YOU are responsible for how YOU move.

Now.

Kind of.

I saw a post the other day that read:

“Stop blaming your parents, your environment, and the circumstances of your past for who you are now. You make your choices and the result of those choices is your fault, not anyone else’s.”

The post had a bunch of likes, shares, and comments. It seems that a whole lot of people agreed with what was being said.

I’ve heard words similar to that post for a very long time. So many people have said the very same thing to me, about my life. I’ve been told that I harp on my past far too much, trying to attribute too much responsibility for my actions, to the actions of others, from very long ago.

For a long time, I’ve tried to believe what those people were saying to me. Because I don’t want to attribute my lack or lethargy to anyone. I desire acknowledgment and accountability of my own self. I don’t want anyone or anything to have that type of power over me; having the ability to be responsible for my ineptitude, or my hesitation towards progress or success. I have never desired to be detoured by depression, distraction, or the dysfunction that was the result of my trauma.

Who would?

Yet, here was this post stating this all too common narrative, with seemingly a whole world that agrees.

And I’ve been trying to explain the exception to that “rule”, forever. I just couldn’t quite figure out how to express my objection without seeming to offer meaningless conjecture.

Until today.

Oh, I got it now.

And it’s not going to take me long.

So…

What happened in the past, happened. And people are right, YOU have to move past what happened; The things that happened; The people that happened; Whatever happened.

But what people don’t often talk about is how that “what” that happened corrupts or reconfigures the way YOU think. The way you process. The way YOU “move”.

My trauma corrupted the way I ingest, investigate, and interpret information. Unknowingly too. Present things happen and a default defense mechanism kicks in that functions on my behalf. It’s automatic. Nothing that I intend or aspire to do.

Because my mind and maybe my sense of being recognizes signs or symbols that appear like what I know as history and such becomes an instant trigger, firing off a litany of projectiles, aimed at protecting me. That “self-defense mechanism” is what people know as my shutting down, my running, my inability to maintain consistent anything towards progress. Like clockwork, especially when humans are involved.

And what in your life won’t involve humans?

Exactly.

But because people have always told me that I was “strong” and that I needed to “move” on, I tried my best to do just that; Be strong and move on.

But my strength and my movement, or my concept of those things, had been tampered with.

No one addressed that though. And I’d never had counseling or therapy. I’d also never had a break. From my traumatic past to my present, I’d just been “moving”. I’d never been afforded the opportunity or time to sit and breathe.

And because I present well, meaning I do not come off as hurt and harmed, rather I appear solid and “strong”, the expectation of me is to be the voice and example of reason and perseverance.

All the while I was a mess.

And that mess developed into a cyclical regimen of consistently inconsistent behaviors and actions that had become my resolve, and ultimately my reputation. I didn’t know I was doing it. “It” being the triggered by things and subsequently set into this familiar course of action, or inaction.

But the doing of it played a significant part in the deterioration of my health and mental health, my overall wellbeing, and everything else. It all suffered; My relationships, opportunities, family, business, and peace of mind. Everything!

And here I was trying to “move” on. Trying to deal with the cards I was dealt, trying to adjust to the circumstances and accordingly my situation. Trying to be all of the possible and potential that others and I, myself, believed I was and will be capable of. For all these years.

Unaware that just as significant of the impact what I’d been through had changed my life, was the how what I’d been through had changed the way I live.

Damn.

So now I’m addressing that. Focusing on, and dealing, with that. Taking inventory and information on why and how I have moved versus what is probably a better way to perceive and perform going forward.

Just the awareness has been life changing! Mind blowing. A dynamic shift.

It took me almost 30 years to get here.

No regrets though. I will change my narrative and realize every bit of the fullness that my life can be, now that I have this understanding. And, I’m going to cut that time down for someone else. It won’t take someone as long as it took me. Because I’m going to present not just an expression, but an example, me, as reference. Me, as the resource.

Because, with this information, I now have all of me. And I can “move” on. Forward. Up.

What happens from now on is on me.

I’ll take the blame for it.

-see

©️2023 Cornelious “See” Flowers

@seethepoet

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