Not many people say what they mean.

They say what you want to hear. They say what is acceptable. They said what is easiest.

They don’t say what they mean.

And you probably don’t hear what they mean because you’re listening to what they say.

I was in a relationship once that looked absolutely beautiful on paper. We matched up perfectly in so many areas. We had a genuine attraction and like for one another. We had chemistry and many similarities between us. We clicked.

We just could not get us to work out though. On principle issues we just seemed to bump heads. Little, very small things, always triggered fights and friction that we could not get beyond. Eventually it led to a breakup.

During our exit interview. Yes, we did an exit interview. We discussed some of the primary reasons that we believed were catalyst to the breakup. Information we both thought could be helpful as we moved on.

While doing this I took note that we both said so much of the exact same thing. We sounded so similar that I concluded from the meeting that our real issue was that we were too much alike.

I let that be my side of the story for a very long time. Until I matured, had other relationships, and studied my own self, in review, over time.

Here’s what I learned:

We said the same words but had very different definitions of the words, individually.

For example, “protection” was key for her. Providing “protection” is vital to me too. Here’s the thing though: For her, protection is a reactive thing. She wanted me to respond to confrontation/concern/circumstance a certain way. Like, if there was an issue arising, she wanted me to “defend” her honor in a way that she expected/assumed/desired. For me, protection is a preventative measure. I take specific and definitive steps to ensure certain things don’t/won’t/can’t happen. I protect by strategy and consideration. Her idea of protection could promote and incite atmospheric conditions that result in incidents where I’d have to “protect” her physically/aggressively/offensively. I am capable of that but it is an unnecessary predicament. An irresponsible one too. Quite dangerous, especially when cooler heads cannot prevail, or there is alcohol or excessive ego involved. We never had such an occurrence, but I am all too familiar with them. My proactive means of protection seems like too abundant of a caution to her. She didn’t recognize it as preparation, she saw it as fear, or control. And her perspective challenged my priorities. Our unaware misunderstanding of one another was a profound dysfunction within our foundational practice.

And we never had a thorough discussion about it. Because, of course, we’d both agreed that “protection” was a key concern for us both. We’d only “talked” about it, heard what the other said.

And the list went on. We had different definitions for all of the words that mattered. Personal definitions for Love, Care, Safety, Security, Significance, Trust, Romance, Cheating, Loyalty, Family, Friends, and so much more! But the words we used were the exact same. So it seemed like we agreed!

That’s probably a cause or concern for most relationships. It puts the idea that “it’s not just communication, it is just as much comprehension” into a more definitive context. We don’t usually delve into much more of the conversation once we hear what we want to hear. That’s enough. That’s all we need. That other person says the right things and makes us feel the right way and before you know it, a relationship. Because we “relate” to one another.

Until we don’t. Because we can’t.

In my role as a non-certified unlicensed involuntary life counselor (Barber), I’ve witnessed this phenomenon countless of times. Hundreds, if not thousands, of my patients (clients) have revealed details in our session’s (appointments) that qualify this exact issue. Sometimes I see (service) both partners and in their respective sessions (appointments) they say the exact same words when discussing “issues” with their partner/spouse/mate. If I were to only listen to what they say, my advice would always be the same: “You guys will be alright, you’re on the same page. Just give it time. As long as you “love” one another. Things will work out.”

But I don’t say that. Instead I ask them, individually, what that word means to them. Any and every word that is said similarly by both parties. And you’d be blown away at how different the definitions that people give for the same word are!

Sure, he or she says they “love” you. But what does love mean to them? Do you know what love means to you? What does showing love look like for them, for you?

You’ll be surprised.

Yea, people rarely say what they mean. They say what they say.

You have to ask what they mean.

Communication + Comprehension = Conversation.

See if what they “mean” means the same thing to YOU, for YOU, with YOU.

Anything else is just talk.

You’ll grow tired of the talking.

You’ll stop listening.

Eventually you’ll leave.

And probably go back a few times. Because the words did match.

The actions don’t.

Comfort. Convenience. Consistency.

Cycles.

Wasted time.

Broken hearts.

Disappointment.

Confusion.

Cycles.

Time. After. Time.

Until YOU do something different.

-see

©️2023 Cornelious “See” Flowers

@seethepoet

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