Part 15.5

“Take a Seat”

Imagine coming to a concert and the first 25 rows had seats that displayed a “reserved” sign with a name attached…

But you purchased tickets and you were at the door first and admission was supposed to be first come first seated.

And this is a concert you really wanted to be at.

That’s been my life. I’d put a “reserved” sign on so many seats that occupied my mind, heart, and soul. Seats that I had assigned for people that I felt belonged there. That I wanted there. That I needed there. Seats with signs that read Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Friend, Sister, Brother, etc.,

And none of those seats were ever occupied by any of those people. And the people that have shown up into my life, that wanted to fulfill those roles, serve in those capacities, have had to take a back seat to all of these empty seats.

People that WANT to occupy those spaces. People that want to love me. People that want to care for me. People that want to be part of my life. People that support me, and want to support me. They’ve had to, from afar, remain “in line” while I fantasized and fought steadfast for the ghost in those empty seats.

Over the past few weeks I’ve written and said words that I’ve long held onto. Words that stood as a replacement for all of those people that never showed up. I’d been waiting for those seats to be filled. I really had imagined a day that “justice” would make it happen. “Justice” was supposed to be the usher that led those people back into my life.

Soon, that idea of justice will be dead. With it will be the hope and longing that I possessed for what I imagined would happen subsequent to “justice”.

The doors, the aisles, the spaces, are open.

I’ve ripped the names from those empty seats. Those spaces are no longer reserved for all those people that never showed up. I won’t make another excuse or find another reason to acquit those people from what they did, said, or didn’t do, or didn’t say. I’m really (finally) free of the guilt and shame that I’d held onto for all of these years.

(This is not a sad post.)

2023 has been a year! I don’t even know how to explain just how much of a year it has been, but it’s been a year.

Before it goes, I’m leaving some stuff with it. I’m moving on. I’m moving forward.

I deserve to move on.
I deserve to move forward.
I deserve more.

Today I pressed “send” on some messages that I’ve been wanting to send for a very long time. To specific people that I’d held spaces for. Although I hadn’t been posting lately, I’ve been writing. I’ve been having a lot of conversations. I’ve been finding out A LOT of stuff! You’ll hear about all of it soon enough. But the messages that I sent out weren’t for public consumption, necessarily. Although I may post those too, depending on how the final moments of 2023 play out.

More importantly though, the reason that I’d written the personal letters and messages to certain people is becauseI realized that I don’t deserve the pain nor the poverty that came with my feeling of worthlessness or unworthiness due to what “people” had done.

I’ve suffered long enough.
I’d suffocated for long enough.

It is time to breathe.

It feels good to breathe.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

©️2023 Cornelious “See” Flowers