Empty feeling… [POEM]

I wanted to love you
the way you loved me
the way you loved me
and no exception
but I just couldn’t
no expecting
and I shouldn’t expect you
to believe me
you just wouldn’t leave me
and so I kept it
slept in it
tiptoed around it,
crept in it
and it was hectic
a sickening feeling,
but you believed in it,
not wanting it to be true
wanting it to be you

There are no sounds
that can drown out empty
no songs
that make this better
and the nerve of me
to write this letter
crafting a mea culpa
that I should have wrote
it started
knowing that I’d parted
been there before
recognized it more,
open hearted
carted my belongings
from near and afar
and somehow
back to you
because you’d welcome me
but ajar
to let me through

Doors and windows
left cracked and open
that your voice be heard
praying over my words
giving of yourself
and more
to enjoy my words
to, in joy, my words
all that I had,
you found in my words

and it is an empty feeling,
to wait for words
to find true
we both wanted
I wanted to find myself
you wanted my words,
to find you
we both awaited
hoping to find out
which words would happen
worth every word,
to find you
but all I found out
was just that
they were just words
thrown into a fire
to burn through
I was trying to destroy a past
not burn you
but alas,
I learned too…

It is an empty feeling
to be full
and not be able to share
to be loved
and not be able to care
to be wanted
and not be there
because it is enough
to be where
you are
to take someone
into outer space
only for them to fall in love
with a star
and only thank you
for the ride
and not even acknowledge
your part

I wanted to feel
what you felt
and then I did
with someone else
and I couldn’t hide it,
you helped me find it
the look in your eyes
reminded me
that I could decide
and so I tried it,
and now I’m behind it,

This is no empty feeling
I am astounded
LOVE in the midst
and I’ve found it
not a bind
but I’m bound to it,
and somehow bound
to do it
not fighting for it
fighting through it
I was in a silent place
has this sound to it
I knew it…

that you would
make all the difference
in such a way
that you would come
and love me
and take my empty feeling
saving grace
for saving days
and then,
staying away

I wish I knew more to say
something that compensates
or completes the sentence
that these words try to create
something that explains it better
but doesn’t hurt to say
something that fills absence with more
instead of empty space
something that lets you know
that you are
and will be okay
something that isn’t so awkward
or hard to face

leave gaping holes
in what might have been
but then again
words are not supposed to
be such a burden
as much as lighten them
if they are chosen to
or make sense at all
alike a wind
unlike an end
the kind that this is
promising never again
to suffer empty feeling
or pretend.


©2014 Cornelious “See” Flowers


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