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Open, for Closure…

So, for the past year I’ve been working on this book. I walked away from everything to do it. I walked away from a certain life, from a certain livelihood.

The stories, the feelings, the emotions, and all that came out of me in this process, I could never explain. It hurt to remember and to recall. It hurt to recognize that these things were my reality, were my past.

And 6 months ago (January 26) I even stopped cutting hair in order to focus on it. I did that against advice and better judgement and common sense. I did it because my heart told me to. I did it because my spirit spoke to me what my heart was saying. I did it because my mind was willing to listen to both my heart and spirit, because for so long I had fought doing such. And thus I went further into a seclusion. Further into an isolation. To get what I had been searching for all these years.

And so, in these last 6 months I have experienced the most amazing of revelation and recollection. I’ve wandered through the bowels of history and flushed out feelings and parts of me that had long been compacted and obstructive to the natural flow of me being able to live a certain freely. And in these 6 months I’ve allowed myself to just stop. I stopped trying to do “everything”. I stopped trying to “make it work”. I stopped trying to “prove myself”. I stopped holding everything in. And I began to let it all out. Even what I didn’t put to those pages, I spoke to myself. I faced my self and recognized who I was and who I had become. I faced myself as a human. I realized that I was not “the only one”, not the demon, not the monster, not the negative image that I had imagined myself to be. And I faced my hurt. I even faced those who had hurt me. I faced the largest hurts of my life and stood firm in the presence of them. And I didn’t run, like I used to. I didn’t fold, like I used to. Instead I stood there. Instead of loathing, I laughed.

And in these 6 months, things that I did not expect happened. Things like, my health improving. 15 plus years of hypertension came under control. My prescription medicine dosage was lowered. One medicine was taken away all together. I didn’t workout, in fact I had canceled my gym membership 7 months ago because I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t go to therapy or get some alternative treatment. I actually went into a much darker place. I didn’t learn a technique, breathing or meditation. Nope, none of that. I have probably been more anxious and on edge than ever because I had found myself broke, immobile, and in this spiritual sense of solitude that had alienated me from what was once, “normal” and routine.

But yet I was getting better. Healthier. Freer. I felt so much better. I stopped communicating with 95% of the people that I had been in contact with. I did that so that I was not influenced or persuaded to feel some sort of guilt or inclination towards having to do or be what I “was supposed” to. And that was hard to do because I walked away from friends, family, opportunity.

But every month I would go to the doctor and my blood pressure is lower than the month before. The doctor said to me last month, “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it. It’s working.”

And I came home that evening and thought about that and realized what I was doing. I was letting it out. I was getting rid of all of the toxic and poisonous language and mess that was in my life. That was in my heart. That was in my head. I was writing stories that I needed to tell, to myself, in order to realize that I had come through. I had long tried to dismiss and distance myself from my past. In that, I had not ever dealt with how I felt or what I felt. I had run. I had hidden. I had avoided. I had lied to myself about who and what I was, and what I had been through.

And now I was writing it. Jumping all over the place. None of these stories making sense, in terms of fitting together. But one would lead to another. That would inspire the memory of another. And before I knew it I had remembered a long forgotten history. And in the darkness I saw flickers of light that were strong enough to illuminate old hopes and dreams. I started to feel differently about so many things, and such my feelings were validated and vindicated in the knowing of my own self. Certain, because I had come to enter an awareness that I had long thought I had been separated from.

Yesterday I was walking to the store and I spoke these words…

“I’m ready to talk.”

I didn’t even try to say it. It wasn’t loud. I was by myself. There was no conversation going on around me. There was only silence.

But yet I spoke those words…

“I’m ready to talk.”

And in that same moment I realized that the book that I’d been working on was not ever meant to be for the public that I thought I was writing it for. The book was for me. It wasn’t for presentation or performance. I once believed that I was writing the book for profit and for acclaim. I was writing it because I believed it to be my purpose. It wasn’t. It’s purpose was to get me to talk. It’s purpose was to get me to feel again. It’s purpose was to get me to remember. It’s purpose was to get me open.

This morning I awoke feeling a “different” than I have ever felt before. A weirdly wonderful that seems legitimately belonging to me. I woke up today feeling that I deserve to be. What ever follows “be” is my choice. It’s my choosing.

So I choose to SPEAK.

The book that I was writing was titled: “OPEN, for CLOSURE”. It was a story of how I got to a place of being vulnerable to change. How I got to a sense of belief and faith in the power of my own self. The book talked about tragedy and loss and grief and how families and communities often fail to protect us. It was a book about redemption and justification. It was a book of remorse and regret. It was a book that detailed, in detail, some of the rawest and most terrible moments of my life. It was a comeback story. The book was not an “I win” in the end story. The book was how it is to not win but to still have hope for victory. The book was a question, a question of what if the “good” never comes. What if the answer never is. What if the problem is never solved. What if “closure” never happens.

The book was about my life. It was about my story. And today I realized that I’d rather live it. I’ll write that book one day, a while from now. It will be a part of a different book. It will make much more sense for others at they time. But in this moment, writing it did what it was supposed to do, for me. It got me where it was supposed to get me, open.

Because I am “open, for closure” and such I have it. I am open to the idea and the opportunity. I’m open to the notion. I get it now.

I’ll start putting what I’ve written thus far on my blog. The book is better as a discussion. I’m going to be able to discuss it there.

At about 3 o’clock this morning I looked at the date:
July 23, 2014

8 years ago today, July 23, 2006, The Messengers reality show began to air. That show, and me publicly sharing parts of my life for a television audience, began this healing process. There were events and occurrences that happened during my experience with that show that started this process. I began to heal then. It’s taken 8 years. I hadn’t even thought about it, the show, in a long while. But when I thought about the day, this morning, I started to remember things that begun this journey. And it makes sense. To me, at least.

And I’m okay. I made it. I’m ready to talk. I’m open. I’m open for closure.

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Today’s -see 3/17/2014

How to “pass” the past. In 12 steps.
By -see

*Day 1*

Step 1: STEP!

YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION! YOU must first make a conscious thought that is focused towards doing something, anything, a thing, in the direction of the progress and process that YOU desire. YOUR first “step” does not have to be a physical act but it does have to be a psychological one. YOU MUST START WITH YOUR THOUGHTS! Every progress, production, or promotion, began as a thought. Either the response to or the results from, a thought. That is YOUR very first move, changing the way YOU think.

The idea sounds simple, the implementation will take work. The fact is that sometimes we don’t even realize that the way we think or the things that we think are unhealthy and/or toxic to our ultimate goals and desires. Our thoughts are learned behaviors and direct manifestations of our exposures and environments. YOUR thought process is a byproduct of how YOU brought into what YOU experienced and what YOU were exposed to, even before YOU were equipped or experienced enough to make decisions to receive or reject what those ideas were. Our thoughts are also directly attached to how we interact or interacted with the people, places, and particulars, of our past. How YOU recognize and interpret the emotions, feelings, and belief systems that influenced everything about YOU is a materialization of thoughts. And based on how we achieved those relationships or found identity in them, is how those subsequent thoughts affect or infect our lives. And time, especially periods of time, will eventually harden the form and shape of what those thoughts and resulting realities become. And it will take time, and sometimes, periods of it, to loosen and ultimately break those holds.

But it starts with a thought.

A new thought, no matter how profound or prestigious towards rescuing YOU from a certain place it is, will actually prove to adversely affect YOUR plan if that thought is just added to a convoluted mix of years and generations of other or over-thinking. A brand new shiny anything will get dusty over time, it will sully quicker in the company of trash or mess!

So the first step for YOU may be to have a thought of clearing YOUR mind. Don’t pressure YOURSELF to produce some fantastic thought that gets YOU or YOUR life to going in any direction, new or different. YOUR first thought may just be to clear all of the other thoughts and that is a process and success all on its own.

(Here is an article about simple meditation techniques. Meditation s one of the surest and proven successful methods of clearing the mind, improving focus, and regulating breathing. And changing the way that YOU think going forward will require a lot of deep breaths, lol)

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2013/07/30/3-meditation-techniques-for-beginners

Whether YOU are easily adept at doing this or willing enough to challenge YOURSELF to start, this is the first step. And it is a very BIG one. Making the conscious decision to identify and define YOUR thoughts and thought processes will undoubtedly grant YOU a brand new level of growth and development. It is not just a good way, or a convenient way, or a suggested way to start, it is the only way to start that can guarantee that YOUR start and YOUR finish are aligned and affixed to a consistent and routine pattern of exercise that will inevitably serve YOU better and more effective than any alternative. YOU know the saying “Change YOUR attitude and YOU change YOUR altitude”? Well, it is definitely true and maintaining the proper altitude is mandatory for successful flight into YOUR destiny!

Here is my own personal formula (M.O.V.E) for the first step:

Meditate, Observe, Visualize, Experiment

First: Meditating on who YOU are and where YOU are.
Then: Observe the possibilities and opportunities present.
Next: Visualize (Plan) YOUR desired wants/goals/desires
Then: Experiment with these steps until YOU get it right.

There are many formulas and theories that are based and built on platforms that seek to teach YOU how to do this. Which one works specifically for YOU is going to be determined by YOUR own trial and experience. I suggest first opening YOUR mind to the possibility of change and then, well, embracing that step. That little shift in thought can make a phenomenal difference. It changes the perception and perception is a difference maker. How YOU see the possibility determines the possibility!

Once YOU are able to “see” a difference, YOU will be able to make a difference. NOW is the perfect time to start. Think about it!

-see

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
-@seethepoet

Happy Birthday Momma… 2/1/1954

I remember you
saying that you loved me
saying that once we’d know a day without you
and that all you did for us,
was never about you
but that your hope was that we’d hope,
that we’d grasp hold of the lessons
and lessen the weight of burdens ahead
and to not take that knowledge for granted…

and then one day,
you were dead…

and now all I have is remember
trying to forget more than I ever knew
trying to find reasons and answers
to carry me through
trying to blind the haunts and torments
so that I can move
trying to justify the reasons
that “life just happens” tries to excuse
trying to bring back the joy
that your absence removed
trying to start moving the feet
that I no longer use
I’ve been standing still,
I-just-want-to-move…

So I have to remember,

that you taught me strength
and you revealed to me my talent,
and that you announced my gift
that you showed me courage
and that you taught me pride
and how you showed me love
and how you let me cry
that you gave me responsibility
and prepared me for independence
that you encouraged me to write
that you inspired me to finish
and how you exampled resilience
despite any limits…

Momma, I remember…

I remember how bad it hurt to disappoint you
and that I tried to find every reason to point to…
anything that would explain,
but how you saw past those games
and forced me to look forward
how you identified my passion
and sternly pushed me towards it

And I can still hear,
“Punishment will reign swift and severe…”

Yes, I remember…

I remember how once you were gone,
everyone left
I remember running away from that loneliness,
all by myself
I left behind everything you left me
in order to catch my breath,
took me 20 years to finally,
let your memory rest…

And,

I stopped going to the cemetery and talking to the dirt
I finally wrote that letter,
both of those things worked,
I came back to face my demons
I’ve been still for 4 years
even walked away from my vices,
and now I can really feel…

And I remember…

I remember that I promised you I’d succeed
and I’d buy you and grandma a house
that I’d take care of my sister and brother
no matter what any of that could cost,
I promised to spend any amount
and that I’d change the world with my vision
and today I’m finally ready,
to use what I’d been given…

I’m ready to remember…

2/1/1954 – 3/26/1994
Michelle T. Flowers

Happy Birthday…

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