Not leaving… [POEM]

I can fight
but not your demons
and mine
I can tell the truth
but not time
I can expose myself
but not hide
from who I was before
I can not produce a different
who I was before
I can only hold on
for so long
that is not who I was before
but I can prove
that I love you
that I was willing to choose
that I was willing to use
who I was before
in order to do different
in order to listen
in order to distance
who I am now
from who I was before

I can be myself
I cannot be someone else
I can open my eyes to love
I cannot see someone else
nor will I allow myself
to go unnoticed
to suffer consequences,
or to be hopeless
to be found only as a
side or footnote
aside from a reason to
I won’t be spoken of
in no sense of the word
as a footnote
would rather be
imaginary wings,
than a bird
caged inside
of a broken heart
only seeing freedom
through the broken parts
only able to share covers
in a token dark

I won’t allow you
to hurt you
through hurting me
I can only do
what you allow me to
everything else
is out of my control
or until it’s working
giving this season her due
watching to yield its produce
I can stay out of the way
or I can get dirty
I cannot just watch
the grass grow
I can pour into the cup
but I just cannot watch
the last, go
without at least reaching
if you’re talking,
you’re teaching
and I can be a student,
the science and math
through wondering

or you can say it
I can dance to your music
but I cannot play it
to ears stuffed with fingers
best used otherwise
I know there was a before me
but I would rather see
so I don’t see
other guys
I see means necessary
to get here
I can STAND up for us
but I cannot just sit here
on a pinky promise
and I can at least be honest
and say that I understand
it’s timing,
not another man,

I can write all the poems ever
but I cannot make better
what you won’t give me
a chance, or a stance
that’s just not living
we did the right things
for the wrong people
but we can’t stop giving
and pretending to be okay
is just not healing

I can imagine the best
but I cannot believe
what perception suggests
I have no reason to deceive,
I’ve settled for less
accepted coupons for love
and settled the debts
now I’m under arrest
falsely accused of a crime
that I’d never commit
but I’ve surrendered,
at best
would rather be held
than left
would rather be in your jail
than just
and that is not in jest
I’ve suffered for worse
why not suffer for the best?
I can take this up
but I cannot make this up,
so I confess…
be assured, that I won’t rest
not until it gets better
or else

I can listen
even to your silence
if you cannot talk today
I can wait
but I cannot walk away.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers


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