You might be the caller, the visitor, the one who shows up.

Just because someone doesn’t call as much as you, visit as much as you, or show up as much as you, does not mean that they are not invested into the relationship as much as you. It does not mean that they are not reciprocating the relationship.

They might be the one who is always going to answer that call, be home when you come by, or be there when you really need that. That’s reciprocity.

My Dad said something to me recently. He said, “I know you’re not going to call. That’s never been you. You’ve always been the one that was going to be gone. Been that way since you were a little boy. But I know that if I call you, you’ll be there. And if I send for you, you’ll be here. When I need you I know all I have to do is call on you.”

For most of my life I’ve struggled with that part of me. The part that has never been much of a “reach-er out-er”. I’m always available to whomever, but the chance of me being consistent at staying in contact with anyone has always required an effort that I didn’t have. It’s never been native to me, for me to do so. The effort came with hassle and it felt manufactured as opposed to the natural I imagined it should feel like. “Should” based on what I perceived and what I believed was expected to be. So I felt wrong. Even more, the part of me that really overthinks, felt like it was something wrong with me, and that the fact must have been that I didn’t care about people enough to be unselfish. I thought it was selfish to not be like everyone that I saw that did that whole staying in contact thing.

Didn’t matter what the dynamic was: friend, parent, relative, girlfriend, associate, client, whoever.

I’m not much of the person to call, write, or reach out with any consistent frequency. But I’m the person with the same 20+ year cellphone number, same email address, same open to the public social profiles, same available, same consistent, same one that is always there. For the many people that count me as a trusted friend, support system, advocate, confidant, counselor, or presence, I’ve always been that. It’s just what my Dad said, I’m not going to call, but I’m surely going to answer.

That’s a relationship. There is reciprocity in that.

I spent, and lost, so many years feeling inadequate and even wrong for the way I did things. Especially due to being told that the way I did things was wrong, by people that wanted me to do things another way. The way that they did them, or the way that benefited them most. I didn’t see that then. Even with my Dad. My Dad used to shame and guilt me for not calling, for not checking in, for not coming by, and for not being like my other siblings in that regard. Because they call and speak to him everyday. I’ll go months without calling. I love him just the same, and I will be there at the drop of a dime for him. When he calls or when I’m called on.

I started writing this in response to a friend that told me they were done being the one that always plans everything for everyone. He said that he was tired of being the organizer and treasurer and responsible one for so many people. I let him talk. Then I asked, “Do you ever have a problem with everyone not showing up? Do they not contribute their money? Does anyone ever complain about the events you put together? Are they satisfied, happy?”

He answered, “Everyone always has a good time. I make sure of it. I know what I’m doing.”

“That’s why they choose you. Because you know what you’re doing. Because you’re going to do the best job. You’re going to make sure that everyone does what they are supposed to do. They do their part. You’ve been wanting them to do your part. Because you see your part as you see it. You’re not recognizing their part in this. Their part is to know their role. To follow your lead. To let you cook.”

“I swear you get off on being right all the time”, he quipped.

“I know my part”, I responded.

We laughed.

But that’s when it hit me. And I thought about what my Dad said. Damn.

Getting older, gaining wisdom, is something to appreciate.

Relationships survive, and thrive, in balance. Whatever the relationship is. That balance is best achieved when all parties are acknowledged and appreciated for their individual contribution and commitments. Those have to be identified and defined.

They need to be communicated. So that it is known that all parties are aware of who they are, what they are, where they stand, why they act/perform as they do, and what is to be expected from and for them.

But your role is your role. Who you are is who you are. Who you are is who you’ll most easily be. It’s also what most people will expect of you, especially when it benefits them. You get to own that. And be that. Without reservation or regret.

There are adjustments that get to be made. That have to be made. Specific to the individual relationship. You’re not going to be able to getaway with being the “non-caller” in most intimate relationships, let alone a marriage. You’ll have to make some concessions and compromise there. But if you’re pretty good at being who you are in the beginning, your partner will already know who you are and won’t have unrealistic expectations placed on you. You’ll find a healthy balance in how to navigate being yourself and being part of the relationship. Whatever relationship that you’re in.

But, there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with being who you are.

Where you’ll go wrong is not accepting who you are. Not accepting who someone else is. Expecting someone to be someone or something outside of themselves. Holding someone hostage to an idea of themselves that you decide/desire. Holding yourself hostage to the idea that it’s not okay being yourself because you’ve placed an idea or identity on you that isn’t you.

It’s work. Hard or easy, based on you.

It’s a matter of perspective. Based on performance.

But, you make the call. Or you don’t.

-see

©️2023 Cornelious “See” Flowers