Tag Archives: Pain

Addict…

You met a me that had no idea who I was and had myself been any the wiser or known any better I would have let you let it go before you let me know that you recognized me from a future that would someday become one I was likely to know…
Because now what’s done is done and you won’t believe a word I say outside of I was wrong and I’m too stubborn to relinquish the rights to my pain just long enough to understand that you got hurt helping me, and that what both of us did was done selfishly, and that means we have something else in common other than the denominator that equates to us taking drama up and down the escalator of nowhere…
It’s not fair that I get to express and explain while you only have to maintain some sense of dignity that sustains your credibility and reputation versus having to move on to someone else waiting or willing to be dealt the hand you decided would not give you a chance to beat me, love is a fixed game, you only win if you cheat me…
And so speaking for what we could have been/did/or had, I’ve been, did, and had and I will be/do/ and have again, so you again is just what it is and that goes for you as well, no telling if we will cooperate with destiny and definitely or be distracted and delay what is inevitable…
Right one, wrong too, so we belong sorted into boxes of oxymorons that are thrown into the mix of emotions I attempt to separate myself from when I run into my reflection and attempt to direct my self to express some sense of clarity or compassion towards asking the question…
Did it matter that I only mattered when it mattered to you? Or did it ever occur inside of your imagination that I was just as confused? Or were you blind to my imperfections because you only saw through to my being capable of being yours one day and so you were willing to look past my past hoping to past me off as something else other than someone good enough to settle for saying “I do” one day…
I do one day intend to stop long enough to start seriously considering the fact that I’ve backed myself into a corner that is far more comfortable than the warmest of regard that you could offer and so the coffers of my wellsprings only mean a damned thing to which I imply that I don’t apply a damn thing, according to you I was just a damn thing, you’ve dealt with more before, the truth is that I was yours before you said anything and then you went and said everything that messed that up…
I confess, the rest just sucked. You gave more reasons not to while doing the very thing and that looked like something else but was in fact a slight difference being that I never asked for it…
My bad for it being this way but this way you can blame me for the very thing that makes you want to be away while still being able to stay apart of my story to save face, …
It is only because of amazing grace that I have no faith in us, trust issues aside you just arrived at the wrong time and the truth be told, it was all lies, one way or another, my perspective or your opinion, neither convincing enough to argue for a continuance or a stay so it’ll be much easier if we just say good bye as opposed to good riddances and avoid any long drawn out sentences that we will probably commute anyway,
You know if I see your face,
Because the only reason to say no is death and I’ve got too much life left in me to be pretending that I don’t want you back, even if its just for that, sad,
Dear Habit, I got you bad.

¬©2013 Cornelious “See” Flowers

How…

How…

Heartbreak is the only reason to keep on loving

Or trying to find love where there is no pain….

Or finding patience in pain because pain attracts healing and cures

And forgiveness becomes a reason to be hurt again or an excuse you can use to justify why you do any of it…

Sex is how you explain it

Because words can’t and no one seems to speak your language when it comes to things that matter

And since sex seems to matter you make it a matter-of-factly type of means of communicating when you can’t

And it seems that you never do

But you keep trying…

Trying to make love to make sense to make something better because the thought makes you feel good

Or a memory makes you feel good

Or a fantasy makes you imagine that it will feel good

And maybe it does, if it does, when it does

But it does absolutely nothing to change anything significant

Because sex is definitely not significant

When it comes to love

It just magnifies heartbreak

And makes things difficult

And different

And makes fools of people who think that they are smarter than love

Or heartbreak

Or pain

Or anything that requires you to surrender possibility to the probability

That you will inevitably feel absolutely nothing as it overtakes you

Blame it on the chemical avalanche that rushes you and depletes you of rationality…

Yes, it’s a mess

Trying to fix broken people with broken means, things you picked up from other broken people,

Who are just being

The truth is that you only want to when you have no choice but to and that will only make things seem more important than what they really are until you realize that the only things that matter are the things that don’t mean enough to distract you from what gives you a chance to love

Without questions

Or sufficient answers

Or expectations

That judge mistakes

And circumvent adventure

With the chance to wait

Your soul doesn’t care what happened nor what is next

It cries out to give its best

To illuminate from behind the desk

That contains all of the files you’ve amassed and collected and repeatedly over-checked for where you could have done different

And maybe some type of map that could lead you from this prison

That holds you hostage and forces you to listen

To the sound of echoes that beckons you from assumption

Your memory only knows where it once was

Not where you’re going to be,

Heartbreak is the only thing that will make you able to see,

Just how foolish it all had came to be

Until you care enough to remain at ease

And breathe

The real sigh of relief

That makes you free.

-see

©2012 Cornelious M. Flowers III

And then… [POEM]

And then….

And then
there will be something else
something more
something harder
different
more requiring
more challenging
expensive
unexpected
that hurts
and then you will have to go
and keep going
because there is no other way
to make sense of it
or to stop it
and then
the distractions
the delays
the doubts
the distance
the decisions
that you must consider
and then
the devil
that you blame
responsible
that keeps trying to stop you
from stopping him
because you could
stop him
if you wanted to
because you’re bigger
because faith is bigger
than whatever is not faith
even the biggest thing
is smaller than the smallest faith
and you tell yourself that
and then
someone says you’re crazy
because you believe
when they say you shouldn’t
because they couldn’t
because somebody told them
that they wouldn’t
and then
they take a seat
to watch you
fall
harder
faster
and then you do
fall
harder
faster
right onto your purpose
your destiny
on purpose
somehow
and someone is watching you
for an example
and you don’t see them
because
all you see is in front of you
and you try to focus
on that
and then
more of
the distractions
the delays
the doubts
the distance
the decisions
that you must consider more
in order to keep fighting
in order to keep living
because living is your fight
living is why you fight
so you ready for war
and then
someone smiles
someone special
someone who doesn’t see
the war
only that you’re fighting
and they ask why
and you don’t know what to say
so you smile back
holding back tears
and the pain
and the frustration
and the problems
because you don’t want them
to see the worse that is to come
because you want them
to have a bigger faith
a better faith
and then
you realize that
there is no different faith
just faith
and so you smile back
to reassure them
that help is on the way
in spite of
the distractions
the delays
the doubts
the distance
the decisions
that they must consider
while they fight
while they live
and then
it happens again
because it always happens again
whether you’re ready or not
because it doesn’t need you
to be ready
it just needs you
to be.

-see

©Cornelious M. Flowers III