You ever been nowhere, all over, and in the same place, all at one time?

Part 29.

What. The. Fvck. Do. I. Do. Now?

Today is March 25, 2024.

I saw my Mother for the last time, 30 years ago to the date.

For 28 of those anniversary’s I mourned, depressed, stressed and struggled. I spent those 28 anniversary’s full of anxiety and anger and apprehension. I’d gotten used to that. Use to the sadness, use to the pain, use to the hurt.

I got used to having a bogeyman.

For the last 62 days I’ve been, well, I don’t know.

The woman that murdered my Mom died 62 days ago. The woman that is related to my family. The woman that I grew up knowing as family. The woman that lived with us for the last 8 years of my Mother’s life. The woman that my Mother literally beat me to trust, respect, and acknowledge. The woman that I would later find out was actually in a relationship with my Mom for those 8 years.

The woman that, for all intents and purposes, committed the perfect murder. She escaped justice and prosecution. And lived out the last 29 years of her life, free.

Before anyone comments about what her guilt, conscience, and spirit may have suffered through for all of that time, know that none of that matters to a me that knew she was right around the corner. She worked down the street. She hung out at the bar over there. She slept in that house. She lived and breathed this air.

All the while avoiding me. Not speaking to me. Not responding to me. Not acknowledging my letters, emails, and messages with requests to meet.

Crazy thing, I wanted answers more than I wanted her apprehended. Hazel knew things, about my Mom, that no one else knew. She could have, or I believed she could have, filled in so many gaps and blanks that I’ve struggled to complete thoughts about.

I spent almost 30 years doing EVERYTHING that I could to get justice for my Mom. With no results. So I beat myself up, I hurt myself, I deprived myself.

I felt guilty and ashamed that I couldn’t do more. I felt defeated. I felt undeserving of anything good for myself, for having been incapable of doing more for my Mom. I felt like I disappointed her. I was disappointing her. I was disappointed in myself.

Everything I even tried to do good, I would eventually sabotage or shutter, to satisfy my self-loathing.

I feel stupid trying to explain all of it.

Today, I woke up in pain. Not hurting pain, just feeling pain. Realizing that I’m not numb anymore. Hazel is gone and I’m here. I’m still here and I have something to do.

I’m so used to waking up on this day and being extra mad at Hazel. There’s no Hazel to be mad at.

That smile that you’re seeing in my videos…That smile is real. That smile is the inside of me coming back out. That smile is my purpose, power, my sigh of relief.

I delight in no death. But I’m happy that she’s gone. I feel like I can finally be, here.

Am I rambling?

God is real y’all.

Here is a true story:

This had bothered me so much that I’d begun to lose almost everything. In the last few years, especially after being presented with some more information and details about my Mom’s case and our story, I’d really fell into a dark and deeply disturbing mindset.

Or so I thought.

The reality is that God allowed for the destruction of so many roads, paths, and avenues that I was accustomed to or would normally take to distract myself from dealing with certain things. God put me in a position to only be able to face some things that I’d long needed to face. So over the past few years, God stripped me of money, opportunity, and access. Forcing me to sit down and write. Forcing me to address some issues and initiate some conversations.

I’ll sum it up like this…

If Hazel would have died without me having done what I’d done and been able to “let out” over the past 3 years, her death would have been the fuse that set off the ticking time bomb that so many people thought that I was. No bullsh¡t, I would have flipped out.

Actual event:

Tuesday, January 23, 2024.

So, on Saturday, January 20, I made a phone call. The call was my last ditch effort to see Hazel before she passed away. I asked for permission to come to where she was in hospice, at speak to her. I even offered to be searched, in case there was suspicion that I had mal-intent. I didn’t even need her to talk back. There were some things that I wanted to say to her. Things that I wanted her to hear, from my mouth. I also wanted to let her hear me say that I forgave her.

I was refused. I was told that I couldn’t come and do that.

For the next 2 days I wrestled with thoughts of doing something extremely radical and totally unacceptable. But then I’d made up my mind that I’d done EVERYTHING the “right” way and it had gotten me nowhere.

On Tuesday, I was in the house and I just started frantically moving about. I thought I was losing my mind. No reason or rhythm to my movement, but all of a sudden I just started pacing and going in and out of the house. FOR NO REASON!

I wish I could properly express just how fascinating the moment was. I was going crazy.

Then I stopped. Told my self to calm down. I was standing in my bedroom. With all of my clothes and coat and shoes on, I fell back onto the bed.

I looked up at the ceiling and said, “God, I did everything that I could do. I tried. My Mom is not disappointed in me. She is proud of me. I fought for her. I tried to fight the right way. I lost everything fighting for her. I gave it my all. I know I did. I can’t do anything else. God you gotta fix this.”

I had my hands up towards the sky as I was saying this. Then I let it go. My arms fell back towards the bed.

The moment that my arm touched the cover, my phone vibrated. It was a text:

“The b¡tch is dead.”

The first thing I said, “Damn God. You’re fast.”

Then I opened up the message and asked, “How do you know?”, and the response was that it was confirmed from the family.

So I grabbed my phone and went to “The Funeral Times” aka Facebook. Because Facebook gone tell you bout somebody dying. And sure enough, the family had begun making the announcements.

Anyway.

Since that moment, I’ve been… free.

But freedom is unfamiliar to me.

And I’ve been struggling with it.

You know what?

I’m okay.

I just needed to get that out this morning.

Thanks for listening.

©️2024 Cornelious “See” Flowers