Happy Birthday Momma… 2/1/1954

I remember you
saying that you loved me
saying that once we’d know a day without you
and that all you did for us,
was never about you
but that your hope was that we’d hope,
that we’d grasp hold of the lessons
and lessen the weight of burdens ahead
and to not take that knowledge for granted…

and then one day,
you were dead…

and now all I have is remember
trying to forget more than I ever knew
trying to find reasons and answers
to carry me through
trying to blind the haunts and torments
so that I can move
trying to justify the reasons
that “life just happens” tries to excuse
trying to bring back the joy
that your absence removed
trying to start moving the feet
that I no longer use
I’ve been standing still,
I-just-want-to-move…

So I have to remember,

that you taught me strength
and you revealed to me my talent,
and that you announced my gift
that you showed me courage
and that you taught me pride
and how you showed me love
and how you let me cry
that you gave me responsibility
and prepared me for independence
that you encouraged me to write
that you inspired me to finish
and how you exampled resilience
despite any limits…

Momma, I remember…

I remember how bad it hurt to disappoint you
and that I tried to find every reason to point to…
anything that would explain,
but how you saw past those games
and forced me to look forward
how you identified my passion
and sternly pushed me towards it

And I can still hear,
“Punishment will reign swift and severe…”

Yes, I remember…

I remember how once you were gone,
everyone left
I remember running away from that loneliness,
all by myself
I left behind everything you left me
in order to catch my breath,
took me 20 years to finally,
let your memory rest…

And,

I stopped going to the cemetery and talking to the dirt
I finally wrote that letter,
both of those things worked,
I came back to face my demons
I’ve been still for 4 years
even walked away from my vices,
and now I can really feel…

And I remember…

I remember that I promised you I’d succeed
and I’d buy you and grandma a house
that I’d take care of my sister and brother
no matter what any of that could cost,
I promised to spend any amount
and that I’d change the world with my vision
and today I’m finally ready,
to use what I’d been given…

I’m ready to remember…

2/1/1954 – 3/26/1994
Michelle T. Flowers

Happy Birthday…

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