I no longer have feelings…
my feelings have me
hostage to not having control,
and forced to let things be

My feelings have me convinced 
that I deserve to cry
I don’t deserve the guilt and shame,
I don’t deserve to die

I’ve feelings for my past abide 
was it right that I maintained?
I longed for a numbness to decide
if I should ever change

the hurt and having no remorse
the habits of walking away
the reservations for possibility 
the having of nothing to say

Feelings feel like nothing I’ve felt
and I am fraught with feeling fear
don’t know how to control so much,
that one feeling is clear

I’ve felt for more than otherwise
but I was stupid in my feels
because I ignored my honest truth
in my attempts to let me heal

and my feelings took that control,
convinced me to protest
so I found retreat in darkened states
to hide a heart I could not protect

running was my sound resort 
even neglecting to stop for air 
letting all the pain be breeze behind
I couldn’t feel what wasn’t there 

until it caught up with me and fought
as fast as I’d ever seen
before I’d know anything better
I wouldn’t know what to believe 

a tingle, a touch, a tear, at a time
soon enough I’d be willing to see
that the life I’d spent knowing so sure
was in fact a life nothing like me

this was the truth that had me bound
coerced into facing a mirrors eye
submerged inside of a sterile hope
that nothing was ever worth the try

because feelings have but such a life
and expire like words unmeant to say
Yet here I was pretending to not care
but harboring care in every way

the penultimate threat was love
I distasted her once, or twice before
the pendulum swinging stuck in line 
with a hatred I had for knowing more

I evolved into a mess of sorts
a sensitive version of broken man
in dire need of recompense 
or at least another chance

Because,

I no longer have feelings…
my feelings have me
hostage to not having control,
and forced to let things be.

-see

©️2022 Cornelious “See” Flowers
@seethepoet