A great sadness swept through
it left you
for as long as I had kept you
hidden
in the recesses,
prison
and then the darkness
no one came to rescue
or turned on a light
no one else,
willing to fight
no one made an effort,
extra
so there I was,
desperate
reaching to find footing
grabbing at the walls
mirages, all
painted in oil
looting
robbing the very store
that fed me
and had led me to
too
I pilfered the storehouse
then tiptoed out
right past an open door
but for nothing
escaped into oblivion,
hunting
for you
or something like
maybe a dream,
but a shadow would do
notes written on hearts
and balloons
presumed you’d receive
or at least believe
that I would always
no matter what
in spite of everything,
continue
to remember,

But what good is December
if not for Christmas
when all I ever knew
was this
was special
was incredible
was right
or what you said
what you meant
and no slight to any other
but you made me
a certain way
and I got caught up,
you escaped
no present
Christmas not Christmas
anymore
irrelevant, a ghost
haunting the doors
and hallways,
always
memories stuck on repeat
and you not there
to speak,
and they tried to hide your voice,
from me
said that you were dead
and I should just let that be
I should get over it
because Christmas,
was never real
just some reason
to flee
reality

Until I woke up
finally able to sleep
found your spirit alive and well,
in the place you left it
I thought we’d given it away
but we’d kept it
cathartic means
are not always sensible
but clarity
only has to make sense to you
and I can hear you again
in the laugh
and in the smile
of your “SassyCountryBabyGirl”
and the baby boy
who still yearns for you
and me,
finally accepting the world
that you’d prepared us for…

Still got those pictures
even the ones that aren’t
especially the ones that say,
scarred
and the ones
from every Christmas
when things were different
even if they were pretend
it still meant everything
because now I know
what it takes,
to see

So today,
I screamed your name
wrote it all over the place
hid it in the dark spaces
so that they’d awaken
told your story
to a stranger
and put away my blanket
I don’t need to hide anymore
I’ve tried that before
and I no longer need them
to believe me
this is Christmas Eve
and I’m sleeping
just as excited
about presents
as ever,
Believing.

-see

©2015 Cornelious “See” Flowers
@seethepoet