Delusions of Grandeur-

Noun 1. delusions of grandeur – a delusion (common in paranoia) that you are much greater and more powerful and influential than you really are.
delusion, psychotic belief – (psychology) an erroneous belief that is held in the face of evidence to the contrary
megalomania – a psychological state characterized by delusions of grandeur

“Until I am.”

Yesterday I spoke to a friend on the phone and in a joking manner I called her crazy. I told her that she had “split personalities” that were multiple and were consistent. And she responded with, “I’d like to consider myself a waffle. A bunch of little boxes that come together to make this one delicious meal. So just pour on the syrup, and eat!”

Hmmm. That was a different way to look at it. And then she expounded, “I believe that I do a pretty good job of organizing the compartments of my life. It’s a pretty good balance. I have a “crazy” box. I have an organized one. I have a selfish box. I have a compassionate and giving one. Hey, I can deal with it. I can handle me.”

And she is right, about herself. I think that she is one of the most consistent and balanced people that I know. She is human, no doubt, but she excels and performs in a superhuman capacity. She is profound and proficient in business and as a parent and for herself as well. She is an awesome friend and mother and employee and daughter and just all around good human being. And when I called her crazy I believe she would have had every right to refute my claim and rebuke me for slander. But she owned it and she claimed it, in a sense. And I want some “crazy” now. I want a waffle! Literally.

Today I woke up thinking about my own self. I woke up with the thought of whether I am crazy. Whether it has all been one magnificent delusion of grandeur. Whether all of the hope and want and intention was really a farce, a distraction from reality. Whether I pretended it all and instead stood rebellious to the ultimate destiny and destination of mediocrity or failure that was really for me. I questioned whether my talents, gifts, and skills, were in fact as strong or amazing as I have believed them to be. I woke up wondering if maybe that was why I hadn’t received the “support” and the promotion or “release” that I have surely been holding onto the idea of for all these years. Maybe this spiritual “feeling” that I have been experiencing and holding onto for all this time was really some copout that I enabled to justify my refusal to comply with responsibility or being accountable for who I really was. So then I began to wonder if the pain and the lack and the “mess” had all been my fault, because of a truth such like that. Maybe I had caused my own demise by not determining my own displacement, because I deliberately dodged my destiny.

Then I thought to myself, “HELL NAW! HELL NO! HELL to the NO!”

I woke up this morning with some doubt. I woke up with some reservations. I woke up with some fears. I woke up feeling bad and down about some issues, some challenges, some problems. I woke up feeling terrible because the truth is that I know all these positive words and quotes and stories and people and places but the fact is that I am not living in a very positive “place” at the moment. There is a lot of non-positive going around me. And I hear it. And I see it. And the music sings it. and the movies show it. And the news reports it. And the people seem to enjoy it. And there is so much sickness and poverty and depression and lack and death. And there are so many layers of it. And I am in the midst of it. All of this “stuff”. “Stuff”, that’s what it is, just stuff.

And with all of that stuff and my stuff and the stuff that everyone else has going on, I feel like my hopes and dreams and wants and intentions had gotten “stuffed” away in some box that either I packed away and lost or someone else stole or hid from me. And so I’m dealing with life and the reality that is, without my best “stuff”. So I only get what is or has been given me, and that hasn’t been a lot of “good stuff”.

And I woke up thinking about all that “stuff”. And just that quick, all of the motivation and inspiration and hope, from yesterday and last night, (Yesterday I posted a 17 page blog I’d written about moving on and letting go and dealing with the past, and then I watched the movie, “The Secret”) was gone. And I have done that before; Went to bed with an amazing feeling of possibility and change and aspiration, only to wake up faced with the reality of troubles and issues and problems. Waking up to “stuff”. And just that quick I found myself back into the habit and tradition of doubt and being afraid and being scared and feeling responsible and worthy for all the “bad”. And in those moments are when I hear or am reminded of the voices of criticism and commentary from the people and places that have told me no or that I couldn’t and that I wouldn’t or that I wasn’t ready or worthy. In those moments I hear the voices of my own self-doubts and limitations that repeat the wrong things that I learned, that echo the bad habits and traditions and problems that I mimicked and emulated to the detriment of my true desire. Before I could get a chance to make a difference, “no different” would remind me of the “stuff” that says I can’t. Stuff that says “I’m not”. Stuff that says it’s all my fault.

Delusion-
An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder.
“the delusion of being watched”
synonyms: misapprehension, misconception, misunderstanding, mistake, error, misinterpretation, misconstruction, misbelief; More
the action of deluding someone or the state of being deluded.

“Delusion” isn’t a “bad” thing.

When all of my “stuff” started surfacing inside of my head this morning I remembered a conversation that I had a few days ago about the term, “delusions of grandeur”. I was talking to another friend of mine and I told him that he had delusions of grandeur. He had never heard the term and so I sent him the definition via a text message. His response was, “That’s you!”, and I responded, “My paranoia is that I’m nothing, not that I’m bigger. I have you, my minion, for that, lol”. My response text was in jest but I had actually felt a sense of discouragement and depression from his “That’s You” text. Because it triggered an insecurity of mine. A feeling that my indifference to what others have taken as their road was maybe my way of not measuring up to what “everybody else” is. Maybe everyone else was normal, and right, and I was just more of the same, somehow, just wrong. I got that feeling of self-pity and defeat that comes with unmet expectations and disappointments. His text sent me nose diving into a self-deprecating moment of dialogue with myself.

I’m sure he meant me no harm, I was just already in a moment and the thought that someone could overt that I was delusional, gave me some pause and a very uncomfortable feeling at that second. My dad always says that “a hit dog will holler”, I was the proverbial dog, and I had been hit.

As I was remembering that conversation, and in this mornings moment of suffering the “stuff”, I started to feel like maybe I was delusional. Maybe I had made monumental mistakes in thinking that one day I would get “my chance”. Maybe I deserved the opposition, the obstacles. Maybe there was nothing “original” about me. Just maybe I had caused it all. All the pain and problems were my fault. And that I had no power to change things. I started to feel defeated. Even on the heels of the internal victory that my blog post was yesterday. I started to feel like a loser.

And then I made a decision to not give in to those feelings today. I refused to give up that quickly. And so then I looked up the terms.

And the word delusional specifically,
… “generally accepted as reality or rational argument,…”

I do not deserve to suffer. I do not deserve pain. I do not deserve bad health or mediocre standards of living. I do not deserve poverty or homelessness. I don’t deserve abandonment or hate or alienation. I looked at the definition of delusional and realized that if I chose to believe the definition of delusional as I have been taught it, then I would believe that I did deserve these things because there is a “reality and rational argument” that justifies these facts. By virtue of my not taking care of certain business, because I hadn’t done certain things, because I had definitely messed up along the way, because of where I was from, because of who I am. But then I thought about very successful people and stories of like people that have overcome odds, situations, circumstances, conditions, and realities much worse than mine, and I realized that those people were definitely “delusional” at some point and had certain “delusions of grandeur”. It is a matter of perception; They envisioned, dreamed, expected, and viewed themselves bigger or better than whatever the situation was. Sometimes they even had to IGNORE the reality in order to function outside of it. And then the truth is that at some point we all experience “delusions of grandeur”. From infancy, when you first roll over and aspire to crawl. When you reach for an object that you desire but your current reality -not having the full control, awareness, and function of motor skills- prevents you from just walking, or however accessing that thing. Those are “delusions of grandeur”, crawling, standing, walking, jumping, and running. They are just that UNTIL they are different.

I spent a lot of years and time in shame. A very long time and a very many years in shame. I was mired in guilt and pain and insecurity and hopelessness and the suffering that comes with those feelings. And I hid and felt dark and had feelings, thoughts, and ideas, of suicide and loneliness. I opted out of the everyday abundance and opportunity to heal and be restored. And I kept silent and kept secret those things. Things that I did and things that were done to me. And I repeated the cycles and seasons that were natural, or “reality” for me. And I stopped doing the things that once gave me joy or happiness or even hope. And I chose not to learn or observe new methods because of feelings of unworthiness or ideas I planted or implanted that said that I did not deserve different. I stopped being and believing beyond achieving outside of what my situations or circumstances “said” that I was. And for a very long time that internalization and the self-inflicted harm and danger that it produces, began to destroy the attitude and mindset that I once had. And the results, the “stuff” and what it produces”, became my character.

But I am bigger than this. I am more important than this. I am smarter than this. I have more money than this. I have more energy than this. I am healthier than this. I am more honest than this. I am more stable than this. I am a better parent than this. I am a better brother than this. I am a better person than this. I am more trusting than this. I am more fit than this. I have more energy than this. I have more opportunity than this. I do more than this. I am more than this!

Delusions of Grandeur-
… a delusion that you are much greater and more powerful and influential than you really are.

Que the aha moment…

Yes, that’s me. Delusional and all. Nerve to believe in myself beyond what my “situation” is. Audacity to try something different from what I’ve been used to or what I was given. Because I AM POSSIBLE. I have the right to be. I get to move, GO, DO, BE! It is my turn. I get to live my life. I get to do it for me. I get to tell and share my story to those who need it as an expression or as an example. I get to experience joy, and trust, and love, and peace, and happiness, and support, and reverence. I GET TO FEEL SAFETY, SECURITY, and SIGNIFICANCE! I get to mean something to myself and to others and to experience being beloved and admired and respected and trusted and acknowledged. I get to be forgiven and understood and recognized. I get to be vulnerable and transparent. I get to be myself. I get to be unique and relevant and utilized. I get to be more than whatever my situation says I might not be. I am more!

Last night I wrote an affirmation on my dry-erase board that says:

~Today is the NOW that I have anticipated, expected, and hoped for. This is my moment! This is my season! I am grateful, I am appreciative, and I receive the FULLNESS and ABUNDANCE of this time for me. I believe and have faith ant TRUST in the manifestation of GOOD that comes my way. I am at peace and in harmony with the universal plan that GOD has purposed for me. I receive an abundant flow of resources and such are needed to meet and exceed my expectations! This is my day. I LOVE ME! I RESPECT ME. I TRUST ME. I AM $UCCE$$! -see ~

And yet I had awaken feeling less than that. Until I remembered that I was doing this for me. Until I remembered that there is no clock on when I have to do it, because “it” won’t all change in the moment, but I can. Until I remembered that I didn’t like the feeling nor the results that came along with the same old routine that I had been exercising for all this time. So I started to remind myself of the possibility and the promise of overcoming challenges. I started to think about and say aloud what I was thankful for. I closed my eyes and started visualizing the things I want for myself. I started imaging myself waking up in a big comfortable bed that was in the master bedroom of my home. And I started listening for the sound of the birds that sat outside my window, basking in the sunlight of such a warm day. Then I folded my fingers behind my head as I laid on the pillow and started planning out my schedule. There were meetings and appointments in the afternoon. There was a conference call. I had a rehearsal and some family time. I smiled as I thought about the vacation I plan to take my family on in the spring. And then I picked up my phone and started thumbing through the alerts of book sales and emails requesting appearances and speaking engagements. And I started thinking about all of the other projects that I have in the pipeline, the T-shirt line, the CDs, the dvd, the other books, the plays, the events, the consulting company, the charities. Soon enough I was imagining properties and locations for things I want to do. It felt good to live a life that evolved around authenticity and being myself. It felt good to feel the adoration and acknowledgement that comes along with being productive and being purposeful. I spent the next 25 minutes meditating on allowing the manifestation of these much healthier thoughts to encompass my being.

Before I knew it, I felt better. And then I thought about that feeling. And I thought about “delusions of grandeur”. Was I delusional? Was I “crazy” to imagine such a life for myself? Why was it so different that quick?

… delusion, psychotic belief – (psychology) an erroneous belief that is held in the face of evidence to the contrary…

Let me get this straight…

So, the “belief” is erroneous primarily because the “evidence” is to the contrary. Because it doesn’t look a certain way, because “I” don’t look a certain way, because things aren’t a certain way, the consensus is that I’m wrong for thinking outside of my “box”. That is how “normally” works. That is how the thinking and traditions of thought that I grew up around and continue to exist in, operate. This is how poverty is perpetuated. This is how low self-esteem and insecurity is able to demoralize and delay so many people from achieving outside of their limitations. This is how the “lesser of them” are kept below the “greater of those” who know that the real captivity and imprisonment is mental. It is a psychological battle. The realization and materialization of ascension is made possible in the idea first. If the thought is absent, the action is almost impossible. Sure, there are inadvertent and reflexive events that produce results that generate the effects and “dreams” that are completely response to impulse or happenstance and justify the lottery of chance or the assertions that “anything is possible” or “anyone can make it”, but there is no certain formula nor perfect philosophy for those facts. They are the highlights, the feel-good stories.

They are not the way it usually goes.

Or I change the way it goes. I do something different, something other than the way it has gone. I have to get crazy. I have to be “crazy” enough to think outside the box and then consistent enough in that crazy to maintain it. Maintaining it becomes my identity. Maintaining it is my originality. Maintaining is my responsibility. Because the facts say what they say about me and about my situation. The facts are very sure about what they infer. The truth is all together different. My truth is very different. I’m owning my truth. That is crazy. Taking ownership of this truth is crazy.

This morning I woke up and felt totally defeated. I felt overwhelmed and really small compared to what I perceived as the size of the world and my issues. And I was feeling very indifferent to giving a go towards starting the work that is necessary for me to begin anew. I allowed a thought of negativity to hoist itself onto my shoulders and I was about to carry it, and all of my “stuff” back into the hole and cave of my shame and depression and guilt. Because for a moment I wasn’t willing to be crazy enough to change. I wasn’t delusional enough to see myself bigger than my reality. But then I thought about my choices. I thought about my options. I thought about my facts. And I want different. I want the more that I know that I am. And I’ll live with being looked at however until I am what I know I am going to be. The alternative is much more of the mediocrity and pain and the past and lack and “not” that led me to this nonsense…

I’d really have to be crazy to believe that I can do much more of that.

-see

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
-@seethepoet