Tag Archives: Thoughts

Thought for the Moment {6/13}

Important, to Choose…

If you want it to be IMPORTANT, then that’s what it is.
If you make it IMPORTANT, then that’s what it will be.

You VALUING it is ENOUGH for you to DEMAND that what YOU DEEM IMPORTANT is to be recognized/respected as such; ESPECIALLY concerning and CONSIDERING YOURSELF!

Just know that YOU have to reciprocate such a belief/idea just as much as YOU require/request it. YOU have to know that people have IMPORTANCES that they use to function/forward themselves, as well. Even as insignificant or minute as YOU may think their “things” are, they DESERVE the same consideration as YOU/YOURS.

No matter what.

There is a tightrope of managed discipline that is required to navigate through the pools of sensitive and sordid egos. People have feelings. DIFFERENT FEELINGS. And hurts and pasts and quirks and MASKS! And temperaments and temporary attitudes and moments of clarity and issues and REAL STUFF happening in their lives. And it’s all IMPORTANT to them. And YOU “not giving a care”, well that only makes YOU far less important to them and their “stuff”.

That’s IMPORTANT to know.

There is no blanket meter for rating the significance or standard by which an individual measures the gravity of life’s nuances. This life is FULL of enough. There is enough of EVERYTHING and the truth is that what you can/cannot deal with, there is someone else that will/won’t. And just as well, there is someone preparing or prepared to effectively and enthusiastically entertain YOUR issues. Someone thinks that what YOU think is really important is really important!

But that doesn’t mean right, nor does it make for perfect. It just means agreement, more times than not it means agreement for the sake of not arguing as opposed to for resolution. It’s not always black & white. It’s normally a mercurial assortment of spectral arrangements akin to the aftermath of a great painters master work. It looks good, but there was quite a mess made!

The real challenge, and fun (if you ask me) is the made decision to take on the charge of being able to unapologetically pursue your own happiness -by virtue of celebrating the IMPORTANT that YOU are- while being able to learn the language and practices of the ones you know and love. Committing yourself to help someone, dedicating yourself to serve someone, intentionally staying by the side of someone that your gut tells you is worth being stuck by. Because it all boils down to Safety, Security, and Significance. And those three things comprise the base materials for every persons idea of IMPORTANT. The caveat is knowing how perspective influences the meaning of words to each individual’s personal experience. We may see the same thing, just not the same way. So what ‘safety’ is for one may not be ‘safety’ for someone else. And the truth is that we all get to define ourselves. We get to associate and attach as we see fit. That gives us value, it gives us worth, it makes us IMPORTANT!!!

And it is a choice…

You get to want what you want. But you have to pay for it. And it’s probably going to cost you. Can you afford it? Can you spend the time/energy/emotion/attention or money that is required to obtain what you desire? Do you understand that you will be billed by the second, in the moment, payment due upon receipt of the thought? Do you have the resources? Can you maintain the payments? Can you maintain a positive attitude in the presence of what may be dubious circumstances or situations that present themselves almost seemingly to deter/detour/distract you from being consistent? Can you appreciate that just like you are “dealing with stuff” so is EVERYONE else?

And what’s most IMPORTANT is what is MOST important…

Whatever you decide that to be!

-see

Thought for the Moment [#21]

Today means just as much as yesterday and tomorrow, for me. I am a Father, EVERYDAY. I am a son, EVERYDAY! The theatrics and antics of today are mute, null, and void, if they are performed for the sake of presentation, and only for this moment. Will you appreciate that man tomorrow? Did you check on him last week? Did you care when no one was watching?

I get it. This is more to do with capitalism and economics than it has to do with anything else. This is a hallmark moment. Coolbeans! Carry on. But he is still important in the morning. A card, or dinner, or gesture of love and appreciation, would be fantastic on July 3rd, September 21st, November 6th, January 9th… [You get the point], every weekday that ends in y is sufficient to acknowledge and appreciate the man, or men in your life that have contributed to the AMAZING that you are.

“Father” is an incredible responsibility. It is an incredible opportunity. It is an incredible sacrifice. It requires an incredible amount of “all you have”. And even that might not be enough to satiate the needs and wants of him or her of whom you have been charged to parent. Father is an ever-evolving role. It is a position that mandates your full attention and compliance; It requires continuing education. You must be ready, and flexible. Hard, and open.

Son/Daughter don’t make being a Father any much easier. I know that my role as son has certainly tugged on the rug of my Dad’s foundation a many of times. My evolutions, and excursions, have certainly demanded a specific and profound patience from “Rock”. I know the piece of work that I’ve been. And my Dad has ALWAYS been there. Even as he didn’t have one iota of idea of where I was, who I was, or what I was! He remained who he was, who he has ALWAYS been. The amazing part about that is that EVERY good thing about me as a Father, I give credit to him for. I am so far from where I want to be, but the good that I am, I learned from such a good example.

My biological Father, Mayn, transitioned about 4 years ago. He was the man that I am named after. He was the man I resemble. He was the man that I am probably most alike. His characteristics and demeanor are responsible for mine. He is who I sought out for so many years, because it is he who I felt tied to spiritually. But he and I were never able to achieve the relationship that I wanted with him, for a myriad of reasons. His issues and choices prevented him from allowing me to learn of and from him as I desired to. My own stubborn and selfish ways rubbed him wrong. He felt as if I judged him harshly for the mistakes of his past. I only wanted answers that I felt entitled to. I was his seed, I always felt he owed me the water of his ways. But he was the stubborn that I could only bow and fold to. So we argued more than we acted, we disagreed more than we developed. But in his final moments, as he took his last breath, I was there. My sisters and I held hands and I prayed as he left this world. With no resentment, with no anger, with no hurt. I get it. He gave me life. And with his life, he gave me clues and steps. Even if it was from his bad example, he gave me a clear way towards what not to do. And truth be told, he always told me how proud he was of me for not going certain routes. He was excited that some of his vices never became mine. He loved that I had chosen another course for my life. Even as he felt a sense of threatened and intimidation of the relationship that I had with my Dad, he allowed himself to understand that I had turned out well, and I was doing well. Even in my struggles, I had a supporter and system that cared and offered me opportunity.

My son gets a better me everyday. He gets a healthier me, everyday. He gets a more experienced and optimistic me, everyday. Although we don’t live under the same roof, we have unabated access to one another. If he is not with me, technology affords the opportunity for us to see each other all the time. We FaceTime every morning. We text. We talk. I give him the me that I always wanted from my Father. I give him the me that I always wanted from my Dad. I have learned from both of the men, that are responsible for me, how to become a man, how to become a good man. And how to become a good Father. And that I am becoming. I give this experience to my son. Even while I am figuring it all out, I give him a full version of my whole self. It is the unapologetic, transparent, present and aware, me that he gets.

Not too long ago I was putting my son to bed and as I hugged him I said, “I’m so proud of you”. I then ran off a list of so many things that I am proud of him for. He responded, “I’m proud of you too”. That shocked me, I was kind of taken aback. I asked, “Why are you proud of me”? He responded, “I’m proud of the way you love me.”

I melted. If he would have asked for a Ferrari after that, I would have been trying to figure out how to get a Ferrari that night!

Being a good Father is no simple equation. One of the most amazing things I have learned along the journey of my life is how challenging a duty fatherhood is. Because I realize that it requires specifics and adjustments that are not so obvious. By definition being a Father stands as this linear ideal role suited for all, but the truth is that Fatherhood is a case by case, moment by moment, child by child, experience. Not every kid needs nor utilizes the same things. You have to be flexible. You have to be understanding. You have to be ready. You might not ever be prepared, but you must be ready! Readiness is a talent. I applaud every Father who readied himself in order to be a good Dad. I am learning what it takes to be a “good” Dad. I used to think that provision was the key. As long as you could provide, then you would be a successful Father. I equated “support” with success. I thought money was support. I thought child support was only money. I thought what I perceived was correct. But then I looked at my own life, and my own experience, and I saw where financial support without “feelings” produced resentment. And feelings without finance produced stress. There must be a balance. The scales must tip in favor of needs, not wants, or expectations, or even history. Presence matters most. Not just physical presence either, but matters of the heart and soul are key. That is the real and true “child support”, actually SUPPORTING the child, undergirding the emotions and belief systems, offering up experience and expertise on what life is and can be. Being vulnerable to the experience of learning. Fatherhood is all of that. Fatherhood is understanding the role. It is respecting the role. It is knowing your role.

Everyday is “Father’s Day” for Fathers. It is good to be acknowledged and recognized, all at once, in concert, for your efforts and accomplishments, but the work continues. The joy continues. The love continues. The support continues. I have learned how important these things are. I cherish them. I realize them. I appreciate them.

So as I mature and grow into manhood, while simultaneously taking on fatherhood, all the while learning and living my BEST life possible, I am so grateful for the now I have, because of everything that was my “then”. I am thankful for the “Father’s” of my life. For the examples and expressions of Fatherhood that I have been so fortunate to witness. For the access that I have to Brothers who were ready, got ready, learned to be ready, or readied themselves in order to fulfill the responsibility. For the Men and Mentors that stepped into the lives of others in order to provide whatever “support” was necessary. For the results that are motivation and inspiration for all to see.

Everyday should be set aside to acknowledge the significance of being a parent.

“Kids make the right people, the right people.”

-Rosko Craig, Sr.

That is what my Daddy told me. EVERYDAY I realize, even more, how true that statement is.

-see

©2015 Cornelious “See” Flowers
@seethepoet

Thought for the Moment [#7]

Stop asking/begging/wishing for people to love you the way “you want to be loved”.

It’s almost an impossible trek.

What you should look for is someone who loves themselves the way you want to be loved.

That way, “loving you”, that way, is something NATURAL and automatic to them.
Understand, GET IN WHERE YOU FIT IN?

If you find someone willing to change and alter everything about themselves, to accommodate you, eventually you are going to find [that] person either diluted of their true self or a person with only a perpetrated version of who they believe YOU WANT them to be. And that is draining. It will drain them. It will become a drain to you. And you’ll ultimately lose them or their attention to someone who allows and accepts them for being WHO THEY ARE!

Even before that eventuality though, you’ll probably get bored and tired of someone who is only obeying your command and not capable of any individuality or ability to exhibit or express their innate love ability, on their own, to you. Because you will only have a person who is suffering to you.

A mate who submits to you is one who knows their own power but is strong enough to give you a sense of control and authority for the sake of a mutual objective. A person who surrenders to you is someone who has “given up” such power or control of themselves and has either desperately, or under duress, lost such to someone or something outside of themselves. Love is no fun under surrender. It’s not even love. It is control and captivity, made possible through insecurity and fear.

Such is how and why distrust, dishonesty, and disloyalty, are able to deconstruct and disable a relationship, by becoming it’s disease.

You do deserve to be loved, a particular and specific way, but know that way is not often going to find you. You have to find it, in you. Then you have to study and learn ALL ABOUT it. Then you have to spend time with it and nurture it into a well-meaning and deserving thing. You must test and try it, on yourself. Then you must offer it up to the vulnerability and unknowingness of what “life” is.
Because people can try their best and damnedest to want to give you the specific love that you desire/deserve, but “life” happens. Things happen. Stuff happens. And when things happen, people revert to what are their automatic default settings, their internal feelings and emotions. Those feelings, thoughts, or actions, are what they feel and believe about of and for themselves. They are reflex and natural. Without provocation they are tuning and preferences aligned with their own wants and needs.
So when faced or presented with adverse situation and/or consequence, how they love becomes relative to a defense mechanism. A protection, a shield.
If how you fit in their lives is a matter of their constructing, and not a natural compliment to their composure, you will be severed and sacrificed as a matter of survival. It’s personal, having nothing at all to do with you, it’s about them. It’s about doing what is best for them.

Same with you. If you step outside of your body and true self to make yourself like or love someone, for their sake especially, and that love is unreciprocated or unrequited, you will- in the event of chaos or consequence- abandon that sacrifice, to save yourself. Sometimes you don’t even need to be prompted by an event, because a lack of emotion or energy, substantial enough to adequately satisfy your needs and desires, will be grounds for you to redirect your attention and focus from someone who is unable to recognize or receive you properly. That “proper” is according to your specific request, of which you are entitled and expected to have.
Too often, people forget themselves for the sake of relationship or companionship, in order to present a particular perception. It’s for an image, for an idea, for someone else!

Love, the kind you are looking for, or the kind that is looking for you, takes time to materialize. It requires time to be learned and tested. It requires elements and stages of cycles and seasons in order to grow beyond the surface and appearance. That “real” love takes a great deal of experience and expertise, per say, in order to be conscious and aware, the way it needs to be present for you. Or from you.

You have to do it. You have to go through what you have to go through and learn what must be learned. That requires experiences and time. It will most likely include some hurt and harm, self-inflicted, to be sure and certain. It is a process. An arduously time-consuming delicate process. And it comes without guarantee. Because love is a gamble, subject to the law of chance and risk. You may win, you may lose. And neither has anything to do with luck.

They have EVERYTHING to do with you. Theoretically, you’re the only one that can deal with you the way you need to be dealt with. You set the terms and pace of how you are loved. You determine what you will or will not allow, take, do, or sacrifice. You make the choices and decisions about who comes into your life, and how they play whatever part they do. You determine when and all other matters relevant to what is in your control.

And then you give that all up to chance. And hope that it works out. Not for the best, but for you.

-see

©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers
@seethepoet