money leads to murder.
Calling the police leads to murder.
Involving your family in your business leads to murder.
Being gay leads to murder.

And after the murder is isolation and rejection and confusion and abandonment and stress and sickness and hurt and pain and conspiracy and unfairness and misunderstanding and trouble and grief and depression…

And this cyclical process of going back and forth between these devastations.

—-

I grew up in a home that had a lot of secrets and silence. I have fond memories of my childhood, and of my mother. But my most prominent recollections are ugly. I remember the silence. I remember the secrets. I remember the hurt. I remember the details that I was forbidden to discuss outside of our home. I remember the pain. I remember what went on behind those walls. I remember the things that I now understand but I only “saw” then. I remember the arguing. I remember the fights. I remember the silence. I remember the murder.

And so I didn’t fight. I’ve just, existed. Better to walk away, to leave, than to stay and argue, then fight, then one of us kills the other one.

That is how I have engaged every aspect of my life. EVERYONE will tell you this too. Even while I’m perceived as being so calm and strong and resilient, there is this suspicion about me. About my motives, my intentions, my agenda. Because I have a weird way of acting around people. Especially when there is friction. I retreat. I get quiet. I don’t engage.

It’s never been that I didn’t want resolve or resolution, I was just afraid that one of us is going to die at the end of our problem. So I ignore it. I abandon the mission. I avoid the argument. I distance myself. I’ll be the bad guy.
Simple shit, too. Minor disagreements. Shit that could have easily and instantly been worked on, worked out, worked through. I didn’t. I ran. I shut-up. I shutdown. I avoided.

I’ve messed up so much by living like that. And I didn’t know why I did it. I didn’t know that I was doing it.

It was the only way I knew.

—-

Soooooooo…

This one is all over the place, I know. I’m trying to keep up with the pace of my brain, using these fingers. Trying to get the main points, or some of them, before I wrap this up.

But yea, I feel stupid. That’s the message here.

All this time, all these years…

Trauma.

That’s the answer. That’s what I’ve been dealing/struggling with. That’s the culprit responsible for my issues. As much as I’ve tried to be responsible and accountable and “better”. I was hurt. And I made mistakes. Like ALL HUMANS ARE SUPPOSED TO! I just thought that I didn’t deserve that grace, that mercy, that opportunity. To move past it.

Your mind really plays tricks on you.

—-

Getting better, doing better, being better… that takes work.

I’ve been doing that work.

—-

Anyway, this is my last post for awhile. The next time I post, it will be to premier my Podcast, present my products, and promote my new book. I have nothing else to explain. Time to do.

Thanks for listening.

-see

Today’s -see [9/28/22]

The world does not reciprocate your intentions. The Universe does, God may. But the world doesn’t. And you live in the world. Your intentions matter to you. Your ACTIONS, your STEPS, your EXAMPLE, is what the world sees, what the world recognizes, what the world respects.

It doesn’t matter that you “have” a good heart. Or that you “mean” well. Or that you “want” the best. The world acknowledges your progress, and your productivity. The world puts extreme emphasis on what you “have”, who vouches for you, what you can “show” them.

The point is that you live in a world that shows no respect for what may or might be. That’s all talk. This world sometimes understands what has been, but most often WHAT IS!

So, LIVE BY EXAMPLE! Do as you say. Speak with your ACTIONS. Lead by your movement.

That’s what they’re waiting on. YOU to DO what YOU said YOU WOULD. Potential is plentiful. Will you DO IT though? Will you get where YOU say YOU’RE going? Will you BECOME who YOU say YOU’LL be? ARE you going to MANIFEST the dreams/goals/plans/intentions that YOU are so adamant about?

Because, again, it doesn’t matter that you “want” better…

Are you GETTING better?
Are you DOING better?
Are you SHOWING better?

You’d BETTER. Because the world WILL NOT wait for you to “find yourself”. The world will move on to someone that already KNOWS who they are. The world will not wait on you to “get back up”. The world likes people who’ve already gotten up. The world is not considerate to YOUR journey, or what you went through to acknowledge that journey. That is for YOU! The world respects and recognizes when you DEMAND the world to respect and recognize who you are. When you COMMAND the world to bend and fold to YOUR deliberate intention and action…

Because you are CONFIDENT.
And CONSISTENT.
And CREDIBLE.
And COORDINATED.
And COURAGEOUS.
And COMPLETELY present and AWARE in the knowledge of these things.

That’s the difference. That’s what SUCCESS is. It’s when you REALIZE and REPEAT the formula. When YOU get it…

WHEN YOU DO IT.

(Note to Self)

-see

@seethepoet

Todays -see 8/28/22

Psssst…

Can I tell you something?🗣

You probably weren’t “equally yolked” in the first place; You were equally (similarly) shelled.

Let me explain:

Your outsides matched. You sounded the same. Liked comparatively. Appeared familiar. Communicated in language and tone that was easier to comprehend. Had commonality. Related in an identifiable fashion. Possessed and prayed towards conjoined destiny’s. Knew the same people. Had the same, or similar, friends, or job, or story. Or faith, or fears. Shared community.

… On the outside (the shell).

But on the inside… You couldn’t have been 2 more different people. Nothing agreeable. Everything a fight. Each moment a battle. What isn’t a battle is bound silence and the mediocrity of pretending to not have objection or an opinion. Not about control, but a sincere deviance from how that other person purports or pictures themselves to be.

You recognized one another. But you have no idea of how to understand who one another is.

See, when you’re equally shelled, the “other things” can keep you together. Money fixes shells. Clothes costume shells. Makeup and cosmetic work improve shells. Environments can influence shells. People can disguise and hide themselves amongst shells. You can dress up a shell to look like, be like, and blend into other shells.

Sex works, on shells. Cars and houses and trips, impress shells. Jewelry mesmerizes shells. The light, and the dark, affect the shell in certain ways. Music and tv can draw the attention of shells, rather easily. Shells can be camouflaged and manipulated to cooperate with the idealistic requirements of other shells. Shells tend to be collected and paired according to appearance. In cartons per say.

And that’s where you found the last assortment of shells you went through.

On the inside (the yolk)…

Being equally yolked means that you are intrinsically and instinctively thread by the character and value of your spirit-worth. Yolks are your true feelings, purpose, calling, and character. Not just who you are behind the mask, your yolk is who you are without it. Yolks are more than your story. Your yolk is every word and moment and encounter that creates you. Your yolk is your true intention and desire, feeling and fantasy, high and low. Your yolk is not what you say aloud. It is what you’ve not said, been afraid to say, and held in. Your yolk is your innermost collection of thoughts and reflection. Your processes and anecdotes. Your comfort zones and coping mechanisms. Your yolk is where your true identity lives. Where your absolute aspirations and perfect imaginations call home.

Shells are about attention whereas yolks are about intention. Shells are who you are in the crowd; Yolks are what you are when alone. Shells are defined by what someone sees in you. Yolks are characterized by who you see in yourself. Shells are your religion. Yolks are your spirituality.

I’ve heard it so often said that two people, in relationship, should be equally yoked. Growing up in and around the church, I’d always taken that phrase and received it analogously to the context of an egg. I always thought I was hearing the word “yolk” Y-O-L-K. And it made sense to me. Somehow I deduced it into the process of making eggs for breakfast. I would only imagine that it’d make sense to crack similar eggs to make a dish. I took the contrary to mean an extreme: you don’t want to mix fresh eggs with rotten ones. And thus I began psychoanalyzing the process in order to rectify my discomfort with the phrase I’d heard so often. Not once had I actually read the scripture to see that I was thinking of the wrong “yolk” the entire time. That’s probably what my angst and anxiety stemmed from. My spirit was telling me to go and read the words for myself, because I had the wrong idea.

But I didn’t and instead I went years working on my yolk/shell concept.

I was today years old when I read the scripture and saw that the word was “yoke” Y-O-K-E. That threw an entire flag onto my field of play. Because I know what the word “yoke” means. And in context to marriage, or relationship for that matter, I don’t like using that word one bit!

“Yoke” means harness. When I see or hear the word I think of animals and slavery. Not humans and marriage. Even if I try to accept it to represent relationship, I am quickly chastened to the reality that there is someone controlling the yoke. Someone that is not the persons under its control. And I don’t like that even more.

Plus, I don’t think that most people know that the scripture says YOKE, as opposed to YOLK.

But I digress.

And “yolk” it is.

With that, back to my point…

Most times that people say that they are “equally yolked”, they are talking about being equally shelled. “Equally shelled” does not often produce a partnership/relationship/marriage that can withstand the extreme conditions that will undoubtedly encounter your union. And quite honestly, shells can’t withstand all that pressure; They break. Being equally shelled will mean that you are both just as vulnerable and exposed to the fragility and risk that comes with such a thin layer of substance “covering” you.

I hope this is making sense. I pray that you know your yolk. That part that you’re holding beyond what we all see. I hope that you’re looking for someone to match that. After they know their own yolk. And are prepared to break through the facade and disguise to open up truly. Not just someone who is cracked and has some of the goodness seeping out.

Because ofttimes that’s what we see, and get… the seepage. The bits and pieces, the particles, the hints, the potential. The “what they could be”. The ingredients dressed as a finished meal.

And we try to digest that. Try to act like it is feeding us, satiating our appetite, satisfying our palate, soothing our hunger for the humankind.

And we eat that until we can’t pretend anymore. Or until we realize that we have a taste for the real thing. Or a desire for something/someone else. More fulfilling, more suited to our table. More in our budget. More like us. More… equal.

Someone we can yoke.

And who we don’t mind being yoked to.

Ha.

I get that one now, too.

Time to eat.

Smile.

-see

@seethepoet

Time for You.

You have a right to be you. Whatever and whoever that is. It’s Your decision. It’s Your choice.

No one gets to take that away. No one is entitled to any part of you that gives them any authority or access to do such a thing. Not without your consent.

Even in a society, or a world, that will try to convince you that you need permission, that you need a specific ally, that you need a specific group or organization, that you need a certain religion, or political party, or a team, or a school, a particular status, or belief system, a look, or a car, an outfit, or a hairstyle, or a pair of shoes…

To fit in…

Know that none of that is as important as you are. None of it. None of it means anything. Unless you give it meaning. It’s only value is the value that you determine it has.

That’s what they, whoever they are, is hoping that you never figure out. That you are the commodity. That the true currency is you! That none of that other stuff- because that’s what it is, stuff- is important. It’s actually a distraction. It’s a diversion.

It’s intended to steal your attention away from your ability to recognize what life is really about. It takes you away from acknowledging the real point of this journey. The actual reason that you are here.

You are here to have an experience. You are here to experience the full range and bandwidth of energies that are available to you. You are here for action, for adventure, for activity. Not always towards any specific purpose. Because that is your purpose. Being active in the experience, being present and aware, being available to the moment of now is why you are here.

Someone knows that. And they know that you don’t. They are counting on you not knowing. They’re expecting you to think that your bills are more important. That your mistakes are more important. That your pain is more important. That their politics and their systems and their programs are more important. They’ll have you believe that a job is more important. That everything else is more important.

And they’ll have you trade what is important, you and your time, for those things. For those insignificant and inappropriate things, they’ll have you pressed in between the binds and bondage of unreal and unrealistic commitments. They’ll trick you into feeling that you don’t measure up, that you’re not, that it’s over, that you can’t.

But that they can.

That somehow they have a right and entitlement to power that you don’t. That they have an access to resources and you don’t. That they have ownership and you don’t.

None of that is true. They know that.

They know that you’ve been betrayed by the perceptions and notions that have been presented to you so far.

They have invested their time, resources, and energy into you giving yours away.

You’ve given away your time, your resources, and your energy…

For pain. For hurt. For tragedy. For racism. For classism. For social media. For celebrity. For popularity. For likes and comments. For followers. For tradition. For religions. For corporations. For people. For materials. For a bunch of things…

Because someone told you that those things were important.

You know what is important? What is most important?
You are important.
You are that important!
You are necessary. This place isn’t meant to be suffered, or separated, or stuck. You are supposed to succeed! This place is and will only ever be anything meaningful because of who YOU are! Because you are here. This place needs you.

It needs you to BE and become. It needs you to go and keep going. It needs you to do and keep doing. It needs you to speak and keep speaking. It needs you to live and keep living. It needs you to love and keep loving. It needs you to dream and keep dreaming. It needs you to try and keep trying. It needs you to feel and keep feeling. It needs you to see and keep seeing. It needs you to learn and keep learning. It needs you to want and keep wanting.

It needs you. It needs you to be you.

Whatever you’re going through. Whatever your experience has been or is, experience it. Experience it to the full. Feel all of your feelings. Stay as long as you need to in it, and then move forward. Then create the next experience that you require to continue on your path of experience.

Along the way, you’ll connect with energies and spirits that reflect your light in a way you need to be energized and educated. Those connections will be the most profound moments of your life. Good and bad. Those connections will be the reason that you are who you become. Those connections will be the light that ignite your fire. Those connections will be the force behind your motives and intentions. Those connections will be the reason that you continue on your journey towards the point of it all.

That journey is discovery.

The point is for you to be you.

They know that.
It’s time for you to know it as well.

-see

©️2022 Cornelious “See” Flowers
@seethepoet

IT and YOU.

If YOU want “it”, YOU have to go for it. YOU have to do the work for it. YOU have to connect with whatever people, places, or things, have something to do with it. YOU have to study it, learn about it, and submit YOURSELF to it. YOU have to practice it. YOU have to invest in it. YOU have to believe in it.

YOU have to believe it.

YOU are going to have to see YOURSELF with it, part of it, doing it, having it, in it, as “it”.

Most importantly, YOU are going to have to be prepared to deal with everything that comes with it. With having it. With knowing it. With being it.

Because it, the “it” that YOU swear YOU want, does not come easy.

That’s what makes it special. That’s what makes it worth it. That’s how YOU will know that “it” is for YOU.

-see

©️2022 Cornelious “See” Flowers

@seethepoet