The only place I’d ever been afraid of was “rock bottom”. Because I knew that in that place I’d have to deal with me. I’d have to face me. I’d have to confront and comfort, me. I’d have to be honest with me.

I was afraid to do that because I know the hurt that I have. I know the secrets. I know the pain. I know the problems. I know the anger. I know the frustration. I know the questions.

I know the guilt.

So I spent years upon years trying to avoid me. Trying to not feel. Trying to not acknowledge the me that desperately needed my attention.

Instead I’ve attempted to focus on everything and everyone else.

But the purpose and the plan and the potential of my life REQUIRES me to be whole. Not perfect, but whole. I can’t be just an expression. I have to be an example. I have to speak my truth because that’s the power that God gave me. I’m able to endure. And then explain. I have no problem telling my story. I have no issue speaking my mind. I’m okay with me. And that is the example someone else needs to see. That it’s okay to say you’re hurting. It’s okay to speak your truth. It’s okay to be human.

That is what I’ve realized in my experience, that we are all human. We all have experiences. We all go through. We’re all going through.

A few years back I let go. Released the grip I had on trying to keep it all together. I didn’t make an announcement, I just stopped. I stopped trying to avoid the head-on collision that would be me dealing with me. And in this time, God allowed for me to get some clarity and even a sense of closure that I’d long been searching for. It has been tough! It has taken so much out of me.

But I hit that rock bottom. I hit my rock bottom. There, I did exactly what I’d always knew I’d do: I ran into me. Without any energy to fight. No strength to run away. No desire to turn around or not allow it to happen.

I discovered the me that I’d left long ago: The inner child. The 6-8 year old that was introduced to sex via molestation. The 8-14 year old that had inappropriate sexual relations and learned about domestic dysfunction and abuse. The 11-14 year old going through puberty without a man available to teach or tell him what was going on. The complicated relationship with a biological father that had issues of his own and was not equipped to assist in any way. The 15 year old that dealt with bullying and low self-esteem. The 15 year old that found his mothers murdered body inside of their home. The 15 year old that was forced to make decisions because the “adults” in the room decided it best to pressure the 15 year old to go against the wishes of his mom in order to appease the faith and the family. The 15 year old that experienced abandonment and isolation from an entire community leaving he and his siblings after their mothers murder. The 16 year old that tried to maintain a sense of strength and consistency for he and his siblings.

There is so much more in those first years that I did not mention but some of these are the issues I had to heal from at rock bottom. The healing process has been ugly. It’s been painful.

But I refused to abandon it. I refused to let the little boy me down again. Even if the world does, I won’t, ever again.

So I had to acknowledge these things. And much more about myself. Things done to me and things I’ve done. I had to accept all of it as my truth, my story, my identity. First that little boy that experienced tremendous hurt and harm. Then the boy that became the hurt and harm to himself and to others. I had to take accountability for my involuntary, my inadvertent, and my intentional actions. Because they are all me.

And I’m still “facing the music”. I still have issues and individuals to heal with. I’m actually excited about that.

Because at “rock bottom” I discovered that I was important enough to get up. I’m important enough to move on. I’m important enough to keep going.

I’m worth it.

I’ve been able to look at the “whole” me and find value. Every word of my story was necessary to tell the WHOLE story. As I’ve told myself, “… YOUR story is more important when YOU tell it.”

I am important.

I matter.

I mean something.

I’m okay.

I deserve healing.

I am entitled to better.

I will win.

I appreciate me.

I believe in myself.

I believe myself.

I like myself.

I love me.

-see

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