Self-Portrait (Poor traits of Myself)… [POEM]

Had I a say
but did I not,
would have preferred a different smile
than one I’ve got

chosen hair that curled
and not the kind that kinked
surely eyes that sparkled hazel
in between the blinks

about 3 inches taller
and muscle that would show
maybe a little bow-legged
enough for you to know

lips not so big
feet not so small
an in-between sufficient
endowed to natures call

my hands would be more callous
these that I have are soft
my palms are ever sweaty,
not such a manly thought

mannerisms brute
a voice much deeper than
a frame erected masculine,
not such a deeper tan

I’d have a walk more like I wanted
whichever walk that’d be
but I’d walk more profound like,
such that a man you’d surely see

as you can tell I’m insecure

in search of sort acceptance
just want to fit in place
I’d longed for different awhile now
wanting to be the same way

had doubts of my appearance
struggled with my pride
depressed about my self-assurance
it was always sure to hide

a perception have you noted
a disguise was best to get
trend and fad to my exception
only way that I could fit

living up to low expectation
religious rule and traditions toll
I’d not much been assumed to make it
not of my own control

so guilt and shame would raise me
law and order would denote
a God reigned over supremely
within a silence that he spoke

I was convicted

an open I was to judgement
feelings held to bear
not knowing whether to be comfortable
in a skin I had to wear

and mirrors made me nauseous
notions preconceived at best
I’d spend a lifetime trying to conform
yet never satisfying the rest

and so braces and a box of lye
might help me straighten out my truth
a steady diet of misconception
gave me costume of my youth

pressure hardened was my resource
found beauty in everything but me
a handsome outfit or nice persona
was as sexy as I could be

ridicule and made fun of
laughing stock and butt of jokes
I was never good enough to laugh
it was a saddened story that I’d wrote

not much to look forward to

bruised ego and scars of hurt
torn apart by sharpened scorn
I fell victim to perception of worth
thought unfortunately of my purpose born

pity parties held in state
observed as holiday cheer
until one moment I owned my ugly
and found courage inside of my fears

what good would I serve different
how important could I be
to show up disguised as better
wanting to convince the world it’s me

when inside were feelings contrary
than a look I’d come to want
till a mirror that I past saw me
and an image began to haunt

I found myself quite interesting
a clever specimen cool
then I noticed my uniqueness
to ignore would be to fool

I had lines and circles random
I had pieces that were plain
but I saw exciting in my difference
and didn’t want to change

all of sudden I was conscious
had awaken to my true
looked into my own reflection
and said, “I am in love with you”

crooked teeth and hair that bended
a color skin that was my own
my frame was too masculine
into a man, I’d surely grown

thought about the haughty laughter
recognized that sound of spite
realized I wasn’t wrong then
they saw in me of all was right

I have quirks and they have questions
but I am quality of course
I didn’t need outside validation
nor friend, nor fame, nor sport

this sized feet held up my body
these straight legs don’t look so bad
and well I’m well endowed according
according to endeavors that I’ve had

but none of it should matter
if I fail to master me
so I stood up to that mirror
and I let my self just be

Hello Self, welcome back

what purpose is it, hatred
especially towards my own
how dare I try to measure
a stone against a stone

what comparison is subject
to make sense of disdain
when I have every right to witness
the choices of my change

and all a sudden matter
didn’t matter much
I saw myself completely
and I was content for once

growth has this way of teaching
what youth won’t give for free
I’d learned along my lesson
that happiness was cheap

the cost instead was measure
wants and pleasing vow
I’d found myself empowered
in power by my now

acceptance more important
that I should find it for myself
and at once I’d found the reason
to see right in what is left

chin up and towards facing
a deliberate fact of plan
all of a sudden welcomed
by the softness of my hands

and since I’ve found a reason
a reasoned force to thrive
no more a dying present
I am before everything, alive

and worth every bit of blessing
my audacity to take
the portrait that defines me
is the picture that I make.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers


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